and I owe it all to you
by The Fluff Queen
Summary: Jesse St. James goes to Sectionals to watch Rachel Berry and makes a decision. Something's wrong with her, he just can't put his finger on it. AU from Special Education.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: **Based on the fact that Ellie (and a bunch of spoiled little Finchel-fans brats who are always whining about how Glee isn't focusing on Finchel enough – are we fucking watching the same show?) saw a Jesse St. James lookalike watching New Directions perform. And also because people are saying Jesse will return dating Sunshine (I don't have words to describe, either in English or in Portuguese, how this disgusts me). St. Berry for endgame!

**Timeline: **During 'Special Education', of course. Because now every time there's a sectionals episode I remember that Jesse first saw Rachel during one.

**Disclaimer: **If only! St. Puckleberry would be a hot threesome, Pezberry would be best friends and Finn would be nonexistent.

**and I owe it all to you**

**H**e shouldn't be here. He was supposed to be in bright, sunny Los Angeles, soaking up the sun and enjoying the balmy weather even though it's the last day of November; dating busty blondes with perfect (mostly surgically-improved) bodies and honing his skills at singing and acting as the most promising freshman to ever cruise the halls of UCLA.

He wasn't supposed to be back at Lima, Ohio, lounging around the shadowy side of an auditorium that held the 2010 West Central Sectionals, waiting for the show choir his own choir had defeated last June in Regionals to perform. He wasn't supposed to have his heart thumping on his chest so loudly he feared the people sitting on the audience would hear it, feeling more alive than he ever had for the last six months, his body humming with expectative to see them singing. To see **her**.

She was the entire reason why he decided to fly in as soon as he heard his former coach – her mother – casually mention Sectionals were taking place today. Almost a year to the day had passed since he first saw her, beautiful and glowing and talented and perfect singing a slightly flawed, emotionally-lacking rendition of a Barbra Streisand classic. It had been during Sectionals. It felt fitting that he came to honor the date by sitting on the audience to be awed by her talent again.

The opening notes to the old, widely known ballad echoed in the auditorium, and he looked at the back entrance to the place, seeing the curtain open and a wiry, bleached blond boy with thick lips walk down the aisle, singing about having the time of his life. He frowned, because two things. First – hello, Regionals? They had done the same with their ballad (he threw out his copy of Journey's greatest hits album, hating 'Faithfully' with a passion he only devoted to performing and her). Second –

His thinking process was interrupted when it wasn't her sweet, angelic, remarkable voice that joined the unknown boy on the duet. His jaw nearly dropped to the floor when Quinn Fabray sang about owing it all to the boy, his forehead frowning in confusion. She had been replaced? By Quinn Fabray of all people?

(Hudson deserved being kicked to the side. He was a talentless oaf who couldn't keep up with **her **talent to save her life).

He tried to reassure himself, surely she had selflessly (who was he kidding?) – she had been forced by Schue to give away the solo but she would sing lead on the second song. She rightfully clung too tight to her spotlight to willingly pass through Sectionals without showcasing her limitless talent.

No such luck. Fabray and the unknown boy ended their run of the song and Santana (what the hell?) took the lead to the next song (he was never a fan of 'Valerie'). She however was dancing next to the Latina, and he drank her in, memorizing the details of her appearance – hating the new bangs, frowning at the broken look in her eyes, recognizing the showface right away, noticing the way she blatantly stayed away from Hudson (and he didn't feel a dash of hope at sensing trouble in paradise. Uhuh. Nothing).

(Yeah, right).

Frowning in concern and more than worried now, he turned his back on the stage after her team walked out. Digging for his phone, he scrolled through his contacts and pressed a button to make a call. He had received an invitation that was still open for him earlier that year. And, seeing how neglected her talent and herself were being treated, he knew he had to swoop in and make sure she remained on the right track to her inevitable destiny.

Singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' in front of a sold-out Broadway crowd. With him on the wings, proud and as madly in love with her like as he was right now. With his ring on her finger and his last name tied to her first.

"Coach Goolsby? Jesse St. James speaking." He sighed deeply and smiled slightly at the handicapped-friendly bus he knew belonged to McKinley. "I'm in".


	2. One

**Author's Note: **Hey, people. So… Yeah – a new story. Still working on my other ones, I promise. And this time, I have a co-author! Give it up for Ellie (aka MissElliexXxXx)! She's my amazing beta and we're writing together for the first time!

Hope you guys enjoy the first chapter of 'and I owe it all to you'! Don't forget to review!

**Disclaimer: **Nope... St. Pucktanerry would be abundant if _Glee _belonged to us.

**and I owe it all to you: **_one_

**H**e really shouldn't do this. He had no right to be concerned about her. He had been the one who threw eggs at her and left her in the dust. Surely if there was someone who she would want to talk to, it would never, not in a million years, be him. So why was he so uneasy about what he'd seen on stage? He feared he already knew the answer. It had simply not been the girl who charged down the aisle of the very same auditorium, belting out a song with emotional depth to put Barbra Streisand to shame. It had been a meek, broken little girl he hardly recognized. There were traces of that girl who'd he become mesmerized by the year before, but the rest of Rachel Barbara Berry seemed to have been lost.

Jesse dialed the number on his iPhone, slowly exhaling before lifting the device to his ear. It rung three times before he heard a click.

"Hello?" A deep, gruff voice came through the gadget.

"Puckerman", Jesse sighed, glad that he'd finally reached the person he wanted to speak to.

"St James", Puck seemed to recognize his voice right away; there was a rustle in the background and a female voice asking who it was. Puck answered briefly to the woman's call before readdressing Jesse "I hope this is important. I was kind of in the middle of something". He muttered. There was a clatter, a crackle and a voice over the phone, a voice Jesse recognized.

"Listen, St Jerk, Puckerman and I were just about to get it on, so this better be a life or death situation".

"Hello again, Santana", Jesse murmured, half-icily, half-amused by the Latina's frankness. "If you could just pass the phone back to Puck, I'll just take a couple moments and then you can get back to whatever I interrupted".

"Puto pendejo", Santana muttered before Puck's voice came back onto the phone; Jesse chuckled when he heard Santana shouting in Spanish in the background before a door slammed.

"Thanks a fucking lot. You've angered her, man". Puck said sarcastically, with a slight scolding tone in his voice. "Santana bites".

"Okay, too much information". Jesse wrinkled his nose in distaste. "I'll make this quick. I need a favor".

"I don't know man; you just turned a smoking hot hookup into a fucking dangerous one. Why should I help you?" He questioned smarmily.

"Because it's about Rachel". Jesse stated firmly.

Puck was silent for a moment before saying coolly, "Man, if you're gonna try something with B again, then I'm out. I want no part in it unless if I need to kick your ass. B's had enough to deal with the last couple of weeks".

"I'm not going to try anything with her", Jesse assured him, leaning back in his office chair. "It's just that I saw Rachel yesterday and I'm worried about her". He admitted.

There was an intake of breath. "You were at Sectionals?" Puck asked curiously.

"HE WAS WHERE?" Santana shouted from the other end. "Don't you fucking try to shut me up, Puckerman!" She screamed after a few seconds. Jesse chuckled.

"Dude, I'm putting this conversation on speaker phone before Santana castrates me", Puck said hurriedly, and the other boy chuckled.

"We wouldn't want that, would we?" Jesse retorted.

"Okay, we're all on conference call now" Puck announced after a couple moments. "And I just felt like I'm on a fucking chick flick". There was a pause, then a thumping sound, and Puck groaning, "The fuck, San?"

"You're such a little bitch sometimes, Puckerman-"

"Anyway", Jesse interrupted before the two could get their fight going, "as I was saying, When I saw Rachel yesterday, she was not herself".

"Well, I couldn't expect anything less from Man-Hands. She found out about me and Finnessa sexing it up last year a couple days ago", Santana said bored down the phone.

"Wait, what?" Jesse startled, shocked. Finn with SANTANA?

"You didn't know about that?" Puck asked, surprised. "Wow, you and Rachel are pretty oblivious for smart people".

"Maybe it's their egos", Santana suggested with a teasing tone, and Puck chuckled.

"Anyway", Jesse interrupted again, impatience coloring his voice, "even though that may explain part of what I saw, there was something else. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was very wrong". Jesse explained, his voice turning serious.

"I kind of get where you're coming from", Puck admitted after a moment.

"Where is this going, St Douche?" Santana quipped loudly. "I haven't had sex in sixteen straight hours and I don't have fucking time for your cryptic shit", She muttered.

"I need you to keep an eye on her, Puck", Jesse explained, choosing to ignore Santana's input. That… didn't quite sit well with the Cheerio.

"Hey! What about me? Am I invisible or something?" The Latina screeched, and Jesse winced at the volume of her voice, distancing the phone from his ear a couple more inches.

"You're many things, Lopez, but definitely not invisible", Jesse retorted. "I just thought you'd be uninterested seeing as you were the one who Finn slept with". He added.

"Yeah, so? I'm the real HBIC of McKinley, I know everything and, if I don't, I'll damn well find out" Santana told him in her bitchy, I-know-everything, you-don't-wanna-mess-with-me tone.

"So you'll help?" Jesse asked skeptically.

"I'll consider it", she muttered.

"And you, Puckerman?". He asked; there was silence for some moments.

"You're right. Something's up with B. I'll see what I can do".

"What are you gonna do anyway?" Santana put in. There was a creaking of bed springs in the background and Puck sighed.

"I'm still working on it at the moment; a lot of it will depend on what you guys manage to dig up", he explained, running a hand through his curls, a signature trait of his.

"Good to know this plan is well thought out", Santana retorted ironically.

"I'm doing what I can", Jesse replied hotly, anger colouring his voice. There was a snort on the other line. "What would you suggest?" Jesse asked coldly.

"Pin RuPaul down and interrogate her", Santana suggested matter-of-factly. "Maybe threaten to rip some of her stuffed animals to shreds. Or threaten her precious Broadway stuff", she added.

"You're awful", Jesse hissed.

"Why, thank you, Jackass", Santana replied, a smile in her voice. "It'll probably get better results than your little search and survey mission". She put in.

"It's the best I've got for now". Jesse explained, there was a male sigh.

"Why the fuck is this so important to you anyway?" Puck asked curiously. "I mean, Rachel's hardly any of your business anymore, I think you lost that right last year". He added coldly.

"Says who? Rachel's the only girl I've ever loved. I know I messed up with her but I'll still try my goddamn best to protect her and look after her, even if she doesn't want my help".

"You're fucking whipped", Santana muttered. "How did Man Hands manage that without even putting out?" She questioned loudly, groaning in frustration.

"Jealous, Santana?" Jesse asked, amused.

"No fucking way, St James!" Santana screamed in fury. "Pendejo de mierda, voy a cortar a pedazos de basura!" She began to curse in Spanish.

"I gotta go, talk tomorrow", Puck promised, a rare tone of nervousness in his voice.

"Yeah, cool, man, good luck with Satan!" Jesse told the boy. When the tell-tale click of a phone being hung up rung in his ear, He leant back and opened up a drawer on his desk. He slowly drew up his most cherished picture of Rachel. It had been taken during Mercedes' performance of 'Beautiful' at last year's Cheerio assembly, and he had his arms wrapped around her waist, singing and smiling, and she had her head thrown back, lips curled in a blissful smile. She looked so happy, so full of life back then.

"You're going to be fine, baby", he whispered, sliding the tips of his fingers over her smiling face. "I promise".


	3. Two

**Author's Note: **Thank you guys for the reviews and alerts! Ellie and I are pleased, we're working so hard on this!

**Disclaimer: **Not ours, unfortunately.

**and I owe it all to you: **_two_

**T**he next day found Puck watching Rachel as discretely and sneakily as he could (he was a BAMF, so you bet he could pull sneaky, fuck you very much). St. James' call the previous day had been surprising (how could they have missed him during sectionals? (Surely if his loud mouth hadn't given him away then his ridiculously large hair should have), but he would be lying if he said he hadn't noticed a change in Rachel lately. Ever since she began dating Finn, she ditched the tiny skirts (using longer ones that he had heard Chocolate Thunder call 'pencil skirts'. Huh?) and paired them off with long-sleeved shirts and blouses. She even threw out her beloved animal sweaters in favor of the new tops.

Weird.

But it wasn't just the clothes (he wished it was). You see, he and Rachel know each other since childhood (it came from being member of a small group within a tiny town), and he had come to learn the difference between genuinely happy Rachel and fake happy Rachel.

And since St. Jerk ditched them to flounce back to Vocal Adrenaline?

Yeah, the gleeks didn't know it, but they'd been living with fake-happy-Rachel twenty-four-fucking-seven.

But somehow, there was even something very, very wrong with fake-happy-Rachel. She had this thick layer of angst that not even Rachel's awesome acting chops could hide, like she clung to her secrets as if they were the only things keeping her together. But she was lying to herself, bursting apart at the seams under everyone's noses – only, no one was paying attention.

And St. James could be called every name on the book, but one thing he wasn't was inattentive when it came to Rachel. No wonder he managed to steal her from Finn in a week. Jesse knew exactly what Rachel wanted, when she wanted, and Puck often wondered if Rachel always secretly felt like Finn wasn't good enough ever since they got back together after Regionals. Comparing him and Finn should have done the trick, but it seemed like St James had fitted her bill of knight of shining armour.

(It felt weirdly like a triumph to know that, for once, Finn was the one who had the impossibly big shoes to fill).

He approached her from behind as she watched Finn trying to flirt up a storm with Santana (who was definitely faking her interest on the Jolly Glee Giant. Puck could tell the difference between Santana faking it, and Santana pretending to be turned on). The bell rung and they split apart, Santana quickly approaching Rachel and mumbling something at her that had his fellow Jew stiffening and her jaw clenched tighter than Pamela's Anderson face. Santana walked away, passing Puck's hiding place on the way out.

"Way to get info, Satan", Puck muttered sarcastically. The Latina narrowed her eyes, flipping her hair supposedly uncaringly (He knows at that moment that she will rip him a new one later), and stalked off, her hips swaying sensually as every guy watches her descent down the hall. Puck decided to make a swift entrance onto the scene, turning onto the hall, approaching the girl from behind, placing a hand on her shoulder. She swiveled around in shock. "You okay?" Puck asked her as she took his appearance in, looking him up and down, expectantly (her eyes darted to his hands first, and Puck quickly figured she was checking he wasn't packing slushie ammo).

When she's finished her second's inspection for slushies and other pranking tools, Rachel looked confused at him. "Why are you talking to me? Are you going to steal something from me?" She asked defensively, Puck chuckled slightly. He's already figured out the perfect excuse to be talking to her.

"Look, after six hours in that port-a-potty, Ozzy himself would have turned to God". He started, and her brows knitted together further at his random start to the conversation. "I prayed. I promised if he got me out of there I'd start being nicer to people". Rachel looked at him doubtfully at his statement, which would include an entire regime, personality and state of mind change. "Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it. To just Jews". He excused the last sentence, and Rachel looked seemingly relieved that Puck hadn't gone completely crazy in that port-a-potty. She smiled slightly, eyes never leaving Finn. Puck looked the same way and sighed.

"I see… Boyfriend troubles. I'm an expert on those, mostly because I'm the cause of them", he smirked as she rolled her eyes, and offered her his arm. "Walk with me".

She accepted, and her fingers dug into his guns as they walked past a glaring Finn. "Are you working out?" She asked coyly, the warmth of her hand burning his skin through his hoodie sleeve. "Your arms seem bigger".

"It's the steroids", he replied nonchalantly, smirking imperceptibly as he felt Finn's angry gaze burn holes on the back of his neck.

**

* * *

I**f you asked Puck later how he ended up in Rachel's room, with Rachel's soft plump lips pressed against his, her tiny hands roaming up and down his back and his fingers sliding up and down her leg, he'd tell you he had no fucking idea.

But it gave him an insight on what was really wrong with Rachel.

(Take that, Satan!)

He had his hands very close to the edge of her pen skirt (whatthefuckever), feeling the warmth of her inner thigh, when he felt her flinch and sharply bite down on his lower lip. He groaned (half in pain, half in lust) and pressed her even tighter against his body. His fingers slid up even further under her skirt…

… And then his phone rang loudly. And she pushed him off of her.

But not before he could feel very distinctly the outline of a gash on the soft skin of her inner thigh.

"Your phone", Rachel gasped softly as she slid up sitting on her soft mattress. Nodding dumbly (what was a gash doing on Rachel's thigh?), he picked the phone and froze as Jesse's name flashed in his caller ID. _Fuck_, he thought, sending the call straight to voicemail and returning to bed.

Rachel pressed her lips against his again, but the mood was gone, at least for him. His mind was heavy with speculation concerning that gash on her thigh, and with shame for hooking up with Rachel when he knew she wasn't over St. James. He pushed her away softly, and she blinked at him confused. "What? Did I… Did I bite you again?"

_Think, Puckerman, think! _"No… It's just… I can't do it. To Finn. Not again. I'm sorry". He stood up and gathered his stuff, before leaving without looking back and saying goodbye.

Once out of the Berry residence, the left tackle sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes. _You're so fucking stupid, Puckerman_, he berated himself as he stomped up to his truck. _You had a hot willing Jew and you blew her off because of a guy you don't even like!_

But there was progress made concerning what was really wrong with Rachel, so he could find a bit of a solace in that. Silently looking up at the lit up window of her bedroom, he began to think what could cause a gash on the insides of a girl's thighs.

He sighed once again. _Here's to hoping San had a better luck_.


	4. Three

**Ellie's author note: **Hey, it's Ellie here, Just wanna say thanks to everyone's who reviewed this story, your reviews are lovely to read and squeal about Julie. Thanks for giving us the chance to work together because she's a pretty awesome human being and an even awesomier writer. So thanks once again!

**Julie's author note: **Hi everyone! (Okay, so I totally teared up at Ellie's AN, isn't she a sweetie?) I'm so excited with everyone's reaction to this story! Most of this chapter was written by Ellie, who is one of my BFFs and so awesome and inspiring and creative! Keep the reviews coming because I send them over to Ellie all. The. Time!

**Disclaimer: **Unless Ellie bought its rights (have you, doll?), _Glee _still isn't ours.

**and I owe it all to you: **_three_

**S**antana watched from a distance as Finn charged from a side corridor, looking majorly pissed as he stared into space. What was up with him? The answer came a few seconds later as Rachel into the hallway, tears in her eyes.

"You said you'd never break up with me!" She shouted, voice void of any feeling. Finn turned to her as Santana leaned back against the cool metal lockers, watching the scene unravel before her eyes. Rachel shook with what seemed to be grief and a hint of anger in her eyes. Finn muttered something to her before turning away and continuing down the hall, stalking past the Latina as he did. After a few seconds of visibly breaking down and dissolving before Santana's eyes, Rachel lowered her head into her hands and sobbed. No one paid attention to the weeping girl in the middle of the hallway. Santana watched, trying to figure out what to do now (Rachel would hardly take comfort from her right now).

So she just watched as Rachel straightened up after a few minutes and head down the hall with her red blotchy face and puffy eyes, makeup smudged and her hair managing to look disorderly though she had really touched it during her breakdown. She swept past Santana, whose eyes followed her as she headed towards her locker, opening it and grabbing her makeup and other essentials in making herself tidy again. Rachel brought out her pink binder and tucked it under her arm as she headed towards the bathroom silently, like a ghost.

Santana decided to leave her surveillance there for now (mostly because she thought following Rachel into the bathroom was not only asking for her cover to be blown, but also a bit stalkerish) so she began to swagger down the hall, towards the cafeteria to pretend to eat something (And chug a bottle of Master Cleanse down). After about ten minutes of pushing a salad around her plate, completely uninterested with the topic of discussion at the Cheerio table, Santana pushed herself up to go to the bathroom. She entered the small, dingy room; seeing that both stalls were occupied (well, one was broken), she groaned audibly as she leant against the wall, crossing her arms across her chest.

The stall door opened a couple seconds later to reveal Rachel, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, eyes still red. Her supplies were tucked under her arms, clutching them to her chest as she walked out, sniffing. Santana furrowed her brow as the door slammed shut. Why had it taken Rachel ten minutes to sort herself out? It should have been a three minute job, tops. Santana shook herself slightly, trying to forget the brunette's odd behavior, reminding herself that she did not care about Berry. She was doing this for St. Jerkface and only him (she kinda liked the bastard. Besides, he toned down Crazy Berry a lot during their time together). Plus, the quicker Jesse had closed a deal with Puckerman, the sooner she could get her hookup.

Santana began into the stall, closing the door behind her and humming to herself as she pulled the lock down. Something red flashed in the corner of her eye and she turned in the small box to see the source of the curious object. In the corner of the stall was a scrunched up piece of tissue, stained through with blood. Fresh blood. Santana crinkled her nose at the object, picking it up on a little white corner, not covered in the red liquid and tossing it into the bowl of the toilet.

Santana's discovery, however, didn't end there: there was a small dash of blood on the side of the seat. Suddenly Santana just wanted to be out of the bathroom. There was something seriously wrong, she could feel it. Fighting back the small lump of bile that rose to her throat, she pulled the lock open and stalked out the bathroom.

"Hey Satan!" Puck called as he approached her as she walked out of the bathroom.

"Sup Puckerman?" She questioned, crossing her arms across her chest, he arrived in front of her.

"I was with Rachel yesterday and I noticed something weird-"

"No, Puck, her boobs are genuinely that small", Santana deadpanned as she passed him to get to her locker, opening the door. She pulled out her required books for the next lesson as Puck leant against the lockers beside her, a small smile on his lips at her quip.

"No, I think I might have found out what's wrong with her", Puck announced, Santana raised an eyebrow in intrigue, grabbing her lip gloss.

"Really? That was quicker than expected", she sniped, applying the light pink gloss to her lips, slowly dragging it across her skin, making her lips sticky and glassy with the makeup. She popped her lips, rubbing them together a couple times as Puck looked away.

"Not funny, Satan" He muttered. Santana glanced sideways at him and noticed, stirring deep within the hazel eyes, the flash of genuine concern. This picked her curiosity, because, while Puck and Rachel knew each other since diapers or something, he never truly showed her any concern.

"So... What's the verdict?" She questioned, putting her lip gloss tube back into her locker.

"I found a gash on her inner thigh", he admitted quietly, and Santana furrowed her brow.

"How did you get to see her inner thigh?" She inquired slowly.

"We, hum, kinda of made out yesterday", he muttered, and the Latina raised her eyebrows, the last piece of the Finchel breakup clicking into place: Rachel must had told Finn what had happened, and, since there was all this past bad blood between Finn and Puck (hello, Babygate?), Finn reacted by ditching RuPaul.

"Whoa" was all she could say.

"Yeah, back to the point", Puck carried on hurriedly. "There's this gash on Rachel's inner thigh, what could it mean?" He asked as Santana closed her locker.

"Hmmm…" The Cheerio mused, leaning against her locker door as she thought. "A gash on her thigh? That could mean a lot of things. An operation scar? An unfortunate accident? A reason for those indecently short skirts she wears?"

"Nuh-uh, this was a fresh one", Puck insisted, eyes glazing as he remembered Rachel's reaction when his fingers grazed her hurt skin. "I swear she winced when I touched it. She also pushed me off".

"Boy, I bet you were worked up if you were feeling up Berry's thigh", she chuckled.

"I would have been, except that sort of thing is a total buzz kill".

"We should tell Finn that wounds are an effective replacement for his 'mailman' problem", Santana pointed out with an evil smirk. Puck guffawed at the crack at Finn. "So – a fresh gash?" Santana said aloud as she thought. Something kept coming back to her memory.

The bloody tissue.

In the stall where Rachel had been hiding out for ten minutes.

A gash?

"Did she get really defensive when you started touching up her thighs?" Santana questioned slowly, heart clenching as the pieces slowly clicked together. _Dios mio…_

"No, not really, I didn't go that far. I just touched her there a bit. Uh, I left because I felt like I was betraying St. James". He admitted. "I know she's not really over him. Besides, I kinda received a wakeup call".

"Fuck", Santana grumbled, too busy thinking to tease Puck about going soft on his old age. A bloody tissue. A new gash on her thigh. A place that wasn't easy to see, an intimate spot that, due to Finn's, Puck's and St. Douche's inability to swipe her v-card, was private to her and her only. Acting different, all fake happy and shit. A morbidly depressing breakdown in the hall prior to the discovery of the blood soaked tissue. A tendency to be overdramatic. It all fit.

"Oh my god", Santana whispered as it finally clicked inside her head. Her heart was heavy. "We need to talk to St. James". She didn't even care that she'd used his proper name. This was serious now.

"Fuck, I did not ask for this!" She exclaimed as she walked away towards the school's front door. Puck hurried after her, frowning.

"What is it, San?" He asked quietly.

"Let's go to your home. I don't care that we have class. This is fucking serious, Puck. You'll know once we manage to get a hold of St. James. We need help".


	5. Four

**Ellie's Author Note: **All Julie, this chapter. Praise her for this AMAZING chapter. Thanks once more for the awesome reviews.

**Julie's Author Note: **We finally learn what's going on with Miss Berry (doesn't mean everyone is believing it, but hey…). Also, I had no idea where my muse wanted to go when I started this, but Ellie and I agreed to go along with it.

**Disclaimer: **Everything you recognize belongs to RM. Everything you don't belong to either me or Ellie.

**and I owe it all to you: **_four_

**J**esse was hanging out on his dorm after a especially grueling dance class, when his phone rang with the tone he had especially assigned to Puck. Perking up immediately – news of Rachel! – he rushed to pick it up, "What do you have for me, Puckerman?" He asked, getting up from his bed and pacing nervously. He hated this, hated relying on someone else to keep an eye out for Rachel when all he wanted to do was to be in Ohio to look over her himself. But he still had two weeks before Christmas break and, no matter how much he loved Rachel, he wouldn't ditch his classes to rush back. She wouldn't forgive him if he did that.

"St. James", Santana's voice sounded hard, serious and worried all at the same time. "We know what's wrong with Rachel".

Jesse gaped. Santana _never _called Rachel by her given name, choosing to address her by hurtful and unneeded nicknames that Jesse knew tore deeply into Rachel's self-esteem. "What's it?" He asked quickly. If Santana was calling Rachel by her name, it was serious. "Is she sick? Depressed? Going through money problems? Home issues?"

He heard Santana sigh, and Puck grunt something like 'get over it and fucking spill already', and then…

"Rachel's cutting".

He gasped, shocked.

"No. No way. You're wrong, she wouldn't do that. It would scar her skin and put her future Broadway reign in jeopardy and she wouldn't do that", he shook his head negatively, even though his Lima conspirators couldn't see him.

He heard a soft feminine growl. "Shut the fuck up, St. Jerk. Have you ever felt such crushing pain that physical hurt meant a relief and not something to get rid of or to avoid at all costs? Have you ever felt such a devastating numbness that feeling something, anything, even pain, means you're still alive? Have you ever felt so inadequate that you had to see your blood to know you're human?" The words left her mouth in a rushing mess, stumbling all over each other, leaving him frozen in his spot.

(In Lima, Puck looked at Santana with new eyes. She spoke like she knew what Rachel was going through, like she understood Rachel's feeling. It was… somewhat scary. But to see this human side of Santana, coming out to fight for the least expected person… It warmed his heart).

"Can't say I have", Jesse mumbled, secretly terrified at the picture Santana's harsh but truthful words were painting. Could Rachel really be feeling all those things Santana was saying? He honestly wanted to say she couldn't, but… He felt in his heart that she could.

_No. She isn't cutting herself. It would scar. And Broadway doesn't accept anything short of perfection for its queens._

"So shut the fuck up and listen to who have. Rachel's cutting. She needs help".

"She isn't", he replied coldly. "I'm coming home in two weeks. Hopefully we'll manage to figure out what's really going on with her by then. Talk to you later, guys".

**

* * *

T**he click of a phone being shut had Santana grinding her teeth together in frustration. Leave it to St. Bitch to dismiss anything that wasn't as easily solved as Rachel being her normal dramatic self. Throwing Puck's phone on his unmade bed, she paced back and forth inside his bedroom, like a caged tigress. Leant back on his desk chair, Puck himself watched her closely, pieces clicking in his mind as his mind took him back to the first days after Santana's mother's death, when they were in middle school. She was a Cheerio even then and they were hooking up on and off, but for months after Lucia Lopez's passing her youngest ditched the indecently short skirts of the cheerleaders, wearing loose jeans and long-sleeved sweaters. She refused to allow his hands to come anywhere down her waist.

"It was after your mom… Wasn't it?" He asked quietly, and Santana froze, turning slowly around to face him. In his eyes, there was nothing but understanding and compassion. He was Noah at the moment – the young man she remembered hating to see make an appearance for Rachel, the broken boy she recalled gathering in her arms once Shelby took Beth home – and tears welled in her eyes as she sat down at his wrinkled bed, nodding silently.

"It was… so sudden. One day she was this strong untamable force of nature at home, scolding me for not doing my chores, and the next she was this frail shell laying in the hospital bed".

"I remember", Puck said quietly, flashing back to a few years earlier and the last time he laid eyes on Santana's mother. He remembered her being as scary as his own mother. But then she was this broken, devastated copy of herself, and for the first time Puck had felt pity for his then kinda-girlfriend.

She nodded silently. "I never imagined life without her. You know? She was supposed to be this fierce, strong person who would be there for me every time I needed her, to remind me of when she was a little girl in Mexico growing up hungry and nearly homeless, to make me see how lucky I am that I have everything I have". The Latina hastily wiped the single tear that rolled down her cheek. "I felt so empty I started sliding my nails down my arm just to feel pain. Just to remember she had left but I hadn't. And then my nails weren't painful enough, so I resorted to a paperclip. And then the paperclip wasn't enough, I started running the tip of a knife on my skin".

He nodded in understanding as she quieted. "Mariana found me, more or less five months after madrecita died and I started hurting myself. She told papa and after yelling at me until he was blue in the face he handed me over to a therapist. It helped".

Puck was silent for a moment then said softly, "You managed to turn your life around, San. You stopped cutting yourself. Rachel will manage to beat this too".

The Latina sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly as she leant against his bed's headboard. "I hope you're right, Puck. Por Dios, I hope you're right".

**

* * *

D**ustin Goolsby was watching as his Vocal Adrenaline pupils gave their best onstage, eyes darkening as they focused on their latest addition. Sunshine Corazon was quite talented, but she had two unfixable problems. One, she lacked beauty. Sure, she was fit had quite a big voice for such a tiny thing, but she wasn't stunningly beautiful. Second, she didn't have star quality. Jesse St. James became _Jesse St. James_ because he had it. Star potential. No, not potential – the kid _was_ a star from the moment Shelby gave him the Vocal Adrenaline lead.

The last person who had it all – meaning: looks, drive, talent and star quality – was the one who had led Sunshine straight to his lap. Rachel Berry, the neglected female lead of New Directions, had caught his eye the minute she began the first accords of 'Don't Rain On My Parade'. He mentioned trying to lure her over to VA to Shelby, but she shot the idea down saying VA didn't need a female lead when they had Jesse.

Well, now they didn't have Jesse. And, while Sunshine was quite good and improving considerably under VA's strict rehearsal regimen, she couldn't command the stage and domineer the attention the same way Rachel could do. He needed to bring Rachel Berry to Carmel. He just needed to figure out how.

His phone rang and he smiled pleased when he checked his caller ID. "St. James, just the man I need. When are you arriving?"

"Morning, Goolsby. Uh… I'm planning on going back to Ohio in two weeks, if that's okay".

"Just get back here, okay? Vocal Adrenaline needs you".

"I thought you guys had that Filipino girl you managed to lure away from McKinley as the new lead?"

Groolsby grunted as he watched Sunshine struggling with the hardcore dance routine for their new number – Justin Timberlake's 'SexyBack'. "Cut the crap, St. James. You know while she's decent she is no star. She's no you. Or, rather, she's no Rachel Berry".

There was a silence. "Why are you mentioning Berry?"

"Let's face it, St. James. Berry's star quality is being wasted on New Directions. She deserves to be front and center stage, and she'll fade away if she remains just harmonizing and swaying on the back. Here she'll flourish".

"What are you saying, Goolsby?"

"I know Berry is your ex. I want you to convince her to join VA". Before Jesse could interrupt him, he added, "No hidden agenda from her, though, St. James. Tell her if she wants to join, she'll be more than welcome. No pressure also. I know she has a bad impression of us because of that mess between her and Shelby last year, but I want you to tell her I'm inviting her to be the only lead of VA. No need to share it with a bunch of untalented brats who don't deserve her solos".


	6. Five

**Ellie's Author's Note:** Okay well, Julie and I are once again thankful for all your amazing reviews, we really love getting to work on this together and we're glad you like it. I'd like to point out that the end of this chapter is the work of the amazing Julie, that me and her have been trying to fit in for a while now. You guys have no idea how good it makes me feel to work with someone as amazing as Julie. Thanks once more!

**Julie's Author's Note: **Ellie always makes me blush with her sweet author's notes. This chapter is mostly thanks to her, my awesome co-writer. Give it up to Miss Ellie, will you? Thank you so much for the positive feedback. I'd like to hear from you guys that went through what Rachel is going through. I myself, while being treated for depression for six years now, never was a cutter, so I'd really like to know if I'm getting it right (and I know Ellie would like too). Thanks in advance!

**Disclaimer: **Oh please!

**and I owe it all to you: **_five_

**A** week had passed since the St. Jerk phone call disaster as Santana had dubbed it, and it had been a slow one at that. A strange one too. The Christmas decorations decked the halls with seasonal joy once more, the glee club themselves finding a mascot in their sickly little tree that Brittany had lovingly nicknamed 'Twigs' and stealing boxes from displays in the mall (Puckerman's doing). With all the tidings of comfort and joy, Santana found herself watching what little negative emotion still ran amok in the halls manifest itself in Rachel a little more with every day that passed, like she was holding everyone else's shit for them whilst they rang in the festive season. Santana tried to stay on the outside of this storm cloud, doing little things that she thought would help whilst keeping her bitchy persona intact, always trying to busy her in Glee Club without seeming like she cared.

Though she'd rather kill herself before admitting it, she was starting to care about Berry. She was self-harming, for crying out loud, she needed compassion right now. She needed someone to care. She needed someone to watch over her. And, above all, she needed help – the same help that Santana got – and she needed friends, true and loyal friends. Santana wouldn't have kicked her habit without her sister and papa at her side, Berry sure as hell wasn't going to be able to do it alone. No matter how strong and driven she was deep down, right now she wasn't emotionally fit to see the wrong in her ways.

But she wouldn't have to do it by herself.

She had Puck and St. Jerk (Santana knew denial when she saw it. She also knew that, once he returned to Ohio in seven days and counting and saw the evidence with his own eyes, as she had, he'd see sense). Santana remained adamant that she was going to make sure that Rachel would be okay, because no one, not even Rachel Berry, deserved the pain and emotional instability that she must be feeling, that Santana had felt. Santana would just watch from the sidelines for now, surveying her like a guardian angel.

(Santana's theory of 'quietly watching from the shadows' lasted a week.)

It was hard to watch someone, knowing they were suffering as she had suffered, alone, scared and hurt, and not do anything about it, even something small. Santana threw her plan out the window in the middle of that week and moved onto the backup plan.

"So I'd like to try Mercedes out for the _Wicked_ Solo and Santana for the _West Side Story_ one", Mr. Schuester announced, handing out respective sheet music to the two girls. Santana's eyes flickered to a shell-shocked looking Rachel, who looked like she was about to open her mouth and say something. Santana waited with baited breath for Hurricane Rachel to blow through, Puck beside her doing the same, but when Rachel pursed her lips and hung her head, Santana took action.

"Sir?" She raised her hand.

"Yes, Santana, do you have a question?" Mr. Schuester asked.

"Don't you think that Rachel would be a better fit for the _Wicked_ solo? Her vocal range is more suitable than Weezy's". Santana stated it as if it were solid fact that Schuester could not deny, her eyes persuasive and almost pouting.

Rachel's head shot up at this news, watching the Latina closely, as if she'd grown a third head.

"I agree, Mr. Schue. Rach killed in that diva-off last year". Puck followed onto Santana's reasoning, clicking onto the reasons Santana had spoken up and nodding firmly.

"Please, she won because I purposefully blew the note". Kurt snorted boastfully, earning a cruel smile from Mercedes as they shared a smirk. "I'd have to agree though; Mercedes may not be the best fit for the solo. I'd like to put myself forward". Kurt interjected, pointing one finger towards the ceiling.

Puck and Santana shared a quick look of alarm. _'What have we just done?_' were the words that seemed to scream from every tiny and invisible pore of Santana as she watched Mr. Schuester consider the options in front of him, leaning against the piano.

"Santana, Rachel has had enough solos as it is. Maybe we should give the _Wicked_ solo to Kurt instead". Mr. Schuester reasoned, looking her straight in the eyes.

"That wasn't what I said!" She retorted, hotly, her Latin heritage coming forward as she narrowed her eyes at their couch. "I think that Rachel would make a better choice, we freaking tied at Sectionals and why? Because you didn't put our best player on the front line".

"Hey!" Quinn put in, obviously offended about Santana's comment on her and her accessory that went by the name of Sam's barely above average performance at their last competition.

"Oh, go rub yourself with stretch mark cream, big mama!" Santana sneered. Ken and Barbie (Santana had to admit that Rachel's assigned nickname for the blondes was pretty badass) looked at each other, not sure how to deal with Santana's remark and Quinn looked away into her lap as the debate continued.

"But we lost last year with Rachel as a soloist!" Finn argued. Santana inhaled sharply, her eyes darting to see Rachel's broken reaction to her former beau's attack against her.

"You were singing too", Puck reasoned, narrowing his eyes at his ex-best friend.

"Surely, Rachel would be more suited for this solo; she's been doing Broadway since she was in diapers for crying out loud!" Santana interjected, waving her hands dramatically.

"Santana!" Mr. Schue's call of her name cracked like a whip, the whole room went silent. "I'm sorry, but, for now, Mercedes has the solo, we'll review at a later date".

"Por Dios…" Santana muttered, slumping back.

"This is called not getting your way". Quinn told her from the second row. "Not a nice feeling".

"You would know, wouldn't you? After all, if you had _your_ way, Frankenteen would still be thinking he knocked you up on a hot tub" Santana shot back, silencing the blonde. The rehearsal quickly got back on track; Mercedes tried (and failed) the solo out with Mr. Schuester smiling brightly at her efforts, Tickle me Dough Face going all weepy eyes and everyone looked rather moved.

Santana watched as Rachel observed the lesson with a blank expression, seemingly not caring about the argument that had erupted earlier and the product of the debate. The bell rang and she was first out, Santana tried not to run after her, gulping back any emotions she felt about the girl, knowing that she had to fuck it up once more for the crowds. Human Santana was for closed doors, Unofficial Head Cheerio Santana was on display right now.

**

* * *

H**er head was swimming as she forced herself to walk calmly out of the choir room. Schue, Kurt and Finn had added to her ache today, Schue by giving Mercedes and Santana two solos that were deservingly hers; Kurt by holding her talent cheap and Finn by blaming her for their loss last year at Regionals. It shouldn't hurt, because they acted no different from how they acted every day, but it did. No matter how much she tried to steel herself, still their attitudes daily hurt her even more.

She opened her locker slowly and picked up the stuff she'd need for homework that night. A quick glance at the carefully tucked in blade had her shivering, antsy for the relief she knew it could provide. The tiny brunette looked around at the empty hall before picking the blade up, shaking slightly at the cool feel of it against her skin. A quick glance at the locker that used to be _his _had her biting her lip as memories of how she started using this object as an escape to her overwhelming pain rushed back in her mind.

_She didn't know when this started but she couldn't find in herself stop. He looked so beautiful and perfect and untouchable that her heart hurt and she didn't want it to ache anymore, wanted the pain to stop and the numbness to come back so she slipped the blade inside her binder and then Brittany approached her and she was antsy to walk away and just have the numbness back but she couldn't be rude or harsh at Brittany, because Brittany was a ray of sunshine and she needed this kind of high spirits so desperately. She used to be like Brittany: strong and optimistic and cheerful and always-oh-so-happy that it's annoying. But then _he_ arrived, and taught her how to be proud of herself, how to lovelovelovelove so much she was almost breathless with the sliver of fear of being left and heartbroken, how to just be._

_Brittany and she walked to their classes and they stopped at her classroom's door. Her arm shifted slightly and the sleeve rode up a little and she could see the thin red gash of last night's desperate attempt to get rid of the pain. She had started sinking her nails into her skin until it broke and blood bubbled up, but then it wasn't enough. She then retorted to a piece of barbed wire she found at their garage, but then it also stopped being satisfying. She then bought the thinnest, sharpest blade she could find, and for now it seemed to be doing the trick._

_With shame flowing through her veins, she tugged down at her sleeve, hiding the angry crimson line, because seeing it made her embarrassed for her weakness, but at the same time it made her crave for the feel of the blade inside her binder against her skin and she wouldn't be the one who hurt Brittany._

_Her eyes flitted around and she thought she was seeing _him_ and she was breathless and hurtinghurtinghurting, and the pain became too much. Her eyes stayed dry – she had no more tears to spill, just the devouring pain inside her chest and the numbness that the blade hidden within her school notes gave her. She didn't sing anymore because even singing couldn't soothe her pain the way it used to._

_Only the blade managed to help her nowadays._

_Brittany walked away to her class and she breathed a sigh of relief before running to the nearest bathroom. She locked herself within the first empty stall, picked the blade, slid it open and lifted her skirt. She ran a finger along the thin red gashes scattered in her milky skin, and found an almost empty patch. She ran the blade slowly over it, and the numbness rush she had was so strong, it left her lightheaded. She slid against the stall wall, pain shooting from the open gash. Blood oozed out and she smiled, a bitter, drunk-like grin._

_She was fine. For now._


	7. Six

**Disclaimer: **Nope...

**and I owe it all to you: **_six_

**R**achel stood in the middle of the empty auditorium, exactly center-stage, dimly lit with tinted blue lights, which seemed to make her feel colder than she had been in the freezing air, in just her skirts and thin tights; the wall of numbness that she had perfected and built for the last weeks – no, the last _months_ – was slowly slipping away, like melting snow under bright burning sun as she reflected her tumultuous last few days.

Santana's harsh revelation of Finn's virginity-related lies, the less than perfect performance at Sectionals, their tied win… Noah's warm lips on her own (Strange that even for a second, she wished the lips kissing hers had belonged to another boy, were _his_ lips to be exact. She'd wished that another pair of hands had been running over her body, through her hair, as she would run her fingers through his curls. It was only for a second, but it had been there, tearing a new one in her heart), skilled digits sliding up her torn skin… Her coming clean to Finn about her moment of weakness with Noah, and the shocking aftermath, his quick breakup with her…

Rachel lowered her head, struggling hard to prevent herself from crying.

Why was it so easy for people to move on from her? Had she been nothing but an acting exercise, rebound, distraction and warm body to any of them?

_He_ showed no emotion whatsoever during regionals, celebrating her shameful defeat by hugging her mother tight. Finn was slowly putting the moves on Santana (Though she seemed to be rebuffing his advances). Noah was busy romancing Lauren if rumors had it right. Her three boyfriends didn't seem to go through the same heartache she did post their own respective breakups. Rachel's fingers glazed over her bare arms as she thought, wished that one of them, _anyone_ of them had shown some emotion in losing her, made her feel like she had been something whose loss meant heartbreak and self-disappointment.

If she was honest to herself, the one breakup that hurt the most was with _him_. (She still couldn't make herself say his name. It hurt too much, even after so many time past) He was her soul-mate, the one person who she believed would understand her no matter what. They were made of the same stuff, dreams, ambition, talent, drive and beauty.

Sighing and shifting in her stool (and smiling slightly at the bolt of pain shooting from her cut-up thighs), she opened up her lips and sang.

_Greeting cards have all been sent_

_The Christmas rush is through_

_But I still have one wish to make_

_A special one for you_

Her mind flashed from memories of _him_ to memories of Finn and memories of Noah as she tucked a piece of her wavy hair behind her ear, her voice growing stronger and more emotional with each verse.

_Merry Christmas darling_

_We're apart that's true_

_But I can dream and in my dreams_

_I'm Christmas-ing with you_

A bitter smile curved her lips as she imagined her fellow glee clubbers celebrating the holidays, surrounded by family and loved ones. Tina's and Mike's families would get together; Artie would spend Christmas Eve with Brittany's family and Christmas Day the Pierces would join the Abrams for lunch. Santana and Mercedes would go to the Hudson-Hummel residence for Christmas day after spending the Eve with their respective families. Quinn and Sam had been busy meshing his family traditions with her mother's decision to watch Christmas Mass on their church.

She and Noah, as the only Jews in the group (she smiled slightly as she recalled how he quoted Willow Rosenberg from 'Buffy' by saying, "Not everyone worships Santa"), would get together every night of Hanukkah, but after praying and eating he would certainly leave to his own devices. And she would be left alone, as always.

_Holidays are joyful_

_There's always something new_

_But every day's a holiday_

_When I'm near to you_

She wondered what _he _would do during winter break. Would he come back to Ohio, would he join his parents on their usual trip to Bali to escape the merciless and cold white Ohioan Christmas, would he skip both altogether and rather stay in California enjoying the balmy weather and frolicking with his new, skinny, busty, blonde hookups?

(Her fists clenched involuntarily as she imagined a taller, more tanned and athletic version of Quinn Fabray all wrapped up around him. Her long nails broke into her skin, the prickling pain going unnoticed by her)

_The lights on my tree_

_I wish you could see_

_I wish it every day_

_Logs on the fire_

_Fill me with desire_

_To see you and to say_

She had so much she wanted to say. So many things that she locked in her heart, unspoken because of her crippling fear that Kurt and the other would be proved right, the same fear that led her to triplecast him, Finn and Noah in her 'Run Joey Run' video. She took a deep, calming breath as she remembered that it had been his trip to spring break in San Diego, which left her behind brokenhearted, terrified and crushed by indescribable pain, what led her to start her close alliance with her cutting objects.

_That I wish you Merry Christmas_

_Happy New Year, too_

_I've just one wish_

_On this Christmas Eve_

_I wish I were with you_

She wished he was there with her. The strong, fearless young girl she was before that fateful week wished desperately for her other half to be around her during this joyful time. But he had made the decision to leave, to crack that egg into her head, to leave her behind to deal with the extreme pain their sudden and unexplainable breakup filled her. And deal she did, the only ways she knew how.

By slashing her creamy skin open and pretending everything was fine and well in the life of Rachel Berry, hiding her shattered heart behind the façade of a happy and fulfilling relationship with Finn Hudson. All the while denying that she still longed for the one boy that gave her heaven, before shoving her into hell.

_Logs on the fire_

_Fill me with desire_

_To see you and to say_

_That I wish you Merry Christmas_

_Happy New Year, too_

_I've just one wish_

_On this Christmas Eve_

_I wish I were with you_

_I wish I were with you_

She stood slowly, secretly smiling from the stabs of pain from her thighs and began to walk off the stage, her footsteps echoing as she went. She reached the light box in the wings, pressing the main off button, the lights clicking loudly and fading down before she left the auditorium, and her broken self behind. Time for the numbness to fill her up once more.

**

* * *

I**t was a harsh difference, the weather of California from the one in Ohio. It had felt awkward and embarrassing, to hop in his flight with a thick, woolly coat hanging by his arm, tourists either smirking condescendingly at him or staring at him like he was crazy. Because, who would leave the perfect, crispy, warm December in Los Angeles to go some place where a thick wool jacket would be needed?

Jesse almost backed off. But then memories of the broken shell of the girl he fell in love with earlier this year filled his mind, and he knew he couldn't do it. Rachel needed him, and he was sure with that with a certainty he could feel into his bones. He still doubted Satan had been right on her assessment of the situation, but he knew something was very, very wrong with the love of his life.

He slid the jacket on as the plane touched ground softly, a deep sigh of satisfaction leaving his lips. Rising from his seat, he picked up his messenger bag, the softness of the battered Care Bear Rachel had won for him after their Wiggles concert date hitting against the side of his body. A small smile curved his lips as he softly patted the toy hidden inside his bag, and he navigated the small sea of tired travelers to reach the exit. Breathing in the icy Columbus air, he allowed a small seed of hope to take home into his heart.

He was home. His transference papers to the Akron campus of Ohio State had been filled and sent to his new school; his new spot as Vocal Adrenaline assistant coach just waiting for him to fill it. Most importantly, however, was the empty position of lead singer of his former show choir. Goolsby had sent him some videos of the joke of a lead female VA had and, while the Filipina could sing quite decently, she was no him and definitely no Rachel Berry.

Jesse would make sure Rachel came home. Vocal Adrenaline would be her home. The limitlessly talented only daughter of Shelby Corcoran (he refused to acknowledge the baby Shelby was raising as her daughter) would start a new era in VA, the era of a queen, a gentle, big-hearted queen who was ruthless when it came to her spotlight. And VA, and Carmel, would reply in kind, reverencing, worshipping and adoring Rachel the way she deserved to be reverenced, worshipped and adored.

And he would be by her side, her leading man, redeemed from past mistakes by his hand on helping her get back on her track to the inevitable fate that waited for her. In Carmel, their love story would be for the ages, cherished, envied and swooned over.

He was home. And he would make sure Rachel made Carmel her home, and Vocal Adrenaline her undisputed kingdom.


	8. Seven

**Julie's (Quite Long) Author Note: **The second half of this chapter was especially hard for me to write. I cried after I finished doing it. Ellie and I would love to thank all of our 78 reviewers so far for their kind words and support. We'd be nothing without your feedback. A special thanks from me to Original Groffette and northstar61 because they write my favorite St. Berry stories ever (respectively, 'How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?' and 'Somebody to Love You') and they're so kind in their feedback.

I'd like to hear from those who went through what Rachel is going through: did I get it right? What should be the next step? Would it be okay if she fell back into her old habits after some progress? Should Rachel go to Carmel and kiss ND's sorry ass goodbye? Send me or Ellie a PM with your answers and suggestions. We never went through this but we'd love to hear from you guys.

**Ellie's Author Note: **Hey guys, just wanted to say that I really love writing this story, it's something that I feel very proud to be part of and something I will treasure forever. This story is definitely pushing me to be a better writer, I'm learning a lot more on this story than I have any other. I'll admit that I'm out my comfort zone and depth some days with this but I keep trying. And I have the amazing Julie there the whole time. I personally think co-writing is such an amazing feeling, especially if you know the other writer as well as me and Julie do. (Seriously, she 's behind like half my stories, she betas them, gives me ideas, helps me out, listens to my problems even if they have nothing to do with writing.) I'm probably rambling... so I'd like to thank everyone for the reviews (They are so beautiful and heartfelt, so inspiring) and to let you know that I'm here as long as you want me. Enjoy the story.

**and I owe it all to you: **_seven_

"**O**kay, once more from the top," Mr. Schuester ordered from his desk as the New Directions milled about on stage; as it was usual, Jesse's eyes landed on Rachel almost immediately – she was standing to the side of the stage, her arms wrapped around her petite frame tightly. She's staring into space, a blank look on her face that made the hairs on Jesse's arms raise.

She looked pale and thinner than when he last saw her. He didn't count Sectionals; the show face had been fixed in place that day, the adrenaline of performing probably rushing through her veins, giving off the illusion of health and wellbeing. Now, she just looked hollow, the complete opposite to the Rachel Berry he'd seen storm through the doors of Regionals and give it her all.

Had Santana and Puck been telling the truth? Could Rachel be cutting? Jesse shivered at that thought and sunk into the shadows a bit further, resting against a pillar to cover him as the scene continued.

"Rachel", Mr. Schuester called her from her reverie and her head snapped up.

"Yes, Mr. Schue?" She asked. Her voice was hollow, and it thickened the slight shadow of despair clenching at his heart.

"To your place, please". Mr. Schuester ordered, not looking up from the papers on his desk.

"Yes, Mr. Schue". She replied submissively, slowly returning to her place in the back row. The fucking back row. Jesse waited for Rachel to grumble her way about the unfairness of a future Broadway star like her being backing vocal to definitely subpar singers – but he watched in shock as she took her place next to Mercedes, as the door opened and Santana and Puck stepped through.

_Oh sweet God, Rachel, what have we done to you?_

"Nice of you to join us", Mr. Schue told them acidly; Santana rolled her eyesand jumped onto stage to her place in the second row, her eyes briefly meetingJesse's to confirm his presence. She nodded once before moving her gaze toface the front as the band started up.

"Ugh! Move it, RuPaul!" Quinn hissed as Rachel began to zone out once more_. _"Come back from your little fantasy land where you'll be a star one day andfocus!" She added harshly. Rachel looked slightly frazzled by the blonde'scomment, but made a submissive gesture and moved.

"Yeah, Rachel, just because you're not the star of this week's number doesn't mean you have to make all of us look bad" Finnadded. Rachel's face fell at the second admission into the conversation, hands clenching into fists.

Jesse's face became stone hard as he resisted the urge to reveal himself, walk up that stage, kick the living daylights out of that talentless ogre and carry Rachel off with him. But he didn't need, for Puck took a step forward, narrowing his eyes at his former best friend.

"Shut your fucking mouth up, Finderella", Puck barked, Santana by his side with eyes that fluttered between Rachel and the so-called leading male of their show choir.

"Finn and Quinn are right", Mercedes chimed in, her voice especially malicious. Jesse could see Santana's anger rising by the second; he could practically see the steam coming out her earsas she tried to remain passive. His own fury was boiling up as well as hetried not to rush over to the stage and lay into those ungrateful little bastards. The whole display in front of him cemented his decision that he had to take Rachel away from McKinley. She seemed to be bursting at the seams and he was terrified of what could happen if it actually came to life.

Rachel began to walk off the stage, notstorming like she was famed for, but slow, quiet steps."Rachel", Mr. Schue called after her half heartedly, Quinn and Mercedes smirking victoriously.

"Let her go, Mr. Schue, we don't need losers here", the African-American added, and Jesse saw Puck placing a firm arm around Santana's waist. Rachel didn't reply: sheshoved the door open weakly and stepped through.

Nobody seemed bothered by theloss of today's rehearsal; obviously she hadn't been a key component intoday's number.

Jesse didn't stay to watch Santana laying into Jones and Fabray in Spanish, and Puck screaming bloody murder to Hudson, or to hear the number. He only caught Santana's burning gaze for a second as he backed up and pushed his own way through the door, beginning down the hall.

* * *

**S**he padded blindly towards her locker, the wall of numbness around herself stick thin and beginning to crack and crumble. She could feel the crushing pain seeping into her heart, threatening to engulf her. _Just a few more seconds_, she thought wildly, pushing her locker door open and grabbing the faithful blade.

The tiny brunette was so wrapped up in her despair and rush that she failed to notice the tall silhouette watching her from the end of the hall. Sliding into the nearest bathroom, she didn't even bother to go to a stall. The school was deserted, after all, save for the eleven teenagers and the adult in the auditorium, and it was highly unlikely – downright impossible – for one of them to take the time to come find her. She was safe.

Lifting up her skirt, she looked at her collection of gashes and barely healed scars on her thighs. Once upon a time she would be horrified at the state of her skin, but right now she didn't have the heart or mind to care. Choosing the most healed of her scars, she slid the blade open and sighed in relief when the cool metal touched her skin.

* * *

**J**esse followed Rachel closely, heart breaking as he noted the flashes of pain and hurt in her expressive, thin face. The former male lead of Vocal Adrenaline watched like a hawk as the woman of his dreams picked something from her locker and hurried to the nearest bathroom. After looking around to make sure the halls were empty and he wouldn't have a whole lot of explanation to give, he slid into the bathroom after her.

What he saw…

… Well, it shattered his heart.

Angry red gashes scattered around the silky, creamy skin of her toned thighs, some older than others, but all repeatedly torn open, a sure sign of the abuse Rachel had been repeatedly submitting herself (literally) to. Her delicate, nimble fingers clutched forcefully a thin pink blade, which was slid open and slashing into her soft flesh.

A gasp escaped his lips, echoing loudly at the technically empty room. The sound visibly startled her, and, as she looked up and saw him, she paled, terrified eyes locked with his, frantic hands pulling down her checkered skirt. He took a tentative step towards her, but she shot up and blindly stepped away from him.

"Rachel…" He breathed.

The sound of his voice and the look in his eyes, no matter the damages he had caused her, were like a balm to her heart. The blade fell from her hand, the clacking of it meeting the floor echoing like a rumble in the basically empty bathroom, and her eyes bubbled with tears. He looked – so beautiful. So perfect, so terrifyingly like a memory of the time he was all hers. But there was something in his eyes, something that wasn't there those three months they belonged to each other – a tenderness, a softness that wrecked havoc in her confused feelings.

And here was she, so imperfect, ugly and mediocre. Far from the girl he met in the music store, a distant cry from the young woman who stood in front of her ex-boyfriend and musically told him off before meeting her soulmate and singing their 'Hello'. She was empty, dead inside, a shell. She resorted to repeated slashing her skin raw to make sure she was alive, to protect herself from the deathly pain.

He crossed the space between them and stood in front of her, hand held out to her, eyes begging her to take it. "Let me take you home, baby", he whispered, and she looked curiously up at him, seeing a storm of emotions brewing in his blue-grey eyes. So many feelings in them, so many emotions. But she recognized the one that prevailed over the others. Love.

He _loved _her.

She flinched as her mind distantly flashed the last time they spoke to each other, and those had been the words he had mumbled to her. "I loved you", he had said then. Why were his eyes shining with love now, when he had used the word in the past when they last spoke.

But she was so tired. So damn tired. She didn't want to think, didn't want to feel. If he could keep her from thinking and feeling (the pain she had caused herself wasn't making it this time), then she could gladly hand over to him the control of her life. For now.

She slid her hand in his and he pulled her close, face sinking into her scented her. His arms wrapped themselves around her waist and she stood close to him, breathing in his scent, shivering violently when the warmth of his body seemed to envelop her icy cold one.

"Everything will be fine", he mumbled into her locks.

And she found herself desperately wishing he was right.

But secretly knowing he wasn't.


	9. Eight

**Ellie's Author Note:** Oh my god, It's Super Bowl Sunday! I'm so happy, we made it through the HIATUS! *raves* On another note, I wanna thank you guys again for the reviews and the PMs we've been receiving about our story. Me and Julie heart you guys so much. Julie wrote this chapter, I'm putting that out there, she deserves the praise for this, not me. I'm currently working on the next one with her and we hope to get it out soon. Thanks! *Blows kiss*

**Julie's Author Note: ***singing* _Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor... _Oh, hi! In honor of Glee being back from its hiatus, we give you a new chapter! The tardiness of this chapter is my fault and mine only, so I apologize. This was a particularly difficult chapter for me to write because I don't do angst that well, and it was very painful because every now and then I had to stop and cry. Read carefully, because this chapter and the next? A major turning point in our journey! That being said…

… This was a very, _very _eventful week for us gleeks! Who saw Lea Michele's tweetpic of Jon Groff? I squealed so loud when I saw it! Also, 'Need You Now', the music and the video, became my newest Glee song obsession. I can't wait to see the episode! *cheers*

On a soberer note, I'd like to thank Charlotte for her PM. It helped me a **lot**. I cannot describe how much your insights have been inspiring me and Ellie. You're in our hearts and prayers always.

**Disclaimer: **Nope. Nothing yet. The lyrics are Joe Cocker's _You Are So Beautiful_.

**and I owe it all to you: **_eight_

**T**he ride to the Berry residence was made in a thick, uncomfortable silence that was a mess of emotions. Rachel didn't know what to think of Jesse being back in Lima. Her battered heart was in such a state of emotional confusion that not even her stellar vocabulary at its peak could describe. He wasn't supposed to be there when she was trying to rebuild her protective wall. He wasn't supposed to be _there_, period. He had left her open and exposed, too raw for the world to see. And she didn't have the privilege of having her pain respected by her peers. Her feelings would be a source of mocking, another way of entertainment and self-assurance for her tormentors.

Jesse, on the other hand, had been shaken to his most intimate core by what he had seen, not only in the bathroom (although the vision of Rachel's soft thighs bright red, and her blood slipping slowly from her renewed wound would surely haunt him to his grave), but on the April Rhodes Theatre stage too. _That _was the level of verbal abuse and moral harassment Rachel had been victim to before he came to McKinley and after he defected back to Vocal Adrenaline? No wonder then she was so unsure of herself and so doubtful of her talent. He was torn between offering Rachel comfort and asking her flat out to leave New Directions and join his former choir.

She was the one to break the silence. "You-" Her voice sounded rough, and an embarrassed flush tinged her cheeks red as she cleared her throat awkwardly. "You look good", she whispered, eyes looking briefly at him before looking out of her passenger window. And he did, as much as she hated to admit. His hair was shorter, gentle curls framing stormy blue-grey eyes. His body looked leaner, arms larger, a result, she pondered, of his demanding and grueling class schedule. His jaw was more defined, more of a man, instead of the alluring boy she remembered.

He couldn't help but smile slightly at her very obviously reluctant praise. His eyes traveled up and down her body, noticing the pronounced looseness of her clothing, the visible shrink of her cheeks, how larger her eyes seemed to be in her perceptibly thinner face. Her body, before strong but graceful, was now emaciated and looking slightly sickly.

But she never ceased to be beautiful in his eyes.

"You look stunning", he said truthfully, a smile curving his lips. "I like the bangs", the former VA lead added. The new haircut made her look more sophisticated and grownup, a woman instead of the young girl she really was. "Very adult", he said, nodding in slight approval.

A snort escaped her lips, face contorting in derision. "Please. Stop lying, St. James. I have a mirror and it tells me the truth every morning. I'm not, and I never was, a pretty girl", she said harshly. "And right now I doubt I'm even that talented".

Jesse stared at her, stunned. "Who _are _you?" It escaped his lips before he could contain it, but it felt appropriate. Because this wasn't Rachel, not _his _Rachel, the girl who belted a Barbra classic without previous rehearsal, who worked on perfecting Laurey's dream ballet sequence in 'Oklahoma' just because it was one of her dream roles, who he told her singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' in front of a sold out Broadway crowd was inevitable.

She didn't reply. _I wish I knew_.

**

* * *

S**he seemed exhausted when they arrived at her house. Gallantly, he parked his car on the driveway – her Daddy's Audi and Dad's Corolla missing, which indicated the Berry men still worked long, late hours – and walked around his Rover to open her door, picking her backpack on the process. They walked up the steps to her front door, and she quickly unlocked it, leaving it wide open for him to follow her in.

He did, after carefully peeling his shoes off and staying barefooted. Rachel walked straight to the kitchen, and he heard the sound of the refrigerator being opened, walking to the same room. She handed him a bottle of water, having drunk one of her own, and wordlessly cruised up the stairs to her room. He noticed the bags and shadows under her eyes, and gently put a hand on her forearm. Her skin was fragile under his fingers.

"Have you been sleeping well?" He asked her quietly, examining her face closely.

She shrugged, choosing not to answer his question. "I'll take a shower now, so, if you don't mind-"

It was clear what she was implying, but he refused to leave her alone. Only God knew what Rachel would do with herself until her dads came back home, and he also wanted to catch up with her. "I'll wait up in your bathroom while you shower, if that's okay with you", he replied, and noticed when she realized this wasn't a request. It was a demand. _That's right, baby. I'm staying right here. Deal with it._

Rachel sighed, recognizing the glint of determination in his eyes, and nodded wordlessly, breaking free of his grasp (his warm skin seared her, making her tingle all over and her mind spin with questions she wasn't sure she wanted answered). They quietly made their way up to her bedroom, and he smiled slightly at the unchanged room. It still was very girly, a Broadway shrine. She made a gesture towards the bed, before turning towards the shower room. "Rache…" He asked quietly.

"Yes?"

Jesse took a deep breath and made that leap of faith. "Can I see?" As soon as the words left his mouth he saw her stiffen and turn around slowly to face him, incredulous eyes locking with his own.

"W-what?" She gasped. "N-no!" Shame flared within her at her stammer. _I can't!_ She thought wildly. _He can't see them, I don't know why he is here, but he is, and if he sees he'll be disgusted with me!_

"Please…" He added quietly, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"No, Jess-" Rachel closed her eyes in embarrassment at the nickname she had given him when they were dating slipped past her lips. _Oh, God. Kill me now._ When she felt warm skin on her cheek, she opened her eyes, startled to notice him so close to her.

Jesse didn't care if he came across to her as too desperate. Because he was. He was desperate. Rachel was fading, and he couldn't let that happen. She was his soul mate, his perfect match in every aspect that mattered. He couldn't lose her. The lyrics left his lips without him even thinking them through.

_You are so beautiful, to me_

_Can't you see?_

Tears bubbled in Rachel's eyes. It wasn't fair. She was a sucker for singing (especially his), and Jesse knew about it (he used to tease her about that). Besides, she was too tired to fight him, too tired to kick him out, too tired to do anything that demanded that much strength of her. She was just so tired. Exhausted, even. So, she nodded, surrendering, walking slowly away to her bathroom, Jesse hot in her heels. Once inside, she quickly discarded her clothing, heat flooding her cheeks at his sharp intake of breath.

Rachel's half nude body in front of him broke Jesse's heart. The cuts and lacerations were scattered, from her thighs – obviously her favored spots to cut herself – to her waist. Taking her hand, he twirled her around slowly, eyes drinking the abuse she had been inflicting to herself.

Her eyes were downcast, embarrassment and terror preventing her from looking straight at him. His fingers slid slowly from her fragile wrists – thin red lines shining bright in pale skin –, skimming down her arms – no cuts there, thankfully –, avoiding her small chest and sliding down her flat stomach. She flinched when his fingertips brushed at her thighs, teeth biting down at the pang of pain his touch on the wounds shot through her body.

"Oh, Rache…" He whispered, fingers sliding up to trace the small curve of her cheek. He was so warm… It felt foreign, for her, to feel so much warmth. She felt so cold all the time… A gentle shove, and she looked up, blinking at him. "Go ahead and take your shower. I'll wait out here".

Rachel's shower was relatively quick. While she bathed, he looked around, and was surprised when she came back, cheeks rosy from the hot water, wearing black tights with a dark red sweater dress. Her hair shone under the dim light, and she looked adorable, sleepy and sweet. "I'm exhausted", she mumbled, lying on her back on the mattress. He had previously folded the duvet, knowing she would want to rest after her particularly tiring day.

"Then sleep", he replied simply, lying on his side, his right hand coming to support his cheek.

"You're here", she shot back petulantly, a yawn escaping her, eyes droopy.

"I'll still be here when you wake up, I promise".

"M'kay". She said, eyes closing as her breath evened.

And, as she slipped into dreamland, Jesse's own eyes closed.

And he cried.


	10. Nine

**Ellie's Author Note: **Ellie is not here right now, as she is too busy flailing over the SuperBowl episode of Glee and the release of the 'Silly Love Songs' soundtrack. She's extremely happy with all your reviews, as always and reminds you that Julie is epic, and thanks you for reading and being amazing readers. Please leave your message after the beep *Beep*

**Julie's Author Note: **No, it's not a miracle. Two chapters back to back. This chapter is all Ellie, so let's all give her a big round of applause. She's the sweetest and best co-writer I could ever ask for. Also, thank you **so much **for your kind reviews. They made me cry with relief and joy, because I was so afraid of your reactions to my first time writing angst.

**and I owe it all to you: **_nine_

**A**fter he successfully managed to calm down,Jesse laid next to Rachel's bundled up form as she slept, her breath shallow as she inhaled and exhaled slowly. She was lying on her back, which was very unlike her; she'd always slept on her side when Jesse and she had been dating, wouldn't be comfortable any other way she claimed. Jesse, after much pondering on the abnormality of her current sleeping arrangement, had concluded this was the most comfortable position for her to sleep in nowadays: her wounds would rub together and only cause her pain and discomfort if she slept on her side. He wondered whether she had been sleeping in her usual position, causing the obvious signs that highlighted sleeping problems and the lack of energy that came with it and it had changed today, because he was there, watching her.

He watched her closely, protectively from a couple of inches from her body, lying on his side on top of the duvet that blanketed Rachel. He propped his head up by resting his elbow against her pillows, the other hand resting lightly on top of Rachel's, that stuck out of her blanket cocoon.

She'd been sleeping for the best part of half an hour now, exhausted from the day's events and from the obvious shock of his presence. She hadn't wanted to sleep because of that, but he had insisted, and she hadn't put that much of a fight, meaning she really was exhausted. She stirred slightly in her slumber as Jesse watched over her, like her personal guardian angel. _Maybe that's what I am_, Jesse smiled, bemused at the thought. _Her guardian angel._

He let his finger brush over her hollow cheeks, reassuring himself that she was there. Rachel whimpered in her sleep, a cross between a purr and whine really. Jesse believed it to be the most adorable noise he'd ever clapped ears upon, smiling as he let his fingertips ghost her jaw line as she shifted under the covers, which moved against her clothes in a scuffing sound.

Her eyes fluttered open and she was staring back at him within a second. "It's kind of creepy you know, watching people sleep". She muttered, her voice thick with sleep. Jesse smirked and pushed himself up into a sitting position.

"Call it whatever you want, I just wanted to make sure you were okay". He told her as she pushed back the covers and sat up, swinging her legs slowly over the edge of the bed. Rachel stood feebly, like Bambi taking his first steps and began to stretch her arms towards the ceiling, whining satisfactorily at the sensation that ran down her spine a second later as her muscles unwound from their slumber. Jesse watched, instantly disheartened by the sight of the harsh, red lines along her inner wrist, wounds that had appeared when the sleeves of Rachel's shirt fell down slightly as she extended her arms towards the ceiling.

She clocked onto immediately to his obvious expression of pain at the evidence of her mental instability of previous months, tugging down at the sleeves once they fell back to her side, covering the scars from Jesse, as if they were still a secret, as if he hadn't examined her entire abused and wounded body a little more than an hour ago with more gentle and loving care that she'd ever received in the months he'd been missing from her life, more than she'd received from Finn or her fathers.

"Did you sleep well?" Jesse inquired curiously, in a desperate attempt to create a less tense atmosphere.

"You tell me". Rachel quipped in response. A hint of a smile played at both Jesse and Rachel's lips as she pulled a hairbrush through her already smooth locks. After a moment of silence, she spoke again. "You never did explain why you were here". She queried nonchalantly, seeming uncaring about why Jesse St James was in Lima – scratch that, lying on her bed after watching her sleep for half an hour. She turned to face the boy in question, who was leaning back against her headboard, his eyes boring into hers, the blue in them filled with concern. He shrugged a shoulder.

"We get the Christmas break off". He replied.

"No", she growled, shaking her head, her silky hair moving gently against her cheeks. "I meant, here, in _my_ house, near _me_ in general". She moved closer to the bed, and Jesse's lips opened soundlessly in an 'O', before elaborating on his brief answer.

"I saw you at Sectionals", he admitted quite reluctantly. Rachel's eyebrow arched at this admission, as an instant reaction to his words. A second later, his words sunk in.

He'd been there, watch her share her spotlight with those significantly less talented members of New Directions, whilst her broken heart throbbed painfully in her chest, cracking a little more every beat that passed in that god awful pop singer, sung by a crack whore (Rachel had found this an interesting and horridly ironic song choice for the Latina who'd taken lead, days after admitting her hand in Finn's virginity).

The blood drained from Rachel's face and he could see her walls rapidly building themselves back up. Jesse stood slowly and moved around her bed to approach her still form. He stroked her cheek reassuringly, as if he knew what it felt like to watch someone lesser than you receive a standing ovation that you deserved. Rachel fought the urge to snort in amusement at the very thought of Jesse St James sharing his spotlight. _That never happened to him_, she thought.

**Are you sure? **A tiny voice echoed inside her mind. **What about 'Run Joey Run' then? **She bit her lower lip and shoved the voice aside, choosing to focus on the matter at hand.

"It still doesn't explain why you're _here_". Her hollow voice interjected.

"I knew something was wrong when I saw you, I just couldn't…" He trailed off, shame coloring his voice. "So I asked Puck to keep an eye on you". He continued. Rachel's eyebrow cocked at this, Noah had been keeping an eye on her? She flicked through her most recent memories of her family friend and, surprisingly, what Jesse was saying seemed to fit in with the images that danced through her head.

"Santana was there when I called him, so she agreed to help too". He added.

"_Santana_?" She choked on the word as it slipped from her lips, as if it were poison in her mouth. She thought of the girl who singlehandedly had destroyed her relationship with Finn, the bitch who had teased her mercilessly for years now, the slut who had slept her way through most of McKinley and probably adding some of the Warblers to the notches of her bed post as they spoke. But she also thought of the girl who had argued Mr. Schuester's judgment on his chosen soloist for a song that Rachel had been born to sing, who had screamed at New Directions as Rachel had fled from rehearsal that day and suddenly her eyes were open to another side of the Latina.

"Did they ever figure it out?" She asked suddenly, desperate to keep her shameful secret under wraps. She couldn't start to imagine what Mercedes and Quinn would do to her if they knew. The mere thought of the barbs they could shoot at her because of her weakness made her shiver in panic.

"Yes. They told me, but I didn't want to believe them". Jesse admitted, taking her hand in his as the other cupped her jaw. "I didn't want to believe that you were so hurt that you had to run to that. I couldn't imagine it. I don't ever want to see you hurt, Rach". He whispered. Rachel's eyes watered at his confession, sniffling before asking her next question in her half-heartedly interrogation.

"Why were you at Sectionals?" She muttered.

"Apart from honoring the anniversary of the first day I laid eyes on you? Coach Goolsby wanted me to check you guys out as a favor". He explained softly. "Plus he'd made an offer I had yet to act upon".

"What offer?" She inquired curiously.

"He offered me the position of an Assistant coach for Vocal Adrenaline", Jesse told her.

"And did you take it?" Rachel asked, hoping he had said no; she didn't know why the thought of Jesse helping her competition once more made her blood run cold.

"I did. I transferred to OSU and took the position". Jesse explained. Rachel nodded curtly, her heart free falling into her stomach in disappointment.

"Oh. Well, I'm happy for you". She lied smoothly, moving to perch on the side of her bed. Jesse followed her there and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. In an automatic response, like a reflex in her soul, her head rested against his shoulder as his fingers stroked her hair soothingly.

"I did it to be closer to you", he whispered softly after a couple minutes of silence. Rachel pulled away to stare at Jesse, shocked with this admission. Why would anyone throw away a free ride to a top University to be near a girl they weren't sure wanted to see them?

"Coach Goolsby wanted me to also to extend an offer to you", Jesse continued, more careful now as he said the (second) thing he wanted the most to happen. Rachel's brow furrowed at this, confused with what the new coach would want with her. She thought of her experience with the old coach (aka her _mother_)and shivered delicately at the haunting memories that plagued her to this day.

"An offer?" She asked, openly curious now.

"He wants to offer to you the position of lead in Vocal Adrenaline". Jesse stated bluntly. Rachel's mouth fell open at this.

"Lead?" She repeated, shocked, and Jesse nodded. "What about Sunshine?" The brunette asked softly.

Jesse snorted. "The Filipina? Please, Rach. Goolsby wants the best there is to Vocal Adrenaline. And sure she has the pipes, but yours are better. Plus, she doesn't have the looks – no way she's prettier than you are – and she doesn't have the star quality the Vocal Adrenaline needs".

She seemed to ponder his words and then nodded slowly. "Okay… But why would he want _me_?" She asked quietly.

"Why wouldn't he? You're the best there is in show choir world right now and he knows it", Jesse said honestly. Rachel smiled. "Rachel, you're miserable at McKinley, I can see it – I _saw_ it. It broke my heart to see how they're treating you on that stage. I want you to have the best opportunities, for you to let yourself shine like you're meant to, to be the star that you are and be respected like you should be. McKinley isn't giving you that; it never gave and never will. However, I can assure you you'll get that and much more at Carmel and in Vocal Adrenaline". He explained softly, his words full of love.

Rachel had to admit he painted an interesting picture, one that she'd been hoping against hope that would happen since her freshman year, one that had always been out of her reach due to McKinley's brutal hierarchy and the social pyramid that seemed to govern their lives.

"I couldn't do it". She whispered.

"_What_?" Jesse asked, disbelieving of Rachel's words.

"Look at me, Jesse. Do I seem like someone who could rule a powerhouse like Vocal Adrenaline?" The question was rhetorical and stung Jesse. Rachel shrugged.

"Rachel, you _can_ rule Vocal Adrenaline", he told her. "McKinley and New Directions have made you think you can't be all you can be though. But I believe you can do it and, deep down, so do you. You need to believe in yourself again, Rach". He begged the brunette softly.

Rachel kept her eyes low as she worked through the news in her head. Why would someone pick her to be the lead of the group that had annihilated her club the year before? Surely she was just a loser to them and their new coach, not to mention her ties and the bad blood between her, that group and their former coach. The hairs on Rachel's arms stood on ends thinking of those memories, the ones that had shattered her heart into tiny pieces for them to be temporarily glued back together by Finn, to be broken once more a couple months later, leaving her to self destruct and find pleasure in pain.

She had to find out what made her so special to this coach, she needed to have reassurance that she was good enough for Vocal Adrenaline, that this wasn't another elaborated scheme to devastate her. She turned to Jesse, who had been waiting for her reply patiently.

"Jesse, can you take me to see this coach?"

The former male lead grinned. It was a small step, but it was a step. If she wanted to hear Goolsby, then surely she would see the truth in his words. _Thank God._


	11. Ten

**Ellie's Author Note: **Hey guys, so everyone enjoy Silly Love Songs? I did. Once again, I thank you guys for your amazing reviews that make me all the more spurred to write. Me and Julie suffered writer's block this week, but we powered through (And with the release of the _Comeback_ soundtrack, that helped too.). So thank you guys, so so so so so much, there aren't words to describe how amazing you are. There are also no words to describe how awesome and epically talented Julie is, I know I say that all the time, but only because it's true. Thanks so much for reading.

**Julie's Author Note: **And the turning point is over. Just read. My awesome cowriter and BFF wrote half, so a round of applause for Miss Ellie! And don't forget to check my new oneshot 'this diva needs her stage', and Ellie's uber awesome stories!

**Disclaimer: ***insert lament about how Glee isn't mine and never will be here*

**and I owe it all to you: **_ten_

**D**ustin Goolsby couldn't say he wasn't anxious to hear from St. James concerning the Rachel Berry situation. Regionals were getting closer by the minute and, while she was definitely talented, Sunshine Corazon was absolutely no leading lady material. The older man had just dismissed his pupils and was sitting in the dark when his sensitive hearing picked the door creaking open, bathing the half-darkened room with dull yellow light.

"Coach Goolsby?" Jesse called into the cool auditorium, checking to see if Vocal Adrenaline had vacated the premises. Thankfully, the team wasn't there; better they were kept in the dark until a decision was made or so Goolsby had told Jesse, who could understand where he was coming from. No need to warn off the members of VA until Rachel Berry's ruling was set in stone.

The former lead began walking into the room, a meek Rachel gingerly following him as he pushed the door further open, her arms wrapped around herself out of lack of warmth and confidence in her body. She brushed a lock of her hair from her face as a middle aged man entered from a side door off the auditorium, most probably his office. He recognized Jesse, a smile spread across the older man's face and he began to approach the pair.

"St James" He greeted, shaking Jesse's extended hand firmly.

"Sir, I'd like you to meet Rachel Berry", Jesse replied, placing his fingertips softly and reassuringly on her shoulder to usher her forward, nudging her ever so slightly.

Goolsby and Rachel locked eyes for a second; hers resembling that of a rabbit in the headlights, scared and timid. Everything she normally wasn't. Jesse gave her a warm smile and a nod. _It's okay, baby, don't be scared_, his eyes told her as Rachel took in the smile, her lips twitching up in an identical smirk for a split second, slowly edging her way closer to the coach. The man in question hadn't let the small exchange between the couple go unnoticed under his razor sharp vision, an eyebrow popping up at the way Jesse seemed to gravitate around the brunette, moving with her as she did, and the way she seemed to unconsciously rely on him.

Having filed away that bit of information about the dynamics of this couple for later analysis, the coach took in the small girl. She was petite and thin, but her movements were graceful, fluid, clearly the results of her being exposed to a demanding dance training since early age. With very expressive eyes, Rachel nodded a greeting toward the coach, who smiled, extending his hand to the girl.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Rachel. I've heard an awful lot about you such as that you're extremely talented", he told Rachel as she took the hand he offered and shook it. Her lips twitched in a small yet brightening smile at his comment. The coach wondered: if a tiny smile could brighten up the room considerably, what could her show face do? He honestly couldn't wait to see it.

Rachel nodded graciously at the stranger's praise of her, making her feel the tiniest bit warmer inside. Jesse watched her with a reassuring smile; he knew at that moment that he was definitely doing the right thing by bringing her here.

"Thank you, sir", she replied, attempting to sound modest and not to let that 'I know that I'm talented, thanks for reminding me' tone slip in her words. The glimmer of satisfaction that shone in the man's eyes made her smile and feel more assured. (Her voice was rich, velvet soft). "Jesse told me about your kind offer". She explained.

"Is that so?" The coach's eyes jumped to meet his hairline in an indication of his interest, glancing at Jesse for a second. "And?" He asked carefully.

"I wanted to thank you. It meant a lot that you showed an interest in me, even though you have a very talented club". She muttered softly. The man shrugged nonchalantly.

"No need, Rachel. Remember I've seen inside that school and dealt with some of its faculty members". His face darkened as he remembered his brief conversation with Miss Sylvester, but softened as he focused once again at the overlooked young star in front of him. "As a teacher at the best arts-focused school in the state, I can assure William McKinley High does not have an environment for stars in training to be nurtured to the level that talent deserves. And, most definitely, New Directions is not worthy of someone as talented as you". He explained. "I don't think you're unaware that it was you who singlehandedly won your current show choir last year's Sectionals, and that it would be a back-to-back victory this year for New Directions if _you _were singing the solos".

Rachel was surprised by this. She had honestly expected him to say it was about adding some more talent to the already overly talented Vocal Adrenaline, that he needed her voice and nothing else mattered for him but that. It hadn't been the case however. Coach Goolsby had stood before her and admitted that he wanted what was best for her, not his team. He appreciated her _talent_ and not only what it could do for him.

"Correct me if I'm mistaken, but don't you already have a lead?" Rachel asked curiously. "I do believe that I scared her straight into your lap". She nearly smirked at the memory, but halted it. Jesse pulled a confused face at Rachel's statement, unaware of what part Rachel had played in Sunshine's joining Vocal Adrenaline.

"Yes, I do, and yes, you did. But you seem to forget – or you honestly don't know – you gave us a lead who has the voice but lacks the star appeal. And you know more than anyone that, to make to the top, voice only doesn't cut it". Coach Goolsby explained with a knowing smirk, making Jesse all the more curious.

"Well, I apologize for that", she muttered, not a hint of irony or sarcasm in her voice.

"Nothing to apologize for, it only highlighted your talent more. You have nothing to worry concerning her, Rachel. She has nothing when compared to you". He paused for a moment, then added, "Well, at least when talent is the object of comparison. Unfortunately I can't say that's what matters for your current coach. If it were, you'd be the one belting out '(I've Had) The Time of My Life' and 'Valerie' a few weeks ago".

She nodded in concordance. "Like I said, sir, thank you for the offer, but I will need some more time to think it through, as I'm sure you understand", Rachel seemed to want to change the subject suddenly. Jesse raised an eyebrow at her sudden change in topic and watched as the Coach nodded in agreement.

"It's a big decision, take all the time you need. Whenever you decide, the spot is yours for the taking", he informed her.

"Thank you. Nice to meet you, Coach Gooslby", They shook hands once more, before Rachel began to leave, followed by Jesse only a couple steps behind. The two men shared a look between each other as the door swung shut on the coach, who sighed deeply in thought.

Unknown to all three members of the conversation in the auditorium, another pair of eyes watched from the balcony overhead, shocked at what she heard.

* * *

"**T**hank you". Rachel whispered to Jesse as she wrapped her arms around his waist in a hug, her cheek pressed against his shirt as she inhaled and exhaled slowly.

"No problem", he whispered, curling his arms around her shoulders, returning the embrace lovingly, pecking the top of Rachel's head. He inhaled slowly, breathing in her perfume that smelt like summer fruit, not the conventional scent of flowers that the girls of Vocal Adrenaline had seemed fixed on choking him on. She fitted perfectly into his arms, and he simply melted into her to fit her small frame. They stayed like that for a few minutes before he led to his car.

* * *

**I**n the months following her joining Vocal Adrenaline, Sunshine Corazon had grown used to two things. One of them was to be constantly criticized by her coach and fellow teammates, who apparently were never satisfied with her delivery of the musical numbers they were rehearsing obsessively for regionals. The other was to sit in the dark after rehearsals, trying to catch her breath and recover from aching muscles and sore throat. Giselle, Andrea and the other girls made it seem so easy…

The time sitting in the dark was her moment to reflect whether her choice to leave New Directions after being faced with Rachel Berry's ruthless ways had been the right one. She was halfway through remembering how much fun the New Directions members seemed to be having when they performed 'Empire State of Mind' when the door opened and in came the one whose shadow hung over her head like a sword.

Jesse St. James.

Sunshine had grown used to hearing the older members of Vocal Adrenaline grumbling about how Regionals would be a walk in the park for New Directions this year now that the St. James era was over. Curiosity forced her to google 'Vocal Adrenaline St. James', and the first link that popped up was a Youtube one to a rendition of 'Highway to Hell'. She clicked on it, waited for it to load…

… And was blown away by the power of her predecessor's voice.

Related to it was a video of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart', and she blinked in surprise as she recognized Rachel Berry's voice meshing together with St. James. Interest piqued, she made a few questions here and there and found out that, for a few weeks the previous term, Jesse quit Vocal Adrenaline and left Vocal Adrenaline, all out of love for one Rachel Berry. A few calls to the few friends she managed to do while in McKinley, and she uncovered that the St. Berry love story was broken up after St. James egged Rachel and left her brokenhearted for a week until she picked up her pieces and fought back. For all they knew, Berry hated St. James and wanted him to rot in hell.

So imagine her surprise when her rival appeared behind her former beau. That feeling of shock added when she noticed how they seemed to always be in constant contact with other, gravitating towards each other like an invisible force field pulled them together. The shock grew and mixed with hurt and anger when she was mentioned and Goolsby told Rachel she lacked _star potential_. How dare he? She was as good as Rachel or maybe even better! Seething with anger and wanting to get revenge on the girl who betrayed her trust, she sunk back into the dark and snuck out of the auditorium as quietly as possible. Once out in the parking lot, the exchange student picked up her cell and quickly made a call.

"Jacob Ben-Israel? It's Sunshine Corazon. I have something very interesting to tell you. It's about Rachel Berry".

* * *

**E**ver since she managed to float back to the top of high school hierarchy, Quinn Fabray made a point of checking into Jacob Ben-Israel's blog every night before going to bed after praying and having dinner with her mother. She remembered how that lowlife had blown her secret out of the water last year, and she wanted to make sure this year his so-called gossip haven remained clean of any rumors that could threaten her position as HBIC.

Thankfully, just like every other night, his first page was clear of any nasty gossip concerning her. No cheating scandal, no baby daddy drama, no hidden pregnancy (she ignored the best she could the pang of pain when she thought of the beautiful little girl who was now seven months going on eight).

No… Tonight's breaking news had nothing to do with her… And everything to do with RuPaul (like every other little thing in that blog). Quinn's eyes widened as she drank that piece of information.

**Rachel Berry Leaving New Directions! And is Finchel off, St. Berry on?**

_It seems New Directions will soon be a member shorter._

_A source who asked to remain unidentified sought this who writes to say Rachel Berry, Jew Princess and WMHS' reigning gleek queen, was seen earlier this evening in a meeting with Dustin Goolsby, coach of Vocal Adrenaline, where she heard quite an interesting proposition to leave New Directions behind and join VA, replacing its current female lead, Sunshine Corazon, who once was a member of WMHS' student body._

_And that's not all! It seems that during that meeting, the future Mrs. Ben-Israel was looking quite close with her former flame, Jesse St. James. Rachel and St. James (most commonly known as St. Jerk) had a brief fling last term and a nasty breakup. However, no bitter feelings seemed to linger between the ex-lovers, who looked 'very close and affectionate towards each other', says my source._

_Let's not forget that, last May, St. James led Vocal Adrenaline to a devastating victory over New Directions during Ohio Show Choir Regionals (ND came home in last place). Is Rachel Berry defecting her team, fresh off a tied win in Sectionals (with Dalton Academy's Warblers), in order to join their sworn enemy? And has Finchel called it quits? Stay tuned…_


	12. Eleven

**Ellie's Note: **Hey guys, sorry the new chapter took so long. I was stuck on a part at the start with writer's block. I've been reading your reviews and such, they're amazing as usual. Please give it up for Julie for being magnificent as usual. Thank you so much for being amazing and I would like to remind you that you're beautiful and original and don't let anyone tell you anything different. Ever. I mean it. And you can always PM me with any problems and I'll always be there for you.

**Julie's Note: **Isn't Ellie a sweetie? Sorry for our absence but my _Fatherhood_ muse kicked in earlier this week (thankfully) and I also have classes, gym and a boyfriend. Hope you guys like the chapter!

**and I owe it all to you: **_eleven_

**W**ith her beautiful, pristine white face still softly lit by the light coming from her computer screen, Quinn's eyes looked without seeing as her brain dealt with what she had just read. Berry in Carmel? What the fuck (God forgive her for the language) was Berry doing in Carmel? Jewfro's blog was full of crap most of the time, but one thing he always got right was everything that had to do with Berry's life.

A fire shone inside Quinn's eyes as she picked up her cell phone and began typing away. _I should've known she'd do something to get back at us for not having her precious solos during Sectionals!_ The blonde seethed in anger, hands shaking as she quickly composed a mass text to the other eleven members of her team.

**Glee-mergency! Meeting at my place in ten! No questions, just come! Q. PS: DO NOT warn RuPaul!**

With a satisfied nod, she then quickly sent it over to Mercedes, Mike, Tina, Puck, Santana, Lauren, Finn, Sam, Brittany and Artie. As soon as her phone chirped with the sent text, it began chirping with the replies of her teammates, some asking the reasoning behind excluding Rachel, but all of them saying they would be at her house right away.

As she waited for them to come, she printed ten copies of the news from Jewfro's blog, one for each of the gleeks. Quinn smirked as she tried to imagine their reactions. Puck, she considered, would be the only one who would try and _talk_ to ManHands about what the hell she was doing with St. James. The rest of them, she knew, would feel betrayed and kick her out.

Mercedes was the first to arrive, followed closely by Tina and Mike, then Brittany. Sam came next, and Artie immediately after him. Lauren grumbled and glared at her as she walked in her house. Finn, the poor kid, smiled nervously at her mother as Judy came out to check what that commotion on her living room was about. Puck and Santana were the last ones to arrive, and they kept to themselves as they leant side by side on the further wall, while the others spread around the room.

"I call this meeting to order", Quinn said loudly, above the voices. "This emergency meeting is to discuss a matter of extreme importance to Glee club", she added as the others settled, curious eyes (except for Puck's and Santana's) watching her as she rose from her seat and began giving away the printed news. As they began reading, she sat back down and waited for the reactions.

Surprisingly, Puck wasn't the first one to recover. "What the hell is Rachel doing with that bastard?" Finn yelled, eyes narrowed in anger. "He egged her, I can't believe she forgot that!"

"Who cares about what she's doing, I can't believe diva went to Carmel! I bet she ratted us out to the coach, isn't her mama dearest coach to VA?" Mercedes rang agitated, and Quinn firmly ignored the clench of her heart at the fleeting thought of a beautiful baby girl being raised by an older version of Rachel on the next district.

"No", Puck said quietly, and the simple word silenced the loud mutterings in the room. "Her mother quit last year after regionals", he added quietly. "Besides, you guys are fucking stupid? Jewfro's fucking nuts. Half the shit he writes at his waste of cyber space is crap. Why should we buy this?"

"Yeah, and why would St. Jerk be in Ohio? He was a senior last year. I bet he's rolling around in pussy as we speak and you guys are going crazy over some lie a dweeb wrote in his stupid little diary", Santana added.

"Jacob may come up with lies most of the time, but he isn't always wrong", Artie replied quietly to the couple, looking pointedly at Quinn's now flat stomach. He slid his glassed back to their usual place and, with a fleeting glance to the paper on his lap, he seemed to ponder for a minute. "I say we go over to Rachel's tomorrow and give her the chance to defend herself".

The others nodded and muttered their agreement (except for Puck, Santana, Lauren – who looked bored –, Sam and Brittany – who looked lost and confused). Quinn sighed in annoyance. "She'll say Jacob's lying", she interjected with an eye-roll.

"Berry's a good actress but not that good. And especially when you know what you're looking for", Puck said, and Santana glanced surprised at him before rolling her eyes.

"Okay, so we confront her. And what will we do if this", Quinn shook the paper in her hand to make her point, "proves to be true?"

"We give her an ultimatum", Finn spoke decisively.

"Yeah, because that worked so _well _last time, Finnbecile", Santana replied.

"We kick her out", Mercedes stated firmly. "We kick her out and that's it. No way this year will be a mess when it comes to regionals like it was last year".

"You guys are fucking morons", Puck said as he shoved away from the wall. "St. Jerk was a jackass to Berry but never to any of us. He didn't fucking leak our stupid setlist and left us to come up with a new one on the day of the competition or quit after learning he was fucking stupid. See you pussies later. C'mon, babe", he wrapped an arm around Santana's waist and hauled her away.

Once safely away from the Fabray household, Puck sighed annoyed and ran a hand against his shaven head. "Fuck", he muttered. "Q is a fucking bitch. What the fuck is she thinking?"

"She's not", Santana replied coldly. "She's out for Berry's blood. We have to find out who ratted Rachel out to Jewfro. But, before, we have to tell Berry and St. James of what they're planning to do. A huge blowout with those self-righteous pricks won't do Rachel any good in her state of mind", the Latina said seriously, and Puck nodded. Plucking his phone out of his pocket, he scrolled down his contacts and pressed the green button once he found St. James' number.

**

* * *

C**ompletely unaware to the storm brewing in the McKinley High School Glee Club, Rachel and Jesse sat next to each other in a secluded booth in Breadstix. Jesse had insisted that Rachel eat something after the long day and took her to the restaurant. Rachel fiddled with her utensils nervously as Jesse watched her from over the top of his menu. She looked sad for some reason, not upset or miserable, that content sadness that meant something was seriously playing on your mind, when you're completely comfortable with feeling like crap. Rachel's eyes shone with dampness, like she was wasting all her energy on not letting the floodgates open, letting people see her as weak.

Rachel was not the kind of person that would make a spectacle of weakness, and neither was Jesse. To people like them, letting anyone see you as weak or anything like than invincible was worse than anything in the world. It could cost you your career, if you're really unlucky, or your solo, your reputation, anything. If they ever felt weak, then they would deal with it behind closed doors, away from anyone and anything that reminded them of reality. So, as Jesse watched the tears glisten in Rachel's eyes as she played with a loose strand of her hair, staring into space, he didn't see her as weak, and he didn't see her as damaged. He saw her as exquisite.

Rachel flinched when Jesse reached over and took her hand, which had been lying across the table casually, softly in both his. Their hands slotted together so naturally, it was as if they were two parts of a jigsaw. Jesse rubbed circles soothingly into the back of Rachel's hand with the pad of his thumb, just as he had when they'd been together, feeling her soft, milky white skin under his once again. She kept her eyes down as this happened, pretending to study the napkin in her lap.

"What are you thinking?" He asked softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. Her lips twitched into a half smile once more, a sight that was pretty common in this Rachel and she began to speak.

"About the offer", she replied in a hushed whisper, still avoiding looking him in the eyes. "McKinley's my home", she added after a few seconds silence between them. "I can't just walk away from that place like it didn't ever matter to me", she added softly. "Because it did".

Jesse sucked his teeth in thought as Rachel spoke. "I know how you feel", he said a few seconds later. She looked up in shock at his statement, furrowing her brow in confusion. "When I decided to transfer from Carmel, I was leaving the High School where I was top of the pyramid. A glee club I helped grow and develop and led to three consecutive victories in Nationals and powerful connections", Jesse told her softly, stroking the side of her face as he did. She looked at him incredulously as if to say 'And this is meant to make me feel better how?'

Jesse chuckled gently and tucked a coupleof tresses of dark hair behind Rachel's ear before continuing. "But, when I decided to transfer, I didn't see what I was leaving behind. I focused on what I was gaining. You". He whispered. Rachel smiled. "The gain far outweighedthe losses, in the situation. You have to decide in which school you'll bebetter off in. Focus on what you'll gain by transferring, not on what you will lose", he explained to a thoughtful looking Rachel as she fiddled with her hair.

"It's completely your choice; take as much time as you need", he continued. "Goolsby said the spot'll always be open to you and I think he spoke the truth. And one thing you can trust him, is that he doesn't change his mind and he has no hidden agenda. It's not some big scheme that will end up hurting you. He's a good teacher and he wants what's best for every pupil. And he already sees you as his pupil. He knows Vocal Adrenaline is best to you. And, deep down, I know you know that too. But, no matter what you choose, I'll be there behind you every step of the way. You're not alone, Rachel. Never will be again".

Their eyes met once more as Rachel peered up at him in surprise at what he was telling her. "What? There's no getting rid of me now". Jesse added with a smirk, knitting his fingers with hers tightly.

"I wouldn't want to", she told him warmly. They kept their gazes attached for as long as possible, Jesse breathed a smile at the hope in Rachel's chocolate brown eyes, his smile getting wider by the second as the couple stared at each other.

Jesse's phone buzzed in his pocket, the moment between them broken by the irritating buzz. He whipped the device out his pocket, sighing angrily as he checked the caller ID and brought it to his ear. "What, Puckerman?" He bit out, and Rachel raised an eyebrow at his tone, smirking.

Jesse caught the smirk and rolled his eyes at her as Puck's voice filled his ear. However, what he heard made his blood freeze. His smile faltered and he barely murmured out a reply before hanging out.

"What is it?" Rachel inquired, her voice colored with worry.

"They know", he replied simply, knowing she would understand what he meant.

She caught on at once, her face a picture of panic. "They do? But how?" The brunette asked, frantic. Jesse slipped out the booth, pulling Rachel with him. Throwing down some money onto the table, he began to lead Rachel out.

"I don't know, but Quinn put a meeting together with all the gleeks. Puck was there and so was Lopez. As soon as they left, he called. He wanted to give us fair warning so you wouldn't be surprised".

"What are we gonna do?" She asked numbly.

"I don't know, Rachel, I really don't".


	13. Twelve

**Ellie's Author Note: **Okay, I'm super excited for this chapter because it contains a scene that I've had in my mind since like, the second chapter. The song used in this chapter has a lot of personal meaning to me. I was in a really bad place one day and I was walking home from school, everything seemed to be wrong. And this song came on the radio, and it made me feel so much better. So it means a lot to me that Julie let me put this into the story. So thank her and I just wanted to say I love you Julie!

**Julie's Author Note: **Hey guys, so sorry for the delay. But real life kicked in (Carnaval was in the beginning of March and here in Brazil we say the New Year only truly starts after it) and both Ellie and I have been so busy. Most part of this chapter came from Ellie's crazy creative brain so everything you love in it, it's all thanks to her. I love her so much and I'm so proud of our little collaboration. Don't forget to review, okay? We love your feedback.

**Disclaimer: **Nope. Not ours. The song is Pink's _Fucking Perfect_. Bold: Santana; Italic: Puck; Bold Italic: Jesse; Underlined: Santana, Puck, Jesse.

**and I owe it all to you: **_twelve_

**T**he young pair sat in silence in Jesse's car while going over their choices in their minds. With Vocal Adrenaline's offer to Rachel being out in the open, many things were uncertain, but one thing was not: New Directions would be out for Rachel's blood, and both she and Jesse knew that. But they were both concerned about different perspectives.

Rachel kept going over, in her mind, what her teammates would yell at her. She knew Mercedes and Quinn would take the lead and call her the most hurtful insults they could come up with (and she knew they would be very creative – Rachel often wondered why the two girls didn't put all that imagination into new numbers for glee). Brittany, Tina and Artie would stand in the sidelines, not being active in the namecalling but not doing anything to stop it. Finn, the egoistical brat, would think she was doing all that to hurt _him_. Sam would watch, lost and confused, the poor thing.

Jesse, meanwhile, was busy trying to imagine the devastating consequences the ensuing confrontation with the New Directions members would have on Rachel's fragile psyche. Because he knew with no doubt in his mind that there would be a confrontation, accusations would be hurled at Rachel and hurtful words sent her way. And, honest to God, Jesse was terrified. The brunette was still teetering on the brink of the abysm, definitely not in the right state of mind to face the unstoppable power of nature that was New Directions when angered.

A light bulb then went off over Jesse's head. He couldn't protect Rachel while in McKinley, but he **could **protect her for the weekend. He turned to her with a smile. "I know what we're going to do. Better yet, where we're going to go to avoid what is sure to take place once you meet up with your team mates". He gave her his phone as he drove through the well-known path towards Rachel's house. "Call Puck and Santana and ask them to pack a bag. We're all spending the weekend at Chez St. James", he explained, chuckling lowly at the utter confusion in Rachel's face.

"Noah and… Santana?" She repeated, dumbfounded. "Santana Lopez?"

"Yes, babe, call Puck and tell him to call her and pack a bag".

"O-kay…" Rachel mumbled, hating to be in the dark but knowing Jesse would explain everything later. She quickly dialed Noah's number, fingers drumming anxiously against the window glass. "Noah? Hey, it's Rachel. Listen, Jesse told me to tell you to pack a bag- I don't know- Noah, he's driving! Okay, okay, I'll put you in speaker, hold on…"

"St. James, what's the plan?" Puck's voice came from the speakers, slightly distorted from the phone, while Rachel watched, completely shocked at this new turn. Jesse and **Noah **speaking like allies? But since when? Last she knew, Noah wanted to **kill **Jesse for her egging!

"Puckerman", Jesse said as he made the turn into Rachel's street. "Listen, you, me, Santana and Rachel are all going to spend the weekend at my house. Pack a bag, call Lopez and tell her to pack one too. Rachel and I'll be over in a bit, it's just the time for her to pick up some clothes and we'll be there".

"Okay. We'll be ready. We're picking up San at her place too, right?"

"Sure".

"Cool". Puck's voice is firm. "Rach, baby, can you put the phone back to normal? I want to talk to you".

"Sure…" She pressed a button on the phone and placed the gadget against her ear. "Noah?"

"Babe, listen, I want you to turn off your phone, okay? San and I will do the same once we're with you and St. James. It's the best for you". His voice was gentle and sweet, Noah talking to her instead of Puck. Tears pooled inside her eyelids as she nodded, and she wiped them quickly, hoping he wouldn't notice the thickness of her voice.

"Okay. I'll do it right now".

"Great, babe. You'll be fine, okay? We have your back".

"Thank you", she whispered.

**

* * *

T**he St. James manor was a beautiful mansion sitting in the middle of the most gorgeous garden Rachel had ever seen. It was the first time she set foot on the house Jesse had grown up in, and he smiled as he noticed the fascination in Rachel's eyes, the way she drank everything in, her face the poster model of childish fascination. The drive from Santana's posh house in Lima Heights to Akron was made in a cozy silence. Rachel had been tense, undoubtedly waiting for the biting retort that she was used to Santana throwing at her. But the Latina spent the entire ride as quiet as Rachel, apparently lost in thoughts, and slowly the soft and meaningless conversation between Jesse and Noah relaxed Rachel.

"It's beautiful, Jesse", Rachel said as she walked into the living room, eyes wide at the posh residence. He smiled and nodded once in acknowledgement of her words, taking her hand into his as he went to the marble stairs that led to the first floor of the house, where the bedrooms were. Puck and Santana followed, standing close to each other and exchanging a meaningful glance as they noticed the way Rachel entwined her fingers with Jesse's.

The bedroom they walked in was huge. All decorated in black with chromed silver details, it had a king-sized bed covered with black silk sheets and a deep gray duvet. Two black armchairs were in front of the bed, undoubtedly seats to a desk in rich deep mahogany, and a soft light gray carpet tickled their feet, making Rachel giggle as her toes curled around the carpet. Behind the bed headpiece, black wallpaper covered the wall, but the others one were white, moonlight bathing the room as it filtered through the wide glass door that led to a balcony, straight across the door they had just walked through.

"Nice bedroom, St. James", Puck said as he plopped down on the carpet, his back resting against one of the armchairs. Santana, who had gone to peek at the view from the balcony, left the glass door open as she came back into the room and sat gracefully down next to Puck.

"Of course, it had to be black", she teased, crossing her legs Indian style and smirking as Jesse rolled his eyes.

"Thanks, Puck. Black is neutral, Lopez", the former Vocal Adrenaline lead took a seat against the bed, in front of the Mohawked boy, pulling Rachel to sit next to him.

"Black is the absence of color", the New Directions lead replied quietly, and Santana chuckled.

"Touché", the Latina said, and Puck guffawed as he picked his guitar, strumming it lazily. Santana, with a quick glance at Rachel, leaned towards him and whispered something in his ear. He nodded in response and began playing a song, the beat cutting through the nightly air and wrapping itself around the four teens.

**Made a wrong turn, once or twice**

**Dug my way out, blood and fire**

Santana's voice broke through the peaceful night as Puck strummed his guitar softly. Her eyes were trained on Rachel as she sung, they were filled with tears. Her eyes were glassy and seemed bigger with the emotions threatening to spill. Rachel found this the slightest bit strange; she had no reason to cry, right? She was the HBIC on the school, after all. Puck threw the Latina a affectionate smile of understanding as she knotted her own fingers, keeping her eyes down.

**Bad decisions – that's alright**

**Welcome to my silly life**

Her voice broke slightly on the first word of the next two lines, a tear silently slipped fluidly down her flawless cheeks as she seemed to get smaller somehow. Santana Lopez, exposed to the world as she sung her heart out, flashed her eyes over at Puck, who once again built her courage to continue with one smile and his eyes, they spoke oceans.

**Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood**

**Miss "no way, it's all good"**

**It didn't slow me down**

Santana let out a bitter laugh at the end of the second line of the next part, thinking over the times she'd pretended everything was okay. She glanced over at Rachel, who was watching her intensely, with whole new eyes. Santana saw herself when she spotted the scars peeking from under the tiny brunette's sleeves; she gazed down at her own arms, bare with the T-shirt she was wearing. The scars were gone. At least the physical ones.

**Mistaken**

**Always second guessing**

**Underestimated**

**Look, I'm still around…**

Rachel shifted closer to Jesse as they sit around in a square sort of shape, Puck is on a stool, guitar in his hands as he played softly, Santana's voice weaving with the notes perfectly, even though she was crying as she sung. Rachel watched the Latina with interest, with curiosity, with understanding. Santana looked, for the first time, human for all to see.

_**Pretty, pretty please**_

_**Don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like your less than**_

_**Less than perfect**_

Jesse took the chorus from Santana's shaky ending to the verse as more tears joined the first one. It was graceful and elegant, her breakdown. It was contained and all over the place at the same time. Santana herself didn't know what to do with herself. Like it was an alien emotion to her, this sense of hopelessness and loss. The Latina wiped the tears from her eyes as Jesse's velvet voice joined with Puck's strumming. Rachel's hand was encased within his as he sung to her and, like Santana, the emotions of the song bubble at the surface for him too.

(Because even Jesse St. James every now and then felt like he was imperfect. He **was **human after all).

_**Pretty, pretty please**_

_**If you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're nothing**_

_**You are perfect to me**_

Rachel joined in with teary eyes by the end of the chorus, the way the song communicated everything she was feeling at the moment. Confusion. Pain. Anger. Disgust. Fear. And, underneath it all, a frail spark of hope. It was all wrapped up into one song with the three people she cared for the most pleading with her not to feel them. She knew emotions weren't like a switch one could just turn off and on when one felt like it. But the way these people begged and pleaded with her to try made her feel warm inside, warmer than she'd felt in months.

_The world stares while I swallow the fear_

_The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer_

Puck strummed his guitar as he sung, his eyes cast down on the strings. Rachel breathed a laugh at the beer part, knowing best than anyone Puck's affinity for alcohol. (There was a life shared between them, happy and sweet childhood memories mingled with the tears and the estrangement of their first teenage years).

_So cool in lying and I try, try, try_

_But we try too hard – it's a waste of my time_

This part seemed to speak to Puck himself, the way he'd been over the past two year of High School. Not trying in anything, because he didn't want to come off as a loser, but now he was sort of proud of being one, if it meant getting somewhere, leaving Lima, being someone. He glanced over at Santana, her wet and fragile-looking eyes boring back at his. He smiled softly at her and she smiled back.

_Done looking for the critics, 'cause they're everywhere_

_They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair_

_Estrange ourselves and we do it all the time_

_Why do we do that?_

_Why do I do that?_

Santana almost spoke the next line. It was a haunting whisper.

**Why do I do that?**

The trio joined together for the final chorus and Rachel smiled through her tears, Jesse squeezed her hand tightly. Santana wiped her eyes once more, becoming more confident in her state of exposure with every second that passed, knowing these three people wouldn't expose her secrets to the world. Puck kept his eyes on Santana, with this hint of concern in the back of his eyes as he continued to play until the last line, sung by Jesse.

_**Pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're less then, less than perfect**_

_**Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel**_

_**Like you're nothing**_

_**You are perfect, to me**_

Santana sung the next two lines, holding the notes perfectly. She closed her eyes tightly as she focused on the sound of her broken voice creating something beautiful.

**You're perfect**

**You're perfect**

Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less then, less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing you are perfect to me

"Thank you". Rachel whispered.

**

* * *

W**hile Puck, Santana and Rachel were all gathered in the St. James residence, all four of them still reeling from their emotional impromptu performance, a small group of teenagers were standing on the Berry family's porch, knocking forcefully on the front door. The one that appeared to be their leader, a tall blonde with icy blue-green eyes, huffed as she turned to a slightly smaller African-American girl. Behind the two girls, a tall Asian boy and an equally taller blonde girl chatted with an Asian girl and a boy on a wheelchair. "Try her cell phone again, Mercedes. She's in here somewhere. Her car is here", the lead blonde pointed at the purple Prius. The African-American girl scoffed.

"Q, for Pete's sake, Rachel's phone is blowing up with missed calls and texts and so else from me. She's not answering. And everything is all dark here. She's not home".

Quinn Fabray nearly growled in annoyance. She had spent the entire day on edge, wanting to put Berry on her place, to make her lose everything like Quinn herself had the previous year, all because of Rachel. In Quinn's mind, if Rachel Berry hadn't walked into Finn's life, with her singing and her appeal, Quinn wouldn't have slept with Puck, thus not getting pregnant and having to live with half a heart since Regionals last year.

"She must be somewhere and we're going to find her!" Quinn said loudly as she sat down on the Berry's porch's front steps. "Okay, so she's not home. Call Puck. He and Berry are all buddy-buddy now, he must know where she is, that is, if she isn't with him", the blonde nodded once, turning to Mercedes, who huffed but scrolled down her contacts searching for Puck's cell phone number.

"Puck's out with San", Brittany piped up from her seat on Artie's lap. "I called her earlier to ask if she wanted to hang out and she said she couldn't because she was out with him". The blonde rested her cheek against Artie's head, fingers playing absently with his hair. "And I think they were going on a trip, I heard her mumble in Spanish about having to pack… Or at least I think that's what she meant…"

Quinn frowned and shot a quick, speculative glance towards Mercedes, who shrugged and busied herself with her phone. This was getting too weird. Puck and Santana going away together? She ignored the small pang of jealousy the thought caused her as she tried to put the pieces together. Quinn was sure her former fling and former best friend weren't about to skip town, Puck was all for proving he wasn't a Lima loser and being a high-school dropout wasn't going to achieve that. And Santana had too much ambition to just leave altogether, unless it meant she was to become some hotshot's trophy wife. "Something's not right…" She mumbled with a long look at the wooden front door.

Sighing in non-admitted defeat, Quinn turned her back to the door and left the empty house behind. Rachel had escaped her tonight. But she couldn't skip class Monday. A malicious smirk curved the blonde's lips. Yes, Monday Rachel Berry would get what was coming to her.


	14. Thirteen

**Ellie's Author Note: **So, whose computer broke down, taking all her files and prolonging the time it took to get this chapter up when he amazing co-author could have probably finished it in half the time? *raises hand* It is completely my bad that this is so late, I am so sorry and it won't happen again. So in other news, Ek! Jesse St James back on my telly box now please! Can't wait until next Tuesday so I can spazz out. *dances around, flailing* Okay, I'm cool. Thanks to Julie who is amazing as usual.

**Julie's Author Note: ***laughing at Ellie's antics* Hey guys, so sorry for the delay. But real life kicked in (I'm two months short of my graduation), and Ellie's been crazy busy (she even went MIA on me for a few days), so we had to hold back a bit on the writing. In other news, YAAAAAAAAY! Five days until the gorgeous, talented, awesome, sexy as hell Jesse St. James returns to our screens! *dies* If anyone found a download link of the St. Berry version of 'Rolling in the Deep', feel free to PM me and claim my firstborn *grins*.

**Disclaimer: **Nope. Not ours.

**and I owe it all to you: **_thirteen_

**M**onday morning was crisp, cool and sunny as the Range Rover rolled into McKinley High's parking lot. Inside it, a relaxed and happy Rachel Berry (genuinely happy for the first time in months) sat on the passenger seat next to her… _friend_ Jesse St. James, their hands clasped together as they sang quietly to one of his iPod playlists. They'd had an almost perfect weekend together at his family's mansion in Akron, with Noah and Santana, and for two days the four teenagers laughed, talked and generically had loads of fun. But of course all that's good must come to an end, so here they were, early Monday morning, both trying not to think too much of how the day would end up, since it would be the first time Rachel would stay face to face with the other gleeks since news of Dustin Goolsby's offer to her had leaked.

If they were being honest, Jesse was more nervous with everything than Rachel was. Don't get her wrong, she was worried, after all it would be a stressful confrontation, and she knew she was in no mental state to face one of those, especially with Quinn and Mercedes leading it as she knew they would, but at least she would have Noah and Santana by her side the entire day.

Jesse, on the other hand, wouldn't be able to keep protecting her like he had been doing for the last few days and that left him incredibly frustrated. He was extremely concerned with Rachel, since she was just getting back on her feet after months of self-harm, but he knew she wouldn't just bounce back and be again the strong and confident Rachel Berry he had fallen in love with.

Oh, that girl still existed, buried deep underneath the abuse, harassment and hurt – he had seen glimpses of her during their heavenly weekend together. But Santana had privatively warned him that Rachel wasn't going to just kick up her habit and be all perky and bossy again. There was a high probability she could relapse back into her cutting habits, especially if the stress got too high for her to handle. And that Monday would be especially stressful, Jesse could feel it.

Santana had suggested that he talk to Hiram and Leroy Berry about hiring a shrink for Rachel to talk to, and after running the idea with Puckerman (who was all for it) he had agreed. Rachel was kept in the dark for the moment because he knew she still wasn't comfortable talking about the cutting, and he knew it would be especially hard for her to discuss it with her fathers. But, as soon as the Berry men were informed of Rachel's mental state, Jesse would approach her with the idea of going to therapy. For all her expansiveness, Rachel was the type of girl to bottle up her feelings, and he had a feeling talking to an impartial third party would help her.

Rachel came out of her trance when she felt the car coming to a halt. Looking outside the window, she sighed as she recognized they were in front of school and, with a small smile, turned to her ex. "Everything'll be fine", she told Jesse, squeezing his hand softly. He eyed her for a moment, with a weak smirk, and nodded uncertainly, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing her knuckles gently. The brunette's breath hitched on her throat as the undercurrent of sparks that always existed between them flared back to life at the small touch, leaving her skin tingling pleasantly. Her eyes locked with his, loads of unspoken emotion thickening the air inside the car.

Jesse sighed, his lips tingling from where they touched her skin. There was so much he wanted to tell her, so many things they had to discuss concerning themselves and their past relationship… But he knew it wasn't the moment. That conversation, although needed to be had, was bound to be a very stressful and emotional one – so, not a suitable to happen with Rachel's well-being still so precarious. With a small smile, he let go of her hand cupping her cheek gently and leaning forward to press a kiss on her other cheek.

"Good luck", he whispered into her ear, and she smiled a little, nodding silently. Squeezing his hand slightly, Rachel picked up her bag and hopped out of the car; as she looked over at the peaceful building she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.

Inside the car, Jesse allowed himself to feel hope.

**T**he moment Rachel Berry stepped into the busy halls of McKinley High, she found herself flanked by Santana Lopez (the school's true HBIC) and Noah Puckerman (McKinley's self proclaimed resident badass). The two teenagers and former couple began speaking quite animatedly about their joint weekend, Noah's arm casually thrown over Rachel's shoulder and Santana's looped around Rachel's free arm (the other was squashed against Noah's body). Rachel needed a moment to relax into the conversation flow, but once she did, everything seemed normal.

But there was a reason why Puck and Santana had come to find Rachel the minute she arrived at McKinley and the three of them were keenly aware of it. Every now and then, they would run into one of the gleeks, who would glare reproachfully at Rachel and open their mouths to speak, but a glare from Santana and a scowl from Puck would send them on their way.

By the time lunch rolled, Rachel was shivering in panic, a glazed look in her eyes that had Santana worried. She had been like Rachel once, hurt, broken and scared, trying to put up a façade do hide the wide open cracks in her heart, and she recognized the shiver of one who longed for the only comfort they knew – the slide of the blade, the pangs of pain, the drip of blood. Intertwining her fingers with Rachel's, Santana squeezed hers softly, a gentle reassuring look on her face. When Rachel turned to look at the Latina, the taller brunette sang quietly, "_Pretty pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel like you're nothing – you're fucking perfect_".

A small grateful smile curved Rachel's lips, and she nodded, signaling she had understood the unspoken message. Taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, Rachel walked in the cafeteria, Santana's hand clasping her tightly, Noah trailing after them and texting updates on Rachel's day to Jesse, who was understandably freaking out. The three teens walked past the gleeks' table, silence falling heavily on the seated group – Mercedes, Tina, Artie – as they cruised towards an empty table on the corner, whispers chasing after them.

Finn, Quinn, Mike, Sam and Brittany were sitting on the ensemble table of Cheerios and footballers, Quinn glaring openly at Rachel, Santana and Puck, Finn going from confused looks to Rachel's and Santana's hands to resentful glares at Puck and pleading little glances to Rachel. Mike nodded slightly in acknowledgement at Puck and Santana, smiling slightly at Rachel. Sam looked confused and lost, busier trying to catch Quinn's attention. Lauren, sitting nearby on the wrestlers' table, stuffed her face up with candy.

Brittany however surprised everyone when she stood up and bounded up to where Puck, Santana and Rachel had sat down, a big smile on her face as she plopped down next on the other side of Rachel, who had Santana sitting on her right and Noah across from her. "Hi, Rach!" She said happily, stealing a piece of fruit from Rachel's homemade lunch bag. Santana smiled indulgently, Puck smirked and Rachel looked stunned.

"H-hello, Brittany", she stammered, looking puzzled at Puck, who shrugged and went back to typing away at his phone. "H-how are you today?"

"I'm great!" Brittany replied, smiling widely at her. "S, you're holding Rach's hand, does this mean she's like our friend now?" The blonde asked, and Santana smiled slightly.

"Yeah, you know, B, midget here isn't so annoying once you get to know her", the Latina said, shrugging as she looked thoughtfully at the long line for food. Shrugging, she began nitpicking on Rachel's assorted selection of organically grown fruits. "Sorry, midget, but your fruits taste better than the grub they're serving up there", she explained, and Rachel chuckled and nodded, pushing the bowl slightly so it was equally distant from Brittany and Santana.

"Great!" Brittany squealed as she hugged Rachel tightly. "I'm so glad you, me and S are friends now, Rach. You have a very pretty voice and you're always very nice – even when you're looking all lost and sad", the blonde nodded, startling Rachel who looked at her shocked and wide-eyed. "Did you know that my cat breaks in my cell phone and reads my texts? Charity's a very nosey kitty".

Rachel giggled and was about to reply to Brittany when a shadow fell over their table, and she stiffened as she looked up and came face to face with the maliciously-looking Quinn Fabray. "Brittany, Santana", she ordered coolly. "You guys have to go sit down with me and the other Cheerios. You too, Puck. The guys want to discuss the new plays Beiste has you guys working on".

"No can do, Q", Puck replied smoothly, stealing a piece of strawberry. "Fuck this tastes good, Berry", he said as he licked his fingers clean from the fruit's juices. Quinn, meanwhile, clenched her teeth together at being easily dismissed.

"Lopez, Pierce, it's an order!" She barked, and Santana looked up calmly at her, a cool expression on her face.

"Despite what coach tells you, Fabray, you're no young Sue Sylvester so, like Puck said, no can do".

Now furious, Quinn tangled her fingers on Rachel's hair and tugged angrily at it, making Rachel cry out in pain. "Listen, RuPaul-"

But she never came to end her sentence, because simultaneously two things happened: Puck and Santana stood up in light speed, both with stormy looks on their faces, while Brittany squeaked in shock and slapped at Quinn's wrist, with strength enough that it forced the head cheerleader to let go of Rachel's hair and take a step back. "Listen up, _puta_", Santana growled furiously (Puck, knowing that when Santana cursed in Spanish she was one step from beat up someone, placed an arm around her waist), "touch Berry again and I'll fucking cut you!" She said quietly. "I swear to God, Fabray, you lay one bony finger on her and I'll make your life a living hell".

Quinn scoffed in sheer disbelief. "Are you switching sides on me, Santana?" She sneered, while Brittany busied herself with massaging Rachel's aching scalp.

"You bet your scrawny ass that I am", Santana stated, shaking Puck off. "C'mon, Brit, Rach, let's get out here. I hear hypocrisy is contagious", she snapped, and Brittany stood up, lacing Rachel's pinky with her own and scowling at Quinn before following after Santana and Puck.

"You're going to regret this, Lopez!" The now seething blonde calling after the foursome.

"Oh I can't wait to see what you're going to pull, Fabray. Bring it!" The Latina called back as silence enveloped the cafeteria. Once the double doors slammed behind them, a loud buzz fell over the student body. Quinn stomped over to the Cheerios and jocks' table, shaking with anger.

* * *

**R**achel spared a quick glance into the Choir room as she stood outside; everyone was talking busily, making petty small talk, except for Puck and Santana who were sitting on a corner, far away from the rest of glee, talking quietly to each other. They couldn't see her yet, she stood outside the door, looking in, pondering if it was a wise move to jump into the lions' den. She was then overcome with a major sense of déjà vu as she looked through the glass pane, remembering her last time in the hot seat of New Directions clear as day – the day she had to apologize for what she'd done to Sunshine.

The only noticeable difference between that day and this was that now there were more scars decorating her wrists and body; the thought made her pull her sleeves further down her arms in almost shame at herself. The tiny diva then took in a deep, calming breath before softly pushing the door open. As she slipped into through the gap in the door, heads popped up to stare her down as she entered.

"Hey", she greeted, remembering how Puck had advised her to act like nothing was wrong. He noticed this and nodded once, pride inside his bright eyes

"Don't 'hey' us", Mercedes snapped fiercely, hands on her hips as she stood next to where Quinn was sat, her ice cold eyes piercing into Rachel.

"I don't understand", she lied smoothly. Quinn pulled something from her binder, a couple pieces of paper and held them out to Rachel, unwillingly to cross the distance to her. Rachel padded to take them from Quinn's hand, the glares becoming more intense as she scanned the papers. She nearly chuckled at the comments on her and Jesse's intimacy and suppressed a smirk as she looked up at the club.

"Care to explain?" Quinn questioned, coolly, anger barely hidden in her voice. Rachel remembered what Jesse had said. _Be truthful_. She inhaled deeply, letting the air fill her lungs before starting.

"Well, for once, what Jacob says about me is true. I met with Coach Goolsby the other day". Her admission was met with outbursts of anger and protests. The club began to shout rowdily at Rachel about her betrayal.

"This is so like you, RuPaul", Quinn snapped as other remarks were thrown at her.

"Is this because you didn't get those solos at Sectionals?"

"I thought you were more committed to this team than this".

"You're a power hungry bitch".

Rachel's anger boiled at each comment. She tensed more and more with every word that left the New Direction's collective mind as they yelled at her. Her eyes met Santana, who was sat in the corner with Puck, watching the scene unfold. Santana was visibly upset, her hands clenched into fists as she clearly struggled to reign herself in. Puck nodded at her firmly, giving her some reassurance in herself as the comments turned to a different subject.

"How could you go back to that douche? Are you trying to hurt my feelings _again_?"

"He egged you!"

"He betrayed us, and you crawl back to him!"

"**Enough**!" Rachel barked loudly. The whole room was silent at her order. Rachel inhaled quickly, fury burning underneath her skin as she did. "I understand that this is somewhat a shock to everyone-"

"A shock! How could you do this to us!" Finn huffed.

"I did it as easily as you broke up with me, or Quinn calls me RuPaul! I felt no remorse in what I did, which is nothing by the way, because of how I've been treated by this group!" Rachel shouted, not even looking at Finn. Mercedes scoffed in disbelief, rolling her eyes. "I practically founded this club, built it up and I'm treated like nothing. If it weren't for **me**, no one here would have New Directions to hide when things get unbearable hard". She hissed in response to the club.

"And what about Jesse?" Finn snapped, looking her deep in the eyes "He egged you, he was a spy!" He yelled at her and she flinched in anger, her eyes welling up with tears.

"What, and I should be with **you** instead?" She asked him, irony and sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"You should! You'd be if you hadn't cheated on me with Puckerman!" Finn told her in a bark, like he was ordering her, standing up.

Rachel shook her head in disbelief before pointing at him. "That's the reason we're not!" She yelled. "You can't let go of one **mistake **I made – no offense, Noah – and yet you want me to forgive more than half a year of you lying blatantly to my face! You think you can just drop me, then pick me up when Quinn decides she's not interested or you get lonely or bored with her. And if someone shows some interest in me, you go all jealous like I'm yours, like I'm a property!" She exclaimed.

"No, it's not like that", he stuttered. "It's just… I just…"

"You know what? In the last couple of days Jesse has been a better friend to me than any of you ever has in **years**, he's looked out for me whilst I went through some bad times". She told the room whilst Finn tried to formulate a comeback. Everyone looked at each other in confusion.

"What kind of trouble do you have, ManHands? Your life is perfect, you just bitch and whine like a spoiled child". Quinn sniped at her, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Like your life is such a **mess **right now, right Quinn?" She shouted. "You know nothing about my life, none of you do! None of you **cares**.So don't go pretending you do. Hell, I bet half of you don't even know when my birthday is", she added, addressing the whole group.

Everyone shifted awkwardly, knowing that she was done. Rachel inhaled, looking at the eleven people before her and sees only people who have caused her to feel terrible about herself, make her scar her skin, make her want to leave the school, the district, the club, the world sometimes.

"I'm done", she announced before walking out the room. Everyone was silent for a few seconds until Santana stood up, Puck trying to pull her down as they murmured urgently.

"_Por Dios_!" Santana shouted. "You guys are pathetic!" She screeched bitchily as she marched towards Quinn and slapped her forcefully on the face. "And you, you pathetic excuse of a human being, you never again lay a hand of speak a word about Berry, otherwise I'll kill you. You think you're HBIC? That's because I _allow _you to be. Don't mess with me or my friends, Fabray, otherwise you'll have then a real reason to bitch and moan". With that, she turned away and left.

* * *

**S**antana was practically trembling in fury when she stormed out of the chaotic practice room, Puck's rough and furious voice ringing above Quinn's shrieks as he barked insults and painful never-spoken-before truths to the nine teenagers inside. In her haste to leave the choir room, she ran into two people, angry dark eyes looking up at the somber and concerned face of Will Schuester. She shook him off, mumbling, "Excuse me, Mr. Schue", as she tried to walk past him, but his hand on her forearm held her back.

"Wait, Santana, what's wrong?" He asked, looking worriedly and confused at her. He almost looked like he _cared_, and this made Santana laugh bitterly and humorlessly.

"You want to know what's going on? Fine, I'll tell you. Rachel has been going through some hard times and no one in that stupid 'family' you call glee club considered pulling the stick off their asses to ask her what's going on. It took St. James being back and Rachel being invited to be lead of Vocal Adrenaline by Goolsby himself for them to decide she's a fucking cheating bitch and jump on her like a bunch of hungry lions. And that's your fucking fault too, Schue, you know why? Because you look down at Rachel, _Dios sabe por qué_, you even _yelled_ at her once because she was rightfully protesting against not having a solo at sectionals. So go ahead and pat that bunch of jerks on their heads for pushing Rachel away. But don't regret it when she leads Vocal Adrenaline to its fifth consecutive National title", the Latina said, sighing when the loud crashes and noises of a brawl filtered in. "I guess Puck did give Finn that punch he has been burning to give since Finn started being more of a douche to Rachel. I have to go find her. Later, Schue". Santana then left a stunned Will behind, going towards the auditorium.

Schuester was then brought out of his trance by yelled insults and more crashes and the muffled sounds of clenched fists meeting flesh. Shaking his head, he hurried towards the chaotic choir room. His eyes widened as he took in the scene that greeted him.

Puck was panting, Sam holding an also panting Finn back while Mike had Puck on a headlock. The two boys had cuts and bruises, Finn visibly more beaten up and struggling against the arms that held him captive than his former best friend. Despite being stopped from resorting to more physical violence, insults and bad words were hurled back and forth. Quinn and Mercedes were sitting on a corner, the blonde with her usual pristine ponytail all messy and undone, nursing with a increasingly redder cheek and looking downright pissed. Tina and Brittany were glaring at the two other girls, Brittany looking murderous. "HEY!" He called out over the loud voices. "What's going on here?"

But, before anyone could say anything, Jesse St. James hurried in the choir room, eyes frantic as he looked over everyone. Finn struggled to break free of Sam, forcing Mike and Artie to hurry towards him, Mike helping Sam hold Finn while Artie parked right in front of the taller boy. Undisturbed, Jesse marched towards Puck, asking in a quiet voice that rang loudly in the silent room, "Where is she? Where did she go?"

_Jesse?_ Schuester thought in shock. "What the fuck is going on?" He blurted out.

Chaos broke out as everyone tried to outtalk the other, leaving Schue lost and forced to wolfwhistle loudly so everyone would fall silent. "Okay!" He said loudly as everyone settled (Finn shook Sam and Mike off while Artie remained exactly where he was, knowing somehow that another brawl could break out any time). "Jesse", the teacher said as he turned to the older teen. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in California".

"I was", Jesse said as he flicked back a lock of hair that kept falling in front of his eyes. "But then I saw Rachel in sectionals. She had her showface on for that entire evening. Plus, no solo, which led to a tied victory", he said pointedly, reveling on the guilt that flashed on the older man's eyes. "I knew right away something was wrong, so I called Dustin Goolsby and accepted the spot of assistant coach of Vocal Adrenaline, which he had offered me a few weeks prior. Once I was here, he told me he was interested on having Rachel replace Sunshine as lead and he wanted me to tell her that. So I did. And I think she just made her mind about whether to go there or not".

"Okay", Will nodded, hesitantly. "But that doesn't explain why you and Puck are fighting Finn".

"THAT SON OF A BITCH WANTS TO STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND AND SABOTAGE OUR WAY TO NATIONALS!" Finn yelled, making Puck growl.

"You fucking bastard, she's not your girlfriend anymore. You **dumped **her, remember? You fucking lied to her and she made a mistake and told you the truth and you **dumped **her anyway!" Puck took a deep breath, visibly trying to reign his temper in, as he turned to Schue. "No one likes Berry here, Mr. Schue, besides me and, clearly, San. She's my girl and Jesse is good for her. Why wouldn't I fight on his side?"

"And I don't want to sabotage your way to Nationals. You guys do that just fine yourselves, thank you. I love Rachel, and I want what's best for her. And, clearly, Carmel and VA are just that. Where is she, Puckerman?"

"Beats me, she left after calling everyone on their shit", the other boy shrugged, and Jesse nodded and left. Puck followed him, but a glimpse of Kurt, who was confused watching the entire scene unravel, made him say to the now quiet group. "Yo, why is Hummel's bullying any different from Rachel's? Why is he more special than she is? Because you can pretend you are her _friends_ while Karofsky was always a threat?" He laughed bitterly. "Do you guys think that you're any less a threat to her life than Karofsky was to Kurt's? Think again. Assholes", he mumbled as he followed after Jesse, leaving a stunned group in his wake.

* * *

**A**fter searching for Rachel in the entire school, Santana finally managed to find her. The tiny, troubled diva was sitting on the bleachers, looking at the empty football field, eyes lost in the horizon like she was trying to decipher what the future held for her. Taking a deep, calming breath, the Latina climbed her way up to where the now former lead of New Directions sat, taking a seat next to her. They stayed silent for some moments, Santana's arm brushing against the soft cotton of Rachel's long-sleeved shirt, before the taller brunette took a deep, fortifying breath and hoisted up her short red Cheerio skirt. Rachel caught a glimpse of movement on the corner of her eye, and looked at her, gasping softly at what she way.

Right on the hem of Santana's also red spankies, there was a scar. It was faded, blending almost imperceptibly with Santana's naturally tanned skin, but it was a scar nevertheless. The Latina ran a fingertip slowly at the mark, silent as she tried to put her thoughts in order before she met Rachel's inquisitive eyes. "Yeah. Me too. I started after my mother died, of cancer. She found out when she was terminal, and she died like that", she snapped her fingers as she quietly answered the unspoken question. "If it weren't for my sister, my father and my therapist…" She took a deep breath, voice thick with tears.

Rachel's fingers hovered over the hem of her sleeve, and she too took a deep breath as she closed her eyes and slowly lifted it, showing Santana her collection of scars, some more healed than the others. "It's hard", she whispered, eyes still shut tight, "to resist temptation. Sometimes I feel it's stronger than me", she admitted quietly.

"It's not", Santana said instantly. "You're going to be fine, Berry. You have Jesse, who's fucking nuts about you, and Puck, who would kill someone to protect you". The cheerleader then made a pause and added quietly. "And you have me too. I get it, Berry, and I'll help you out of it".

Rachel, eyes swimming with tears, threw herself in Santana's arms, hugging her tightly. Relief washed over her, as she realized there was still hope for her, that she could still lead a normal life. "Thank you", she whispered, voice rough as tears washed down her face.

Santana squeezed her with equal force, tearing up as well.

From the first bleacher, Puck and Jesse exchanged a smirk.

All would be well.


	15. Fourteen

**Julie's Author Note:** First – thanks to all of you that poured in with links to 'Rolling in the Deep'. It made me feel so loved! You guys are awesome – never let anyone tell you any different. Second – I was downright disgusted with what I read of 'New York'. It infuriates me that RIB believes Rachel would forgive Finn so easily for everything he put her through this season. I now am declaring I refuse to consider that sorry excuse of an episode as the season finale. 'Funeral' was it for me.

Also, sorry for the very, very, very long delay on getting this out here. Ellie and I have lives that are kicking our butts right now. I finally finished college and am counting down the days for my summer vacation trip. I'm not taking my laptop with me so I won't be able to write and reply to your reviews and I wanted to give you guys something after so long without an update.

Last but not least, I know a bunch of you guys are concerned about the fate of this now that Ellie has taken a breather from writing. My words are: do not worry. Ellie is still my partner in all things St. Berry. We may take longer to spit chapters out but we're still writing this and we still have a handful of things to happen on this little universe.

Italic, Rachel. Bold, Brittany, Santana and Kurt. Bold italic, the four of them.

**Ellie's Author Note:** I did nothing. I'm dead after a weekend of Prom and Glee Live and attempting to work on the next chapter. Thank Julie and only Julie. Sorry for the long wait, kids.

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Not ours. The song belongs to Leona Lewis.

**and I owe it all to you:**_ fourteen_

**A**fter their little emotional moment, Rachel stood up and squared her shoulders, leaving Santana still sitting on the bleacher as the smaller brunette fixed her sleeve back on place, hiding her scars. "C'mon", she told the Latina, who stood up and followed Rachel as the latter skipped down to the edge of the football field, marching back towards the school building.

"Where are we going?" Santana asked as she laced her arm through Rachel's, leaving Jesse and Puck to follow after them, the two boys also curious to know what Rachel was going to do now.

"I'm going back there and I'm singing. And they **will** listen", she said forcefully. "I'm leaving, that's settled after today", she added, turning to Jesse. "Can you call Coach Goolsby and tell him I've made my mind?" He nodded, pulling his phone out and stepping aside to make the call, and she smiled gratefully before turning to Santana again. "But I'm saying my goodbye the best way I know how. Can you guys make sure everyone stay there and quiet as I sing?"

Santana rolled her eyes in mock annoyance while Puck out in a devilish smirk. "Fuck yeah we can, Berry. Stop questioning our badassness", he quipped, and she laughed as she remembered the first time those words escaped his lips.

"God forbid I do anything of the sort, Noah. I have seen your guns after all", she teased as they arrived in front of the auditorium doors. It was silent, quiet, unlike the ruckus she was sure she would find if she stood in front of the choir room door. Taking a deep breath, she curled her fingers lightly, almost lovingly, around the doorknob, turning to Puck and Santana. "You guys find a way to get them in here. I need some time alone".

Puck nodded and turned to hurry towards the choir room, but Santana hung back a bit. "You're gonna be fine on your own?" She asked quietly, concerned dark eyes focusing on Rachel's face. Something had changed in the departing New Directions' lead – she looked lighter, happier. _Thank God_, Santana thought with relief.

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine", she said breathing deeply as she pushed the door open and slipped inside the darkened, empty auditorium.

* * *

**M**eanwhile, the nine members of New Directions plus Kurt Hummel were gathered at the choir room, Quinn still fuming at the fiasco that the supposed confrontation with Rachel Berry ended up being, and Finn nursing his cuts and bruises from his fight with Puck. Kurt, who had just learnt from Tina what had been going on with his former team while he was away in Dalton, was the first one to speak over the buzz of quiet conversations. "As much as it surprises me, Puck is right", he said, quietly, but still loud enough to be heard by everyone in the room.

"What are you talking about, Hummel?" Quinn snapped at him.

"Why am I being bullied different from Rachel being bullied? What is it that makes me special and she lacks? Because I'm not outspoken of my opinions about you guys? Because I try not to stand out from everyone else? Because I'm gay? This changes now", the delicate boy stood up and came to stand in the center of the choir room. "Quinn, you're a fucking hypocritical bitch. Who are you to say who is and isn't a slut? You're an statistic, you had a baby at sixteen and you gave her up and moved on with her life like she meant nothing and your fate is to be the overworked trophy bimbo of some guy old enough to be your father. At least Rachel is naturally beautiful and gentle and loving and she **will **make something out of herself. Finn, you're a bastard. Barbra forgive me for saying this about my brother, but you are. You lied and cheated on Quinn and toyed with Rachel's emotions. You're egocentric and selfish and childish and just plain stupid. You don't want Rachel but no one can have her. That's unfair and immature – God, I think I had to be blind to have a crush on you".

"Kurt!" Finn complained, but his stepbrother had already tuned him out, moving on to his own best friend.

"Mercedes – where is the gentle, sweet, understanding girl I was best friends with? You're African American, Mercedes, and so is Rachel, at least partially. You've seen Leroy Berry. She's a diva just like us. Why are you treating her like that? Because of Quinn? Please. Quinn won't help you in every way she can once you have issues. She's too centered in her own made-up troubles to care about anyone else". He saw that Mercedes opened up her mouth to protest and cut her off before she could even start. "Yes, I know she reached out to you when you were borderline having an eating disorder because of Miss Sylvester. But can't you see that was the exception and not the rule? Quinn had lost everything. If she had grown up with her experience last year, that would be one thing, but I think it had been proved more than once that she hasn't. Please snap out of it, Mer".

"It's so easy to pinpoint everyone else's supposed flaws, isn't it, Hummel. But what about you? You're no angel either", Quinn snipped.

"You're right. I'm not. But everything I did to Rachel, and Rachel to me, stemmed from jealousy. I was jealous of her voice, of her certainty of herself, of her talent and, most of all, I was jealous that she had caught Finn's eye. And Rachel knew it. She knew it and she acknowledged it more than once – including recently at Sectionals. She told me she recognized me as her one true competition inside New Directions. So, Rachel and I **are **in a good place. And the rest of you – you sinned for omission. You – no, us, all of us, we could've made Rachel's life easier if we were truly her friends. But it was easier to kick her down so we could feel better about ourselves – or pretend it wasn't happening, that everything Rachel heard would roll off her back. But, as Lindsay Lohan famously said in _Mean Girls_, calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling somebody else stupid doesn't make you any smarter. Making Rachel Berry's life a living hell won't make yours any easier", he said just in time for Puck and Santana to march in the choir room, with matching Cheshire cat grins on their faces. The smaller boy startled as he felt a arm fall heavily and casually over his shoulders; looking to his right he smirked slightly at an also smirking Santana.

"I like this new you, Hummel", she declared before addressing the shell-shocked gleeks. "Auditorium, now. I'll kill whoever thinks of bitching. That includes you, Mr. Schue", she said flippantly as she turned back to the door, Kurt in tow and Puck following after them. Once they all arrived at the semidarkened auditorium and settled into the closest seats to the stage, they were startled by the soft noises of a piano being played.

_It's been the longest winter without you_

_I didn't know where to turn to_

_See, somehow I can't forget you_

_After all that we've been through_

Rachel was sitting on the piano bench, slowly playing the accords, and the pure power of her voice as usual left the other gleeks breathless. Brittany grinned as she recognized the song and jumped up before rushing to the stage, coming to stand nearby Rachel. Santana promptly followed her best friend's steps, tugging Kurt with her, and they joined Brittany.

_Going, coming_

_Thought I heard a knock, __**who's there?**__ No one_

_Thinking that I __**deserved it**_

_Now I realize that I really didn't know, oh, oh_

_If you didn't notice, you meant everything_

_**Quickly I'm learning**__ to love again_

_All I know is, I will be okay_

Sitting on the audience, surrounded by nine of his pupils, Schuester frowned slightly. There was something… _different_… with Rachel. Her voice was still beautiful, unarguably, she still was the best singer out of the group, but her whole posture had changed. She seemed confident, sure of herself, soulful, in a way he hadn't seen her be in weeks, if not months. And the song she had chosen to sing… There was an underlining message to the lyrics, he knew it… But what was it?

_Thought I couldn't live without you_

_It's gonna hurt but it heals too, oh, yeah_

**It will all get better in time**

_And even though I really love you_

_I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to_

**It will all get better in time**

Santana noticed the thin veil of tears pooled on Rachel's eyes and squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. Kurt's eyes were also bubbling with moisture and Santana noticed he was eyeing longingly the empty spot next to Rachel on the piano bench, probably wanting to sit there so he could offer Rachel some comfort, but with a quick look from her and a small negative shake of her head he settled to put his hand on Rachel's free shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

_If I'm dreaming, don't wanna laugh __**(it hurts my feelings)**_

_But that's the path __**I believe in**_

_And I know time will heal it_

_**If you didn't notice this,**__ well, you meant everything_

**Quickly I'm learning **_to love again_

**All I know is**_, I will be okay_

Mercedes frowned. Why was Rachel singing a song about a girl who vowed she would be okay? Rachel was healthy and relatively happy – there was no reason for her to be considered unwell… right? She narrowed her eyes and frowned deeper as Rachel's sleeve rode a little up, showing a flash of a small bright red gash on her wrist. However, when she blinked, Rachel had already pulled the fabric back on place, almost imperceptibly. Mercedes shrugged and focused on the performance again. Clearly her eyes were playing tricks on her.

_Since there's no more you and me _**(no more you and me)**

_It's time I let you go so I can be free_

_And live my life how it should be _**(no, no, no, no)**

_No matter how hard it is, __**I'll be fine without you**_

_Yes, I will_

Will gasped quietly. Rachel was leaving? But why? Surely New Directions was behaving worse towards her lately, but it wasn't anything they couldn't work out with a little conversation and more comprehension from both sides, was it? Rubbing his temples tiredly (sometimes Rachel's drama was too hard to deal with), he settled back down on his seat, already planning what he would say to convince Rachel to stay.

_Thought I couldn't live without you_

_It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh, yeah_

**It will all get better in time**

_And even though I really love you_

_I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to – yes, I do_

**It will all get better in time**

_In time, in time_

_It will get better in time_

He never managed to talk Rachel out of leaving. The minute she wrapped up her song, she got up, walked out the stage and silently moved towards the door. Once she reached the now open doorway, she breathed a soft word that resounded on the quiet theatre.

"Goodbye".

* * *

**S**unshine Corazon was feeling triumphant the moment she walked into the Carmel auditorium for the scheduled rehearsal of Vocal Adrenaline. Jacob Ben-Israel had been thorough on his report of Rachel's clandestine meeting with Coach Goolsby, and the hell her rival was sure going through made the new VA lead feel vindicated. Of course it was nowhere near the pain and fear going into the crack house had caused to Sunshine herself, but she wasn't a megalomaniac.

"Why the smile, Corazon?" Giselle Torres asked as she stretched onstage. Several of the VA seniors were already there, being helped on their warm-up stretches by Chris (who had graduated the year before and was now a assistant-coach in dancing while going to OSU), and Sunshine grinned as she pulled her hair in a ponytail.

"I finally understand why you guys are so fond of the funkification", she said in response, skipping up to the stage to warm up as well. Giselle, Chris and Carrie looked at each other, confused, before Carrie asked.

"What are you talking about, Sunshine? We're nowhere near regionals".

"I know. But there's something so empowering on making someone's life a living hell, don't you think?"

"Spill", Giselle commanded. "Whose life you fucked up?"

Sunshine grinned again, raising her arms over her head and feeling her muscles pull. Leaning her upper body forward, she answered nonchalantly, "The New Directions' lead's".

The reaction was definitely not the one she was expecting. You could hear a pin drop in the silence that her words ensued. Carrie, Giselle, Anthony, Henry and even Chris stopped everything they were doing and looked at each other before turning to stare at the Filipina.

"You funkified **Rachel Berry**?" Giselle asked carefully, memory flashing back to Jesse's vicious reaction to last year. When Sunshine nodded and grinned, she looked almost pitifully at the younger girl. "Kid, I'm so thankful I'm not you".

Carrie, Anthony and Henry nodded fervently, and Sunshine looked confused at them. "What do you mean?"

"Darling, you just signed yourself up for a term of demanding rehearsals and vicious critiques", Chris said. Sunshine scoffed.

"I think I'm used to that by now", she gloated, rolling her eyes.

"Believe me, you're not. Jesse learnt from the best. And no one was better at finding flaws in perfect performances and drawing blood from her performers than Shelby Corcoran", Carrie piped up.

Sunshine scoffed again. "It'll be worth it. Rachel Berry deserved what I did to her".

Goolsby walked in the auditorium at that moment and narrowed his eyes when heard his now former lead mentioning Rachel Berry. Jesse had told him that someone from VA had leaked the news of their meeting to a student of McKinley who kept a blog extremely well-visited by the school's student body, and Goolsby had assured him they would find out who had done that. "Is everyone here? I have an announcement to make", Goolsby called out, startling the latest addition.

"Yes, Coach", Chris said, looking around the auditorium. The team members gathered on stage, but a quick look told Chris Jesse hadn't arrived yet. "Jesse is missing, Coach. You want me to ring him?"

"No. St. James already knows what this is about", Goolsby took his place on his desk on the middle of the audience. Leaning back, he took notice of the curiosity in Sunshine's eyes. Staring straight at her, he began to talk. "As many of you are aware, Jesse St. James has graduated last year and the person we brought in to replace him has failed so far to deliver a performance as stellar as expected of the Vocal Adrenaline lead". Sunshine's face flamed while the others nodded and hummed in agreement. "So, I have been secretly scoping out the competition in search of our new lead and I made an offer to the one I deemed was the best candidate. The person asked for some time to consider my proposition and I honestly thought it would be politely refused. But it turns out I was wrong and got an answer today. As from Monday, we have a new lead in Vocal Adrenaline".

Selfishly, and maybe even immaturely, Goolsby got a kick out of seeing Sunshine's face blanch like death was in her heels. He personally had nothing against the girl, she was a very good singer, but Vocal Adrenaline hadn't become a four-time-consecutive National champion show choir based solely on voices. They were the perfect mix of singing and dancing and unfortunately for Sunshine she lacked severely on the dancing part. He noticed the girl's mouth opening and closing, and he smiled politely at her. "Yes, Corazon? Do you have anything you want to say?"

To Sunshine's credit, she closed her mouth with a loud snap, snapped "No, coach" through gritted teeth and focused on warming up for the rehearsal. Goolsby sat back with a pleased smile and gave his pupils a few more minutes before launching into work. "Coach Goolsby?" Carrie Williams asked, a hint of curiosity into her tone.

"Yes?"

"Why is the new lead coming only Monday to rehearsal?"

"She asked to have the week to handle the transference and also to prepare better. She's aware of how grueling and demanding being a Vocal Adrenaline lead is. So I agreed. She'll be here first thing Monday and she demanded to be treated like any new member. She'll even audition if any of you wish. Now from the top".

* * *

**R**elief coursed through Rachel's veins when she walked out of McKinley High towards Jesse's Range Rover. It was done. She was out. Now all she needed was to go home and talk to her fathers about transferring to Carmel, which would not come as a surprise considering both Hiram and Leroy had been hinting at it for a while now.

"You sounded beautiful", Jesse said, slinging his arm over Rachel's shoulders. "It's New Directions' loss to neglect such a brilliant performer like you", he whispered, pressing a tender kiss to her temple. Rachel rewarded him with a bright and genuine smile and wrapped her arm around his waist.

"Thank you", she whispered, her fingers squeezing gently where they met his skin. A small chuckle escaped his lips and he flinched slightly, making Rachel wide her eyes and smirk teasingly. "Are you ticklish here, Jesse?" She asked, her fingers dancing lightly against his skin.

"N-no", Jesse stammered, struggling to contain his chuckles. Rachel giggled and moved her fingers quickly, laughing triumphantly at the snort that escaped Jesse's lips.

"Yes, you are!" She said, a gleeful squeak leaving her lips as she dug her fingers more lightly on his wool-covered flesh. Something akin to a giggle escaped his lips, and she laughed, pressing her digits to his waist and her body to the side of his. Between squeals and laughter, they shifted so that she was boxed between the Range Rover's side and Jesse's long, lean body. Both breathless, their eyes met and locked and the air around them crackled with electricity. _Kiss me_, she thought, desperately, the pink, wet tip of her tongue coming to slide over suddenly dry lips.

Clenching his eyes shut and biting back a lustful moan, he rested his forehead against hers and took a deep breath. _Not now. Not yet_. Opening the blue-grey pools, he smiled and tucked a lock of chocolate-colored hair behind her ear. "Let's get away this weekend. You're still alone at home, right?" He asked, and she nodded, uncertainly. "My family has this beautiful lake cabin that no one is using right now. It'll be great for you to take some days to relax and enjoy yourself".

Biting her lip, she nodded hesitantly, a big smile curving his lips as he hugged her tight. Something told him this was going to be awesome – not only for her, but for **them**.


	16. Fifteen

**Ellie's Author's Note: **Hey, guys. Sorry. I took forever, Julie was a trooper and gave me a kick. I worked really hard on my part of this chapter as did the amazing Julie. Round of applause for her! Anyways, I'm shamelessly plugging a story here. Check out TalkingToTulips' 'All The Way To The Top' which she adopted from me, she's doing a great job!

**Julie's Author's Note: **My darlings, I'm so sorry for the prolonged absence. Real life has been crazy with me studying for the bar exam, my laptop finally taking his long-delayed last breath and me having to throw a little fit so Father lent me his for my use until I could buy a new one (I have already bought it and it's supposed to arrive next week. Fingers crossed!).

**and I owe it all to you**

_Fifteen_

**I**t had been more than seven months since Hiram and Leroy Berry came home to find their only daughter, their little star, laughing and having fun with her friends. Ever since the devastating, heartbreaking end of her apparently perfect, endgame relationship with Carmel senior and Vocal Adrenaline leader Jesse St. James (a breakup the two men still had no idea what the reasons for were), they had gotten used to receive voicemails from her daughter, explaining that she wouldn't be home for she'd spend a few hours hanging out with her boyfriend.

(Now, they had nothing palpable against Finn Hudson, but lately their little girl had been changing her great personality, and they had an inkling it had to do with Finn Hudson and his destined-for-nothing self. Call it a parental intuition).

So imagine their surprise when they arrived home that evening and found, parked in their driveway, not only a black Range Rover they knew quite well (Hiram squealed, really **squealed**, when he saw the glossy car), and a beat-up truck that had Leroy frowning in puzzlement. Noah and Rachel had grown up together, but as middle school rolled into high school years and Rachel grew into their driven, Broadway-bound child while Noah turned from a sullen little boy into an angry young man, their childhood friendship became a bitter feud that had often left Rachel in pained tears.

"What are Jesse and Noah doing here?" Leroy asked aloud, sharing a puzzled glance with his husband, who shrugged.

"Leroy", he said softly, placing a hand on his husband's forearm, eyes wide and worried as they stared into his, "please, don't overthink this. Rachel's home and has friends over. It's **good**", he emphasized the last word, knowing his partner had, as had Hiram himself, noticed something was off with their only child. The sound of teenage overjoyed laughter mixed with a sensuous, deep beat filtered through the closed door, muffled by the thick wood. Rachel's thrilled laugh made Leroy's features soften a bit – something that would escape other eyes, but not Hiram's, used that he was to reading the moods of his life partner. It had been so long since they had heard that sound, that genuine, carefree laugh that was so contagious and precious – and Leroy nodded as he pulled the door open and stepped into the foyer.

They could hear Jesse's and Noah's muffled voices, singing along to Rachel's new idol, soulful singer Adele, a small smile curving their lips as they closed the door quietly behind them and went to the living room. Leaning against the doorway, the two men gaped a little at the scene that greeted them.

Rachel had pulled aside the coffee table in the living room, clearing some space, and now stood with Noah's arms wrapped around her slim waist as she tried to teach him some ballroom dance step, singing along softly, a brilliant grin on her lips as Noah exaggeratedly twirled her around and dipped her low, her silky hair brushing against the carpet as her long, toned leg went up behind Noah's back. A young Latina was sitting Indian-style on the couch, laughing at Noah's frown of focus and whistling in appreciation, telling Rachel she should have tried out for the Cheerios. Jesse leaned against a wall watching the scene unfold with a smirk, his eyes never leaving Rachel's form as she slid up, Noah visibly struggling with the deliberate moves of the dance and the sensual side that ballroom dancing brought out of Rachel. Suddenly, the older boy pushed away from his spot against the wall and swiftly pulled Rachel from Noah's arms, gracefully twirling her into his arms before dipping her low again, this time with a graceful finesse, Rachel's shiny dark hair brushing against the carpeted floor as she squealed and laughed, her fingers clenching slightly on Jesse's shoulder.

"And **that**'s how you dip a lady, my friend", Jesse said smugly over the music, eyes locking with Rachel's as he pulled her up, their bodies brushing together. Something in their dynamic changed then, going from the easygoing, playful manner to a deep, crackling tension as Jesse started dancing with Rachel for real, the former couple never losing eye contact. Noah and the other girl exchanged an impressed, knowing look, the girl whistling in appreciation as the song – and the dance – came to a crescendo.

When it finally ended, the sound of cheers flooded the room, and the voices of Rachel's fathers startled the teenagers, Rachel's cheeks, pink from the exertion – and her skin tingling all over where Jesse's body pressed against her – taking an even pinker shade as she looked down, a small smile curving her lips.

"Dad! Daddy!" Rachel exclaimed, panting from the demanding dance, Jesse letting go from her, a sheepish smirk on his handsome face.

"Hey, baby", Leroy said as he placed a small kiss on her head. "Noah, Jesse, nice to see you guys. It's been a while. Especially you, Jesse. How is UCLA treating you?"

"Mr. Leroy", Jesse smiled as he held his hand out to Leroy, quickly doing the same to Hiram, who hugged him quickly. "Mr. Hiram. Long time no see, sirs", he said as he stepped aside to allow Rachel to soak in her fathers' affections. Both men were smiling widely at him, a clear sign that they were unaware of the way his previous relationship with Rachel had come to an end – her secrecy about the real reason of their breakup unsurprising to him, given that she had been keeping something way more harmful from them, trying, he knew, to protect them from hurt the best way she knew how. "It was okay. A handful of ditzy blondes convinced they'll be the next Lindsay Lohan or whatever. But I've decided to move back home. Vocal Adrenaline made me an offer I couldn't possibly refuse".

"Oh? Well, we should talk about it over dinner. You're all invited", Leroy said, smiling pointedly at the other teenager girl, who had been standing awkwardly around, watching their conversation, Noah having sat down with the comfort of their longtime friendship with his mother.

"Jesse, Noah!" Hiram laid his briefcase on the couch and smiled at the two boys before turning to Santana. "You're in Rachel's glee club, aren't you?" Hiram asked her, who startled and nodded shyly. "You have a great voice, young lady. I really liked your version of _Valerie_. Rachel had said your talents are much underused on the club, but I thought she was exaggerating. I was glad to be mistaken".

The Latina blushed and ducked her head, a meek thank you escaping her lips. "I can't stay. Papi has called wanting to know where I am already", she said apologetically to the two men. "Raincheck?"

"I can't either, Misters Berry", Noah said apologetically after a quick glance on his cell phone's clock. "Ma has the night shift today and Nana Connie went to visit Aunt Alice, so I have to go home before Ma leaves so Nina won't be left alone", he explained, and the men nodded, looking a little bit disappointed. "Rach, care to walk us outside?" He asked, eyes full of unspoken words; with a resigned sigh, she nodded and, after they bid farewell to her fathers and to Jesse, followed Noah and Santana to Noah's truck. Once there, he turned to her. "You're telling them tonight?" He prodded, softly.

She shook her head negatively. "No… Not today". Her fingers involuntarily found the hem of her sleeve, tugging it unconsciously over her newly-healed scars. "I'm… I'm not ready", she confessed. "Plus we'll be discussing the whole transfer to Carmel. I think adding that to the shock of my transfer will be a little too much".

Noah scowled. "Rachel-"

"Puckerman, back off", Santana cut him, a fierce protection in her voice. "Rach knows what she's doing. If she doesn't want to tell the daddies tonight, don't pressure her. _No sea estúpido_", she finished in Spanish, rolling her eyes and pulling a surprised Rachel into a hug. "Don't be a stranger, Berry. And go kick those Vocal Adrenaline's asses into shape, 'kay?" She said gruffly, smiling slightly at Rachel's fierce nod. Her phone rang and with a quick glance at her phone she cursed in Spanish again. "It's papi. Puckerman, move your ass, c'mon".

Puck sighed and pulled Rachel in his arms as Santana hopped into the truck, pushing her a little away so he could look into her eyes. "You take care of yourself, okay? Call me as soon as you get home from your weekend with St. James". He pressed a tender little kiss on her lips, nothing sexual into it, just a caress of his lips over hers. "I love you, Baby B".

Rachel giggled a little, a thin mist of tears pooling in her eyes. Noah used to call her Baby B when they were kids; it was his special name for her and it warmed her heart to hear him use it now. Placing a warm hand on his cheek, she pressed a tender kiss on the opposite one, pressing her forehead to his temple. "I love you too, Noah".

Clearing his throat roughly – and blinking away the few tears that had pooled in his eyes – Puck kissed her forehead again and jumped into the truck, driving away after one last honk. Rachel took her time on the short walk back home. Now that her mind was made, she was coming to realize how much she would miss Santana and, especially, Noah. They had made the last few days in McKinley bearable, and now she was moving away to a school where she knew no one, and the one person she knew was one she had crossed earlier that year. "Oh, boy", she muttered as she stepped into the foyer, rushing straight into a strong chest and losing her footing a bit.

Delicately toned arms wrapped themselves around her waist, helping her stay up on her feet, and a small smile curved her lips when her brown eyes met Jesse's concerned blue-grey pools. "Are you okay?" He asked quietly, eyes scanning every inch of her frail face in search for something that would tell him she wasn't ready for the Vocal Adrenaline. But the girl who was smiling slightly at him, while a little tired and visibly rattled from her emotional last few days, nodded, looking a little more composed, a tiny step closer to the Rachel Berry he met and fell in love with close to a year ago.

"I'm fine", she promised, kissing his chin gently. "Let's have dinner? I'm sure dad and daddy are waiting".

* * *

**D**inner had gone great, just like Rachel remembered it used to be when she and Jesse were dating. Conversation flowed easily between her fathers and Jesse, never a moment of uncomfortable silence. Rachel was sure her fathers had picked up on the fact that, when they walked into the dining room, she and Jesse were holding hands, and had chosen to sit side by side on the table, but they thankfully chose not to mention it.

Once they were done with dinner, the foursome moved their conversation to the living room, where Jesse had already helped Rachel move the center table back to its original place. Once everyone was settled and there was a lull in conversation, Rachel took a deep, fortifying breath and exchanged a frightened glance with Jesse, who nodded and squeezed her hand reassuringly.

"Dad… Daddy…" Her voice was uncertain and scared, and both Hiram and Leroy immediately picked up on that. Brows furrowed with concern, they focused their attention on their only daughter. Jesse took her hands in his, and the action seemed to strengthen her just a little. "Something… amazing… happened this week", she said quietly. Hiram's eyes lit up and he squeaked.

"You two are back together?" He asked eagerly, leaning forward in anticipation. Leroy's eyed widened as they fixed on Rachel; meanwhile, Rachel herself had blushed deeply, while Jesse forced down a chuckle.

"No!" She rebuffed anxiously. "No, we're not… We haven't reconciled, daddy. Dustin Goolsby, current coach for Vocal Adrenaline, offered me Jesse's former position within their team". She took a deep breath. "I've decided I want to take it".

A small, shocked gasp escaped Hiram's lips. For years now Rachel had a spot reserved for her in Carmel, should she want to take it, since it was a private school and most likely the best school within their district. They had been reluctant at first to talk Rachel into taking the spot and transferring to Carmel, and that reluctance grew into opposition once they realized Shelby was teaching there.

Now that she was gone to only God knew where, however, things were different. It wasn't a secret that Rachel was frequently unhappy and disappointed with the way William Schuester dealt with things within New Directions. Rachel was clearly their best singer, unrivaled since she could sing from Billboard Top 10's hits to old Broadway showtunes (the Berry men never claimed to be unbiased), but she was often overlooked and snubbed, most recently in Sectionals. While Santana had sung quite decently, Quinn Fabray had sounded almost childish on her lead for '(I've Had) The Time of My Life', a song the Berry men were incredibly fond of.

"Are you sure, sweetheart?" Leroy asked carefully. "It's going to be quite a change in pace for you".

The young girl nodded firmly. "I am. Mr. Goolsby – I mean, **Coach **Goolsby has been extremely understanding of my circumstances within New Directions. He even gave me the rest of the week off so I could relax and rest before auditioning to VA".

Hiram frowned. "He wants you to audition?"

"Goolsby is giving in to Rachel's condition. She'll only join if she's allowed to audition. She wants to win that spot fair and square", Jesse rolled his eyes fondly, his opinion of Rachel's condition clear. "He told me she is the only one he sees capable of keeping VA's winning streak. He sees the star potential in her. And Vocal Adrenaline is the only show choir in the district capable of helping her develop even further that potential", he explained.

Leroy made a noncommittal grunt, nodding slightly. Reaching out to take Hiram's hand in his, he turned to his clearly anxious daughter. "You know your daddy and I will need to discuss this further. You're three months within the new school term, and Carmel isn't an easy school in terms of school work and exams. Are you sure you want to transfer?"

Rachel nodded. "It's an incredible opportunity". A humorless smile curved her lips. "And, if I'm being honest, VA is maybe my ticket to the big leagues of the National Show Choir Circuit".

Leroy sighed and locked eyes with his partner, having a silent conversation in front of Rachel. After another sigh and a hesitant nod from Leroy, Hiram turned to their child, grinning. "Okay", he said simply.

"Okay?" Rachel repeated, disbelief in her voice. Hiram nodded, and a overjoyed squeal escaped her lips as she threw herself on her fathers, kissing and hugging them tightly. A big grin curved Jesse's lips as he relaxed in the couch. She then whirled herself at him, hugging him tightly. "I'm going to Carmel!" She whispered against his chest, and he laughed.

"You are, baby", he replied quietly, a proud smile on her face. Arms still wrapped around her, he looked up and met her fathers' knowing eyes, looking at them in a way that made his heart flutter and blood to flush into his cheeks. "Hiram, Leroy, would it be okay if I took Rachel for a weekend away at my family cabin by the lake?"

Leroy narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, clearly to veto him, but Hiram prevented him from saying anything by asking, "You'll take care of her?"

"Of course", Jesse promised, honestly.

"Then you have our permission. Cell phones have signal on the cabin, right?" At Jesse's confirmative nod, he clapped his hands. "Then it's settled. Sweetheart, you keep that cell phone with you all times, and make sure to call us at least once a day to let us know you're alright, okay?"

* * *

**R**achel hopped out the range rover, taking in the sight of the lake reservoir, the trees surrounding it hiding the water and the cabin beside its edge. It was the size of her house, maybe a tiny bit bigger. Jesse swung his arm around her shoulder as she stared at the wood log cabin.

"You are looking at the St James cabin retreat, my parents come here... never, I come here with my aunt and uncle in the summers, my cousins use it as a base for parties without being caught, and it's ours for the next two days", he announced, shaking some keys in one hand with a smirk.

"You need a break, being the lead of Vocal Adrenaline can be hard, and it'll be harder still for you, Rachel. You're not used to our... Some may say **extreme** methods, and you're already overwhelmed and exhausted, especially after everything that's happened with the New Directions debacle". Rachel grimaced slightly at the mention of her old glee club and Jesse sighed heavily, knowing they were a bit of sore spot for her. She might have been treated like crap and not received her due, but she had basically created and breathed life into the New Directions, and it had to have hurt her to watch the club become the very thing it was created for: to escape the hurtful comments and daily torture of public school.

Undeterred by his slipup, Jesse decided to quickly get things back on track and make Rachel smile again before she let poisonous thoughts linger. He placed his hand that was holding her shoulder over his heart and spoke in a ceremonious and formal tone for the next sentence. "So I, Jesse St James, being of sound mind and fabulous hair, hereby decree it my personal mission to make sure you spend the weekend away from all that drama, and relax a little. So I got the keys from my Aunt", he nodded pointedly to the cabin. "What do you think?" He asked her with a chuckle at her wonderstruck face, pulling her closer.

Rachel's breath had stopped, not only because the wooden mansion in front of her, but also because of the feel of Jesse so close to her, his skin brushing against hers in a comforting caress that made her crave more and blushed slightly, blood coloring her cheeks a rosy red hue, a shade on her olive skin that made Jesse smile.

"I think it's beautiful", she muttered in reply with a warm and embarrassed smile as she slowly and reluctantly unwound herself from his grasp and walked over to the small pier, walking to the edge. Jesse smirked at his achievements and followed her onto the wooden structure.

Rachel kicked off her Mary Janes, flung them casually behind her and lowered herself slowly to sit on the edge of the pier, eyes on the lake as she did. She propped herself up on her hands, her palms on either side of her thighs, that as per usual were covered by a skirt. On the edge of the fabric, one could see the shadows of her scars but they weren't too noticeable. Rachel let her toes dip into the crystal clear, seemingly untouched water, her toes breaking the surface first and creating ripples that expanded like shockwaves around her flesh.

Jesse watched from a safe distance for a couple seconds, smiling at how delicate she looked perched over the water's edge to watch it move and ripple with the disturbance she'd brought on the peaceful lake. He slowly joined her on the edge of the pier, not joining her feet in the water but sitting down with his legs folded in an awkward half crossed position to keep himself from getting his shoes or jeans wet. That would be tragic.

"It's so quiet here", Rachel commented, scanning the surrounding woodlands and clear blue sky before looking at him with a warm smile. "You could hide up here and nobody would ever know you were gone". She suggested meekly with a weak giggle at the end of the sentence. Jesse let out a chuckle and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, curling his arm protectively around the girl as if the light wind might try and harm her.

"You know we'd both go mad without people around us to bask in the glory of our talents", he replied. "Plus my cousins would nick it from us to throw some party for everyone in Akron with booze or drugs, get arrested and ultimately grounded for the rest of the month a couple hours later. Again". He rolled his eyes. "Twins. What you gonna do?" He asked rhetorically. Rachel giggled.

"I don't have cousins or any siblings, or any family members that don't work or aren't in their rocking chairs, so I don't know", she pointed out. Jesse tilted his head in consideration of that point.

"Be glad, they're terrible", he advised. "A brother and a sister, twin cousins and another one on the way. It's always crowded at my aunt's at Christmas. I'm usually starved, especially with the twins thinking that it's one turkey per person", he pointed out with a mock pout at his yuletide celebration misfortunes.

"Only when you have them are they terrible", Rachel replied with finality. "It's probably brought on by the trauma of having you as a cousin or brother", she chuckled, using her toes to flick water towards the center of the lake, the droplets raining on the calm, still surface of the water.

"I'll trade you. You can have my sister and I'll also pay you hundred bucks".

"No".

"Two hundred bucks?"

"No. Stop trying to sell your sister to me, Jesse, you despicable fiend of a brother".

"I have my reasons! I'll have you know that my sister is an evil mastermind whose sole mission in life is to make me miserable. She makes up stuff to get me in trouble and steals my hair gel!" He complained. Rachel chuckled at his stories and rested her head on his shoulder to 'console' him.

"Are you sure you should be selling such a gem for such a little price?" She joked. Jesse snorted and rolled his eyes. "To be honest, I don't see why **she** hasn't sold **you** yet", she jibed, poking him in the ribs lightly. He gasped dramatically and put a hand over his heart in mock shock. Rachel pulled away, giggling.

"That hurts, Rach", he told her, shaking his head.

"Get over it, St James", she told him as she bent down to collect some water in her cupped hands and fling it at Jesse's face. He gasped at the coldness and squeezed his eyes shut to stop it getting in his eyes. The pair froze for a few seconds to see how he would react and shared a reaction. Rachel let out a giggle.

"The drowned-rat look works on you, Jess", she commented between chuckles. A couple seconds later, Rachel was equally drenched in the ice cold water of the lake and gasped as it ran down her back. Jesse laughed loudly from where he stood, leaning towards the water at her response. Rachel furrowed her brow and shoved Jesse's shoulder, causing him to lose balance and topple into the water.

Not before he grabbed Rachel's forearm and tugged her with him, though.

"You unimaginable bastard!" Rachel squealed as her head broke the surface of the water, her hands flicking out to splash Jesse who was still laughing, letting the water hit him square in the face. He shoved some water towards her halfheartedly before swimming towards her. He took her waist in his hands, his feet touching the bank of the lake as he held her close, pushing some drenched brunette hair away from her face.

"You know you love me", he told her softly.

Rachel blushed bright red at his words and ducked her head to hide her reddening cheeks; Jesse chuckled and ran a hand through his sopping locks, flicking the excess water droplets at Rachel, who blinked in surprise. She caught his eyes and smiled softly again, not moving her eyes down or away from his as they stared at each other, chuckling every few seconds until the laughter died down and there was silence.

In months to come, the pair would argue constantly on who initiated the kiss, who was first to press their lips against the other party and pull them close. The right answer is probably both of them, but they wouldn't admit that on their deathbeds. Either way, their lips met a few seconds later, igniting a spark that had resided in both of them for a year since their last lips had met and lighting up their senses once more.

Jesse cupped Rachel's waist in his hands and pulled her against his body in the ice cold water so they were pressed against each other, impossibly close. Rachel tangled her hands in Jesse's dripping locks and used them to keep his lips against hers, his tongue sliding across her bottom lip, begging for them to part. She granted such an entrance and his tongue slipped past her teeth to explore her mouth, get reacquainted with the sensations it brought on his mind and body.

Unfortunately a few seconds, conscious thought and mind kicked in once more and Rachel realized what was happening and where she was and who she was with. She pulled away from Jesse in shock and blinked a couple of times, Jesse himself furrowing his brow in confusion. She blushed deep red and ducked her head once more, before turning away from him and began to swim towards the water's edge. She pulled herself up onto land with her arms against the embankment, dragging her clothes against the muddy side of the lake and slowly straightening herself up before starting shivering towards the unopened car to grab a towel.

Jesse watched her leave and closed his eyes in disappointment at himself, kicking himself at how stupid he'd been to, for want of a better word, have taken advantage of her like that. He groaned and ran a hand through his hair before starting towards the water's edge himself. He walked to the house and opened the door, starting inside before Rachel could turn from the car to see him disappear inside the house.


	17. Sixteen

**Julie's Author's Note:** Darlings, I apologize greatly for the delay on updating. I have been busy like hell studying to my bar exam (which I failed, because of matters out of my control), then my muse for this gem went MIA for a while – she actually went MIA altogether, as you can tell for my lack of updates to all my stories. Finally, today, I got fed up with her and, after kicking her sorry ass awake (and being scolded by Ellie), she produced this extremely short chapter that Ellie convinced me to post anyway, short as it is. Thank you for your continuous support, and I want to know if you guys are thinking! Never forget to review.

Oh, and before I forget – Jesse being back to coach Vocal Adrenaline? I called it *smug grin*.

**Ellie's Author's Note:***sits and stares at the keyboard* Don't really know what to put here, because I didn't write anything. Julie took this and it's beautiful, so I refused to change it or take away from it. I'll be back in the next chapter though, I promise. *two fingered salute* Round of applause and flowers for my lovely co-author.

Oh, and thanks for all the lovely reviews, they're amazingly inspiring.

We love you all and you should all be proud of yourselves, so stand tall and remember: COURAGE.

**Disclaimer:** The song is Pink's version of Adam Lambert's hit _Whataya Want From Me_, with a itty bitty change.

**and I owe it all to you**

_Sixteen_

**O**nce she was safely inside the cabin, Rachel did the cliché slide down to the floor with her back pressed to the front door, her legs shaking so badly she didn't think she could take one step further. Her lips were tingling from Jesse's kiss, her heart was racing and her hands were trembling.

She had forgotten how strongly she reacted to his kisses. It was scary that, after all those months, he still could affect her like that, but at the same time… It was relieving. And, if she could be honest with her, exciting.

It felt good, to have that kind of rush from something other the contact of a blade against her skin.

A small, unconscious smile curved her mouth as she raised her hand and skimmed her fingers lightly against the frail skin of her lips. She closed her eyes, a deep sigh escaping her. It was good… Awesome, even… But, at the same time, terrifying.

She wasn't in a good place. She knew that. She had many issues to work through, with herself and with her now former teammates and, also, with Jesse. They had rushed into a relationship the first time, falling in love deeply and quickly, but when it ended, it had crashed and burned and it had been crippling for her. It had left her emotionally scarred, the loss of the one support and friendship she had against all the emotional abuse she was put through by Schuester and the members of New Directions.

His departure had left her devastated, and she knew that. And she knew he was aware of it too. She also knew she wasn't ready to jump back into their relationship like nothing had happened, picking up from where they had left it. Too many things had changed between them; for the moment, he had stepped into a role of her protector and supporter, and she knew a romance couldn't last if support wasn't mutual. She was leaning on him more than he was on her, and she needed to work on standing on her own feet before being his girlfriend again.

But, if there was something she was sure of concerning her love life, it was that, once she was ready to be in a relationship, she wanted it to be with one Jesse St. James.

But how could she ask him to hold on and wait for her? Her mind was racing with possibilities, but then one struck. A small smile curved her lips and, feeling her legs firmer, she stood up and went to find the closest bathroom.

* * *

**J**esse took his time – and gave Rachel time – to get inside the cabin. He knew she was nowhere near the right state of mind for them to pick up the pieces of their shattered relationship, and they couldn't carry on from where they left things off. Things had happened, talks needed to happen and issues needed to be sorted out before they could begin patching their epic romance. She needed to be the Rachel Berry he had met and fallen in love with, and it would take a while for that amazing girl to climb her way out of layers of doubts, hurt and heartbreaks.

The sun was already setting down when Jesse had put his thoughts into an apparent organized stream. Sighing, he patted his humid pants somewhat clean of the dirt that had clung to the fabric and walked towards the front door. Once he reached the porch, the insecurity that never ceased to consume him since the ill-fated _Run, Joey, Run_ video reared its ugly head up, plaguing him with thoughts of how he had screwed things up with Rachel before they had even started.

_Fuck that_, he said, squaring his shoulders as he ran a hand through his slightly wet hair. _I'm fucking Jesse St. James, I can talk to the woman I love without freaking out like a pussy_. With a deep breath, he tried the doorknob, relief creeping up his spine when the door creaked open. The house was eerily quiet, and he found it incredibly awkward – silence would never be something he would associate with Rachel. "Rach?" He called out, walking in the house and noticing the living room's lights were on. "Rach? You there?"

Once he walked into his aunt and uncle's lushly decorated living room, he halted, surprised and – he could admit it – slightly aroused. Rachel had decked out of her sweater, standing in the middle of warm living room on her burgundy-and-ivory checkered skirt and beige tank top. Her hair had dried somehow, falling in messy but gentle waves down her slim shoulders, and her arms were skittered with light pink and red gashes – pride swelled inside of him as she stood in front of him with her gashes uncovered for his eyes to see.

He opened his mouth to speak, but one of her fingers coming up and pressing against her full, pink lips (her sweet lips that always felt so delicious against his own) silenced him. They looked at each other for a long, seemingly endless moment, before Rachel finally spoke. "I need to tell you something, and you need to listen, okay? Pay attention. I mean every word".

He nodded silently, walking around the shiny black leather couch to come settle down on its plush seats. Once he was seated, the beautiful brunette in front of him took a deep breath and opened her mouth to sing (of course. Rachel was her music).

_Hey… Slow it down – what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

_Yeah, I'm afraid – what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

_There might have been a time when I would give myself away_

_Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn_

_But, now, here we are_

_So what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

Jesse's eyes widened as he recognized the song. He loved Adam Lambert's version of it, being a fan of the guy and recognizing a fellow drama queen – or king, if such thing existed – but he had no idea Rachel was aware of him. She wasn't exactly the type of girl to listen to Top 40 radio stations, and he had no idea that particular song was a part of Rachel's or New Directions' repertoire.

But the song's lyrics hit him particularly hard. Rachel never ceased to choose songs that were spot on with her feelings, and, if he wasn't reading her incorrectly (and if his memory served him right), while this song seemed extremely harsh at first, it was also deeply hopeful – not only to her, but to him too, and to them as a couple.

_Just don't give up – I'm working it out_

_Please don't give in – I won't let you down_

_They messed me up, need a second to breathe_

_Just keep coming around_

_Hey, what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

A small smile curved his lips as his intuition was confirmed right, and his heart fluttered a little bit as Rachel slowly left her spot and crossed the space between them, coming to stand in front of him, in between his knees. Her hand came up to cup his cheek, her slightly cool fingers lightly caressing his cheekbone as a soft smile curved her lips.

_Hey, it's plain to see that, baby, you're beautiful_

_And there's nothing wrong with you_

_Yeah, it's me – I'm a freak_

_But thanks for loving me, cause you're doing it perfectly_

_There might have been a time when I would let you slip away_

_I wouldn't even try, but I think you could save my life_

As she sang, she twisted her arm slightly so the light of the setting sun hit on one of her scars, which was more faded than the others. Impulsive, he turned his face just right to press a small kiss to the tender, pinkish skin, feeling the softening edges of the scars against his lips. Her eyes filled with tears at his sweet gesture, but the smile never faded from her face.

_So just don't give up, I'm working it out_

_Please don't give in, I won't let you down_

_They messed me up, need a second to breathe_

_Just keep coming around_

_So what do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me…?_

Two tears trickled down her cheeks, Rachel's voice getting a little thicker as emotion overcame her and she wrapped up the song. Once she silenced, Jesse slowly wrapped his arms around Rachel's waist, pulling her down to his lap. She went quite willingly, curling on his knees and pressing her face against his neck. Her message was glaringly obvious and, as he rubbed his hand softly against her back, he pressed a light kiss to her temple.

"Okay", he whispered. "Okay".


	18. Seventeen

**Ellie's Author Note:** So the late reply is my fault, I had major writer's block and I was busy but the lovely Julie got me through it and I'm very grateful to have her as my wifey and co-author. The last couple months have been a bit topsy turvy for us but we're going to try and churn out chapters faster now, except for time like exam season and stuff like that. I hope we haven't upset you all too much by not updating for months on end and that'll you take us back. Please? *puppy dog face*

Thanks in advance for all reviews and feedback, your reviews are what makes writing this story worth it.

**Julie's Author Note: **I apologize greatly for the delay in this update, but, as Ellie said, the last few months have been crazy for us, especially for me. As most of you know, I've been engaged since May to my boyfriend (we're together for more than a year now). In November 15th, I found out I was pregnant with our first child; weeks later, in late December, we found out through a blood test that it was a little girl (they determine the gender of the child through the levels of hormones in your blood, apparently). After the holidays, where we told my mother and the rest of my family about it (with mixed reactions), we went to my father's city to spend some vacation days my fiancé had coming up; while there, I got sick with dengue fever.

Dengue fever is this Brazilian disease whose symptons include fever during the mornings, body aches, full-body chills in the afternoons and headaches. It feels remarkably like flu, and the only way to kick it is to allow your body to fight it on its own. I've had it once before and as soon as I recognized the symptons, I told my father and my fiancé, and they immediately checked me into a hospital (they didn't want to take any chances). Unfortunately to all of us, we had no idea dengue fever wasn't a pregnancy-friendly disease. Since I was so early in my pregnancy (I was a few days short of my third month), I miscarried my daughter in the first week of January.

It has been a difficult, painful time for me and for my fiancé. I even lost it a bit immediately after. Then my fiancé lost it a little too. We're recovering and living one day at a time. We have good and bad days, but this only made us stronger as people and as a couple. I'd like to thank my beautiful co-author for all the support, love and infinite patience she has had with me throughout this entire ordeal. Also, thank you for Ashley (gleek06216) and Ann (northstar61) for their support and kind words. You guys have helped me in ways I'll never be able to repay. I love you. Ash, this chapter is for you, since yesterday was your birthday. I know I've said it already, but happy birthday! Wow, this was a long note. I hope you like the chapter. Don't forget to drop us a review.

**and I owe it all to you**

_Seventeen_

**T**he next days were spent in quietness and peace for the two young friends. After Rachel sang about her feelings for Jesse, and having him thankfully understand what she tried to say (he always did, even when it hurt him to do so; they were always at the same wavelength, it seemed), they spent the subsequent days hiking, cooking, singing and talking. She called her fathers every day, as she had promised, because she knew they would grow panicked if she failed to call. She and Jesse also talked a lot. Jesse told Rachel all about growing up being the youngest, unexpected child of very rich and very absent parents, how they lavished him with attention while neglecting his two older siblings, who in turn grew to hate the younger brother that arrived suddenly to steal the already weak spotlight away from them with his talent, looks and charm. Rachel told Jesse about growing up in a hell-hole like Lima, so narrow-minded that two homosexual men were still bullied despite being exemplary citizens. She also told him about the first time she turned to cutting as a stress reliever for her messy feelings concerning... well, everything.

_At first, she did it accidentally. You see, Rachel when anxious had the habit to bend paper clips out of their original shape and turn them into one long line of iron. The night before Sectionals, when her mind was filled of doubts about, well, everything: from their set-lists to whether it was a winning move to have given up the ballad solo so Mercedes could have it, to Finn and Quinn and Noah and their unresolved situation, to simple nerves. New Directions felt like her __child, she was the one to kick everything into gear by having Sandy Ryerson fired and talking Mr. Schuester into finding a strong male lead. She had breathed life into that group and now they were going all out for their first competition._

_ What if Mercedes freaked out and made some sort of mistake that could send everything they (_she_) had worked so hard for down the drain?_

_ What if Finn never came back and they couldn't find a replacement for her in time?_

_ What if, with Finn gone, Quinn decided to quit too? After all, she no longer would need to be worried with Finn being around and swayed away from her by Rachel. With Quinn gone, Noah would leave too, after all it was clear now he had joined just to keep an eye on the mother of his child. And it was possible that Michael and Matthew decided to leave too, since they had joined because Noah had... Also, Quinn leaving meant Santana and Brittany would leave too..._

_ That would leave their original five, no competitions, no chance of leaving the lowest link on the high school food chain, and, also, no other choice for her to stretch her performance muscles but MySpace. MySpace meant insulting, hurtful comments about her and her parents and how she needed to get lost..._

_ She felt a small biting pain on her hand and blinked down, hearing the tiny noise of metal falling on her floor. She turned her palm up and saw a tiny little droplet of blood bubbling on the smooth surface of her skin, her fingers having twisted the bent paperclip so much it broke and bit the skin of her palm. Sighing, she picked up the two pieces of metal and dropped them in a small trashcan by her desk on her way to her ensuite bathroom. Sitting on the tiled floor in front of her sink, she opened the small bathroom cabinet ahd pulled out the first aid kit she had neatly organized herself._

_ As she put a small piece of medical tape over the tiny cut, she realized with a startle that while she was busy doing that her mind had stopped whirling incessantly around everything that could go wrong the next day on Sectionals. An idea popped in her mind, but she reluctantly shoved it away, choosing to go to bed instead._

_ However, the next morning, before she left for McKinley and for the ride that would make or break the show choir she had so carefully helped built, she gave a quick glance to the nearly empty trashbin by her desk. Quickly looking to the door to make sure her daddies weren't anywhere in sight, she picked up the sharpest piece of metal and stowed it away inside the last drawer of her desk._

_ Just in case._

As Rachel talked, Jesse's heart was a jumble of feelings. He knew Rachel was a Type A personality just like himself, só it wasn't surprising that she was so torn up by the idea of her group failing without even trying. He felt pity for her, he felt pain, he felt worry. But at the same time, he felt hope. Rachel had sunk firstly into cutting because of her fears of failing, because she was the only one who truly cared about New Directions and had invested everything into making the group a success. If it disbanded, Quinn would still be somewhat popular, if anything because of Puckerman. Santana and Brittany would have the Cheerios. Hudson, Puckerman, Chang and Rutherford would have their sports. Hummel, Jones, Abrams and Cohen-Chang would have each other.

And what would Rachel have left?

Nothing.

She would be alone with her dreams and her ambition and with no escape route for her talent. Yes, she would get out of Lima. He stood by what he said, that it was inevitable, because it _was_. But, without New Directions, her high school life would be that much harder. Not that being the group's punching bag made it easier, but at least the performances and competitions were something to keep her going.

She was going to do so wonderfully in Vocal Adrenaline. He knew it.

His former team was also a subject they discussed. He told her about how he joined, how he rose to the top ("Unlike you, I wasn't offered the position, I had to fight tooth and nail for it, because my group was so talented, Shelby had to pick the cream of the crop to be lead", he told her, making her giggle when he smirked cockily) and just how demanding her new position of lead would be of her. "However", he said one day when they were sitting on the front porch, each cuddled underneath a thin blanket, the darkening light of twilight bathing them as they sat side by side, the only thing keeping the skin of their thighs to touch being the layers of clothing and the thin cotton of their blankets, "you have back up this time, Rach. Not only Goolsby has your back, but the seniors in the team – Carrie, Giselle, Anthony – are excited to work with you".

She looked doubtfully at him, her expressive eyes conveying all her disbelief, and Jesse laughed. "I'm serious. Why do you think you were the target of our funkification? You have star power, baby", he whispered secretively, lifting a hand to cup her cheek gently. She instinctively leaned into his touch, and he smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and then leant back. "They knew you were the one person to fear within that little band of misfits. New Directions rose to success, and rose fast, because of your talent, Rach. Since we couldn't sway you over to our side – believe me, if I felt I would be successful, I would have tried – we decided to do the next best thing".

She nodded silently, remembering the last time they had spoken to each other before the day he had found her hitting rock bottom, a few weeks ago. Pressing her face against his shoulder, she allowed her eyes to close, the cool breeze of the early evening caressing her skin gently. Everything was going so well she almost didn't want to go back to reality. It felt good to be there, to be protected and cared, to sing because she wanted to and not because she had to.

But, at the same, she had to admit she was excited for this new phase in her life. From what Jesse told her, in Vocal Adrenaline the lead worked closely with the coach (and now assistant coach too) when it came to song choices, choreography and routines. Solos were shared only in case of duets, and with the person the group considered the second best vocalist (when there was one, or couse). Auditions for solos didn't happen in Vocal Adrenaline; once picked, the lead was the only one to sing until he or she decided to give the position up (something that hasn't happened in nearly twenty years).

She couldn't wait to be able to share her views, suggestions and opinions with people that would respect her. Her excitement was so deep Jesse got used to find her curling on the couches or bed or by the lake with her pink notebook on her hands, her sparkly pink pen flying on the page as she made notes and lists and questions she would have to ask Goolsby once she took over the position. Jesse would smile proudly at her, seeing more and more glimpses of the old Rachel as the days went by, and this made him incredibly hopeful. Maybe their romantic reunion would happen sooner rather than later.

* * *

**W**hen Sunday came, Rachel was visibly less tense and so anxiously excited she was almost bouncing off the walls with nervous energy. Jesse would burst into laughter every now and then watching her, his heart feeling light every time she shyly smiled back, a light blush coloring her soft cheeks. The dull paleness had left her skin, their outdoors hiking and walks around the lake replacing it with a healthy dusky rose tone. She looked healthier, thankfully. He felt hopeful and confident in her future, and _their _future.

"I can't wait for my audition tomorrow", she whispered at him as they sat on the large windowsill of the living room's window, looking outside at the rising day. They were curled underneath a blanket, Rachel's silky hair waving down Jesse's shoulder as she pressed her temple against the soft fabric of his sweater. The position eerily reminded them both of the time they would spend in her house, cuddled together on her fathers' home theater room, watching movies and TV shows and the bootlegs Jesse had found on the internet. It felt... safe.

For such dramatic beings, both Jesse and Rachel felt incredibly uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Rachel's reserve was born from her being used to keep secret of her shameful stress reliever, and Jesse's was from how he was raised by his parents. A member of the St. James family doesn't publicly demonstrate any emotion, and that expanded to Jesse's love life as well. When alone, however, they were more than comfortable with cuddling together, kissing and making out (Hiram and Leroy lost count of how many times they walked in their daughter and her boyfriend getting hot and heavy in their home theater room). They were very tactile when dating and this was happening again now that they were just friends. They were constantly touching, one way or the other, and it served to reassure both of them of the other's presence.

He chuckled at her quiet admission, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. "You'll be awesome. Have you decided what you're going to sing tomorrow?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "_On My Own_, of course", she said matter-of-factly. It was her to-go-to audition song when one was needed, and it wouldn't change just because she was switching schools.

Jesse sighed. "Rach", he said carefully, "I don't think 'Les Mis' will cut it with Vocal Adrenaline".

She squeaked in indignation. "what do you mean, Jesse? It's a classic!"

He shrugged with an apologetic nod. "It is, you're right. But it's something they expect from you. You need something edgier, something to show them you _deserve_ the lead. They already expect you to belt out a Broadway classic – that's how they first saw you, remember?" He explained, beating her next suggestion before she even made it, "A rock ballad from the eighties is also out of question. Regionals, same year".

Rachel huffed angrily, stood up and stormed out upstairs, Jesse sighing resigned at the slamming door that echoed throughout the house. A fond smile curved his lips. His drama queen was coming back.

* * *

**F**inn was the one to gather everyone for an impromptu New Directions meeting. Even Kurt, Puck and Santana were invited for it, even though Kurt wasn't a part of ND anymore and he knew the latter two weren't going to agree with what would be discussed. They were in board with Rachel leaving for Carmel, and Finn wanted to find a way to keep her in McKinley.

They were all gathered in the huge home theater room from the Hudson-Hummel's new house. Artie was parked near the couch, Brittany on his lap and they talked quietly to each other. Puck and Santana were standing near the door, also talking quietly, apparently oblivious to everyone else. Lauren looked bored, sitting on the couch, next to Kurt who also looked bored but was busy filing his nails. Mike and Tina were sharing the earbuds of one of their iPods, Mike bouncing in time with the song they were listening, Tina giggling in amusement. Mercedes, Quinn and Sam were the only ones missing, and Finn was about to go pick his phone up to call one of them when the door slid open and Quinn sauntered in, tugging Sam by his hand, Mercedes following behind them. "So?" She asked, clearly curious as she plopped down on the empty seat next to Kurt. "What's the reason for this meeting?"

"We have to find a way for Rachel not to leave for Carmel", Finn said, matter-of-factly.

Silence ensued.

Then it all blew up.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" Puck roared, his voice joined by Santana's angry squabbling in Spanish.

"_Rachel nunca volverá a McKinley_, no!"

"Hell to the naw!" Mercedes exclaimed, fire in her eyes as she glared at Finn.

Quinn scoffed, rolling her eyes. "If ManHands wants to leave, then she can leave".

"_Callate, perra estupida_!" Santana glared at Quinn and, furious as he was, Puck still held enough of his common sense to wrap an arm around Santana's waist and force her to stay where she stood.

"**Shut up**!" Finn yelled over the roar, and everyone settled down, shock in their faces except for Puck and Santana, who were too busy glaring respectively at Finn and Quinn. "Truth is, we need Rachel for Regionals. She's our best performer and the only one who can whip something out of the blue if something happens and we need to come up with something in the nick of the time. Those Vocal Adrenaline asses already have Sunshine-"

"-who left because of ManHands", Quinn piped up; Santana all but growled at her interruption.

Finn ignored the two girls. "No matter what we do, we need a female soloist. We got lucky last time that Puck managed to convince Lauren to join-"

"More like bribed White Rhino with chocolate..." Santana muttered; Lauren rolled her eyes and cracked her knuckles, and Santana scowled at her.

"**Anyway**, we won't get to do the same thing a second time around. We **have** to keep Rachel around", Finn argued. "So. Ideas?"

Sam seemed a little confused, but then said hesitantly, "What about... What about singing for her?"

"Awesome!" Finn smiled at the blond quarterback, who seemed uncomfortable. "What song?"

Mercedes sighed and rolled her eyes. "David Guetta's _Without You_", she muttered, flinching at the look of betrayal in Quinn's eyes. "Look, Rachel digs feeling like she's necessary. If we tell her we need her to win Regionals, she'll come back running. It's like a done deal. Remember how she came back without us having to call her for our first Invitational?"

Quinn scowled and sat back, huffing.

"I'm out", Puck stated, scowling darkly. "Rachel will be happy in Vocal Adrenaline. She'll be taken good care there!"

"You can't be serious!" Finn sputtered, disbelief filling his face. "Vocal Adrenaline is a bunch of soulless Transformers, no way in hell they'll take care of Rachel!"

"They dig talent, and Rachel has talent in fucking **spades**!" The left tackle snapped, glaring at his former best friend. "Plus, Vocal Adrenaline has Jesse, and, up until funkification last year, he was doing a great job taking care of her!"

"He managed to stop the slushies", Artie said out loud, surprising everyone. As he realized he was being stared by everyone, he sighed. "I was there his first day as a McKinley student... I saw it".

_ Artie rolled his way through the halls of McKinley, books on his lap as he left his French lesson where the very attractive new teacher had kept his mind off anything to do with french, except maybe the phase _**Voulez coucher avec moi ce soir?**_ coming off her perfect lips in some fantasy he'd conocted between the half and quarter hour. Artie shook himself slightly from the daydream, his fantasies having nearly caused him to veer off course and slam into some lockers and a few freshmen. He sighed heavily and made his way to the lunch hall to meet the glee club for lunch, you know, minus all the ones that still had some social standing. His mom had decided to stop making him a lunchbox a couple months ago so now he brought lunch in the cafertia. Goodbye, poorly made ham and cheese sandwiches. Hello, mystery meat. Artie couldn't help but think that was still a step up from what his mom packed him every day since Kindergarten._

_ Just as he had turned into the hallway that led to the cafeteria, he saw some jocks emerging from the large room with a slushie in each hand. He quickly got ready to retreat lest he feel the icy sting of slushie in his lunch hour, hands on either wheel ready to high tail it out of there. But today, the two letterman jackets barely gave him a second glance as they passed him and continued down the hall. Artie furrowed his brow and sent a prayer out for those slushie's waiting victims but continued towards the double doors that beckoned to him._

_ "I wouldn't be doing that if I were you, gentlemen". A familiar voice came from down the hallway, loud and threatening._

_ Artie quickly turned around to watch what was happening. Someone denying the jocks a slushie attack? Now that was absolutely crazy and he was not going to miss this crash and burn. On swivelling his chair around, Jesse St James came into view, standing between the two lumbering football players and the timid, anxious looking Rachel Berry, their hands entwined as she hid behind her boyfriend._

_ "Yeah, and why would that be?" The first jock sneered into the boy's face. Jesse looked extremely unamused by their power display that usually had people running scared; in fact, he looked bored by their antics. Rachel's eyes kept looking from him adoringly, to the jocks in fear, to the slushies in absolute terror. Artie moved a little closer to the action wearily and listened to the curly haired boy's reply._

_ "Because this gorgeous girl right here.." Jesse moved to put his arm around Rachel's waist and pulled her to stand beside him as equals, her eyes still open in worry for herself and her boyfriend. "She's my girlfriend, and if any of you cavemen even think of throwing one of those vile drinks at her perfect face, then I'll be making a little call to my friends over at the Carmel football, hockey, wrestling and show choir teams and we'll see how well you guys can play whilst you're nursing, I don't know, fractured wrists. Or broken legs". He almost growled, Artie crossed his arms._

_ It was obvious from their faces that the two boys were scared out of their minds by the idea of facing the reigning champions of football, hockey and wrestling throughout the Ohio state schools. Artie had seen the Carmel teams, and they were scary. They made the McKinley team look like puppy dogs and lambs in comparision. The last team he mentioned welcomed barks of laughter though and Artie shook his head. So close, he thought to himself._

_ "Why would we be worried about some dancing fairies like yourself and the Berry freak?" The second jock asked, still chortling. In the next second, he was covered in slushie and gasping in shock. Artie hadn't even seen what happened, he must have blinked or something, but the fact Jesse was now holding his empty slushie cup confirmed his suspicions. He toyed with it casually and watched as the jock wiped the red gunk from his eyes and shivered uncontrollably as the slushie attack took an unlikely victim. Artie couldn't help but chuckle in victory and gave a mini fist pump in Jesse's honour. Jesse smirked._

_ "Because we might not be lumbering hulks... But we're bloody fast" He replied simply, glaring at the first jock who still had loaded slushie ammo to make sure he didn't try any funny business with his cup. Rachel had gone back to hiding behind her boyfriend's frame, her hand clutching onto his shoulder tightly. "So, it's your decision, boys", he added, ticking an eyebrow as he pulled his shiny phone from his pocket and waved it in front of them. "One phonecall", he reminded them._

_ The two jocks retreated down the hallway quickly than Artie could care to watch. He kept his eyes on Jesse and Rachel as he turned to Rachel and pulled her into a hug. She clung to him tightly and asked whether he was okay. "I'm fine, Rach, are _**you**_ okay? I thought you were joking when you told me about those slushies", he muttered, pulling back to kiss her nose softly, protectively. She smiled for the first time since Artie had turned around. "You don't have to worry about that anymore though, baby", he assured her. She just nodded with a smile on his lips. She stretched onto her tiptoes to brush their lips together for a second._

_ With that, he encased his hand around her dainty hand and pulled her into the cafeteria, passing Artie at the same time. He watched them both leave and sighed heavily in thought._

"What does it have to do with anything?" Finn questioned, impatience coloring his voice. "So he protected her **once** while in McKinley. It doesn't cancel out the fact that he screwed her over later on!"

"Dude", Artie sighed, sliding his glasses back to their rightful place. "He didn't protect her once. He managed to stop every kind of attack on her: slushies, hurtful insults, porn drawings on the bathroom stalls' walls... All that in less than 24 hours as a student in McKinley. Everything came to a halt as soon as they realized Rachel Berry was off limits".

"So what", Finn sputtered, red flooding his face, "you're not going to help us?"

There was a hint of pained regret in Artie's eyes when he looked at Finn and nodded. "That's right. I'm not. I'm sorry if that makes me a traitor in any way, but Puck and Santana are right about one thing: Vocal Adrenaline **loves** talent. It's like their crack. And Rachel? You said yourself – out of all of us, she's the best performer. She'll keep them high as a kite for a long time".

"Fine", Finn spat as he turned his back on Artie. "Those who are against bringing Rachel back for Regionals can leave".

Kurt stood up at once. "I have no idea what I'm doing here whatsoever – I'm not even a part of New Directions anymore", he muttered as he left the room. Puck, glaring at his former best friend, walked past him as he moved to help Artie leave. Santana and, of course, Brittany, trailed after them, the blonde looking a little lost as she started asking questions about what was going on to Santana, who patiently explained the situation the best she could.

Once they were all outside, the Latina smirked at the wheelchair-bound boy. "I knew you had _cojones_ in you, Wheels. Gotta say, I'm impressed", she bumped her red cotton-covered hip against Artie's shoulder. "In Rachel's name, thank you", she whispered quietly, but Artie shrugged.

"It's no big deal".

"Yes, it is", Puck insisted. "Carmel will be good for Rachel. By walking out of that trap they're setting up for her, you're helping her. Rachel's... not fine, Abrams. She needs to get away from New Directions and McKinley to get better. So yes, it's a big deal. San's right. Thank you".


	19. Eighteen

**Ellie's author's note:** Once again, none of this is me. I'm suffering from block and I'm entering exam season. I'll try and write a bit more in the next chapter, I promise, my lovebugs. Keep the reviews coming for Julie, because I love reading them from your guys.

**Julie's author's note:** The songs are _Without You_, by David Guetta featuring Usher (which, by the way, I had planned to use for this chapter _way_ before I found out Glee would use it too – which, by the way, was lame. And that's all I'm saying.), and a piano version of _Numb_ by Linkin Park that I found out on 4shared. Just type "numb piano cover" on the search box. The first result is the one I used.

**and I owe it all to you**

_Eighteen_

**M**onday morning came quicker than anyone expected. The ride back from the St. James' family cabin, early Sunday evening, was made in a companiable, comfortable silence. Rachel, still smarting his rebuke of everything Broadway for her audition for Vocal Adrenaline, was clearly pouting, looking a little like an adorable five-year-old who was used to have things go her way and threw a fit whenever they didn't; however, this didn't keep her from softly singing along to the songs they played on the way home. Once they were safely back in Lima, Rachel called both Puck and Santana to let them know they were back. The duo, in response, informed them New Directions' plan to try and snatch Rachel back to McKinley.

Jesse's and Rachel's reactions were as expected. The former VA lead called Finn Hudson every cursing name on the book, grumbling angrily as he paced back and forth. Rachel, on the other hand, huffed in displeasure and began the usual Rachel-Berry-style rant on how ungrateful her now former teammates were, and "Just how stupid do they think I am, to forget everything they have done to me, especially in the last few weeks, with just one lousy song?". Given that she had put her phone on speaker at Noah's request, her words were met with a round of cheers and catcalls, both in English and Spanish, and also a proud smirk from Jesse that made Rachel blush and smile shyly in response.

Having dropped off Rachel at her parents' home, and telling her he would be there to pick her up early the next morning, Jesse drove off, picking up his own phone and dialing Dustin Goolsby's number as he cruised through the quiet streets of Lima towards his house. "Coach Goolsby?" He asked as soon as the man picked up. "Jesse St. James here. New Directions are preparing to fight us on which show choir deserves Rachel. They're planning on breaking into our auditorium to serenade her".

Goolsby's snort came muffled from the other side of the line. "St. James, I might not know Miss Berry as well as you do, but we both know she's not the type of person to back down on her words. If she said she's leaving McKinley and transferring to Carmel, I think there's nothing her former teammates can do to sway her from this decision".

"There isn't", Jesse agreed, "but still. Tomorrow is a big day for Rachel. She wants to nail that audition".

"And she will", Goolsby said confidently. "C'mon, St. James, don't tell me you don't have confidence on your girl's abilities".

Jesse bristled. "Rachel's the best person to lead VA to that fifth consecutive National championship!"

"Then relax. She has it on the bag. Plus", and here Goolsby smirked, even though Jesse couldn't see it. "So much better that they're all there. This way she can rub on their faces what they lost thanks to their own mistakes".

Jesse laughed at this. Shortly after, the two men bade each other goodnight and ended their call.

* * *

**E**arly next morning, Hiram and Leroy smiled indulgently as their overexcited child ran down the stairs. Rachel was dressed in a casual but sophisticated manner, very different from the fifties-like style she had taken to in the last few months. Leroy whistled in appreciation while Hiram grinned, drinking in the site of their daughter in sleek, dark denim, paired up with a light gray long-sleeved blouse and black platforms. She almost looked like a grown-up, not the young high-schooler they knew her to be. Her hair had been blown dry and brushed up into a ponytail, the growing bangs clipped to the side. "You look amazing, darling", Hiram complimented her, handing her a cup of warm herbal tea with honey. Rachel blushed slightly, grinning at her father.

"Thanks, daddy", she said as she took a sip from the warm beverage, sighing in pleasure. Watching the interaction between his husband and their daughter, Leroy felt his heart light as he saw the color being back at his daughter's face, making her look healthy and fine instead of the ashen, tired-looking sixteen-year-old that had taken the place of his driven little girl. "I think I have finally decided what I want to sing for my audition", she said as she quickly checked the kitchen's wall clock – she had ten minutes before the hour Jesse had scheduled with her to come pick her up. Seeing her fathers' frown of confusion – they both knew her fondness of using _On My Own_ as her audition piece – she sighed and then explained to them what Jesse had said about surprising the Vocal Adrenaline members with a non-Broadway number.

"I can see his point", Leroy said with a nod. "Plus, you used _On My Own_ to audition for New Directions, didn't you?"

"I did", she nodded as she took another sip from her tea.

"So. I think Vocal Adrenaline is a new phase for you, baby. A new show choir, a new lead... A new song".

Rachel hummed as she considered her father's words. It made sense, definitely. She had used the same train of thought when picking up her outfit for this morning – it was a new Rachel Berry that would step onstage at the Carmel auditorium, and thus she needed a new look. "I can see your point", she said, carefully. But, before she could reply properly to her dad's words, the honk of Jesse's Rover came from outside, startling her. "It's Jesse. I have to bolt, dads!"

"See you tonight, sweetheart", Leroy said, smiling.

"And good luck on your audition!" Hiram added.

The two men watched from their doorway as Rachel ran towards Jesse's parked car, exchanging a knowing smile at the awed look on the younger man's face as he drank in Rachel's appearance. While Rachel hopped into the car, Hiram entwined his fingers with Leroy's, squeezing them with an excited smile. "I can't wait for them to get back together", he confessed, looking starry-eyed at the gorgeous teenage pair.

"I can't either", Leroy admitted, giving his husband's temple a sweet kiss. "Out of all her boyfriends, he was my favorite".

"Mine too".

* * *

**T**he Carmel auditorium was buzzing with muffled conversations as the twenty-five members of Vocal Adrenaline started to gather there in wait for their new lead to arrive and proceed to audition. Sunshine Corazon, furious at her backfired plan, was amongst them, knowing from the knowing smirks and small glances shot at her that Andrea Cohen and Giselle Torres were speaking of her. The two now seniors had been the most vocal VA members on their opposition to Sunshine being given lead, and they never missed a chance at laughing at Sunshine's expense.

The buzzing grew louder as the adjoining office – Coach Goolsby's office – door was opened, giving way to Goolsby, Jesse and, finally, the new lead. Rachel Berry was a known face to many of the Vocal Adrenaline members, the main threat for their fourth consecutive National championship last year and, secretly, object of several conversations on how it would be awesome if Jesse managed to talk her into transferring to Carmel. Those involved with her egging gasped as they recognized her, and Sunshine thought she heard Carrie mention to Anthony, "Finally! It was about time Jesse brought her home to us!", but she ignored it.

Goolsby went to his desk, with Jesse leading Rachel up the stage. They both exchanged a small smile as they stood together there, Rachel giggling when Jesse leaned in and whispered something at her. "Good morning, Vocal Adrenaline members", Goolsby greeted them, his voice clear and audible even though he hadn't turned his desk mic on. "I believe many of you remember Miss Rachel Berry? The now former lead of McKinley High's New Directions?" At the muffled sounds of agreement, Goolsby smiled. "Vocal Adrenaline, I introduce to you your new female lead".

But before anyone could say anything, a sound of voices harmonizing together came from the back of the auditorium. Slowly, eight teenagers – unknown to most of those present – began making their way towards the stage. Rachel, eyes wide, watched as Mercedes, a fake smile plastered on her face, began to sing.

_I can't win, I can't reign_

_I will never win this game – without you, without you_

_I am lost, I am vain_

_I will never be the same, without you – without you_

"Wow, deja vu", Jesse muttered to Rachel as he remembered two previous times he had seen New Directions – or some of its members – appear for a performance from the back of the auditorium. "Don't they know a different start for their choreography?" He asked the tiny brunette by his side as a tall blonde with a large mouth started the next verse.

**I won't run, I won't fly**

**I will never make this right, without you – without you**

**Uh, I can't rest, I can't fight**

**All I need is you and I – without you, without you.**

"Obviously, they don't", she replied, noticing the expected absence of both Noah and Santana – who had made clear to them, the previous night, that they wouldn't be there to see ND fail spectacularly into their attempt to bring Rachel back to their side – but frowning as she noticed Artie wasn't there either. "Weird. Artie is not here".

"Maybe because of the wheelchair?" Jesse offered helpfully, but Rachel shook her head, taking a step back into Jesse's arms as New Directions began the chorus.

_**Oh, oh, oh**_

_**You**_

_**You**_

_**You**_

_**Without**_

_**You**_

_**You**_

_**You**_

_**Without... you**_

"They **always** make sure Artie can be a part of a performance, especially because he's one of their strongest male voices. Something must have happened if he's not here... But if it was something serious Noah and Santana would have told us, right?" Rachel was whispering rapidly at him, but she fell silent as she felt Jesse stiffening next to her. A second later, she realized why. Finn had broken from the huddled New Directions and was jumping onstage, striding purposefully towards where she was with Jesse. "Oh, hell", she mumbled.

However, it was Quinn who was singing, and the words – the entire song, really – made Rachel roll her eyes and scoff quietly.

**Can't erase, so I'll take blame**

**But I can't accept that we're estranged**

**Without you – without you**

**I can't quit now, this can't be right**

**I can't take one more sleepless night**

**Without you – without you**

"Here we go", Jesse grumbled as Finn finally reached them, a dark frown marring his face and glaring so hard at Jesse that if looks could kill, Jesse would be a cold corpse at the time. However, the quarterback held his hand out for Rachel, who stared disbelievingly at him, her eyebrows so high they almost reached her hairline.

_I won't soar, I won't climb_

_If you're not here, I'm paralyzed – without you, without you_

_I can't look, I'm so blind_

_I lost my heart, I lost my mind – without you, without you_

Before New Directions could break into the second chorus, two things happened. One, Rachel began laughing – mockingly – from her place at the stage. She laughed so hard she had tears running down her face. Jesse, behind her, rubbed her arm trying to get her to calm down, but he clearly could see why she was laughing so hard, so he was chuckling every now and then. Second, Chris, assistant dance coach for Vocal Adrenaline, said in a voice so clear, it rang loudly on the Carmel auditorium.

"Hum, is it just me or this whole... thing... felt eerily like last **year**? I mean, the whole walking up to the stage from the back of the auditorium? It was impressive when Rachel was the one to pop up, all sass and confidence singing _Don't Rain On My Parade_, but it fell flat when recycled at Regionals – I mean, Journey? **Really**?** –** and it clearly didn't have the expected effect on Berry-"

"-Unless you were hoping to make her cry her eyes out laughing", Giselle cut in, smirking at Rachel, only not in a mocking manner – she was clearly using the fact that Rachel was in tears of laughter as ammunition to trash talk New Directions.

"Shut up!" Finn bellowed, the tip of his ears red with anger and embarrassment. Turning to Rachel, he said beseechingly. "C'mon, Rach. Cut the crap. Come back home and we'll put the whole thing behind and move on".

Rachel was silent for a long moment, and Sunshine started to feel a glimmer of hope. Surely Rachel wouldn't deny a direct request from the boy the Filipina clearly remembered she was so crazy about when they first met...?

"Sorry, no can do", Rachel quipped, turning towards Goolsby's desk. The Vocal Adrenaline coach was leaning back on his chair, a small smirk on his lips, his interested eyes watching both Brittany and Mike. "Coach Goolsby, may I proceed?"

"From the top, Rachel", Goolsby replied, nodding slightly at the girl. She sat by the piano and her fingers gently pressed the keys, her voice soft but defiant as she sang, the meaning clear for everyone. Jesse smirked as he recognized the song, pride in his features. **This** was definitely out of Rachel's comfort zone. She was a pop, showtune type of girl, but this song would prove to all the members of Vocal Adrenaline she had the rockstar flair they demanded of their lead.

_I'm tired of being who you want me to be_

_Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface_

_I don't know what you're expecting of me_

_Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

_And every step I take is another mistake to you_

She glared at her former teammates as her voice gained momentum for the chorus. The Vocal Adrenaline members looked impressed, whispering between themselves, Giselle and Carrie smirking at the paleness that took over Sunshine's face, the way the Filipina's jaw almost dropped to the floor as everyone recognized the old Linkin Park hit.

_I've become so numb – I can't feel you there_

_Become so tired – so much more aware_

_I'm becoming this – all I want to do_

_Is be more like me, and be less like you_

New Directions as a whole was too stunned to react. Finn seemed confused, nothing surprising considering some thought confused was his default mode. Tina was stunned that Rachel even knew what Linkin Park was. Quinn was seething with anger, her icy blue eyes shooting daggers at the singing brunette. Mercedes fidgeted a little uncomfortably, Mike and Sam looking definitely impressed next to her. Brittany was too busy filming Rachel's audition under Santana's and Puck's request to actually react.

_Can't you see that you're smothering me?_

_Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?_

_Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart,_

_Right in front of you_

_And every step that I take is another mistake to you_

_And every second I waste is more than I can take_

Rachel smiled as, one by one, the members of Vocal Adrenaline joined her in a new round of the chorus, their voices harmonizing flawlessly with hers, their combined harmony filling the huge auditorium. _Everything is bigger and brighter here_, she recalled herself saying to Jesse nearly two years ago when she came here looking for her after being given an ultimatum by her so called friends., and she knew she had spoken the truth then. Everything was bigger and brighter here – the demands were bigger, but the stars shone brighter. Staring straight at Quinn, an unmistakable challenge in her eyes, she jumped at the song's bridge.

_And I know – I may end up failing too_

_But I know – you were just like me_

_With someone disappointed in you_

_I've become so numb – I can't feel you there_

_Become so tired, so much more aware_

_I'm becoming this – all I want to do_

_Is be more like me and be less like you_

_I've become so numb_

_I've become so numb..._

Once she was done with the song, twenty-four members of Vocal Adrenaline broke in thunderous applause, cheering loudly. Dustin Goolsby, excitement written on his features, left his seat behind the director's desk in the middle of the audience and went up the stage, Jesse following after him, both smiling widely.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Berry!" The adult announced, his voice clear and sharp even in face of the ruckus his pupils were making. "The new lead of Vocal Adrenaline!"

Everyone cheered again, as Quinn, furious, stormed out of the auditorium, New Directions trailing after her, some proud, some pensive. Sunshine was the only one looking murderously on, fury at her rival's triumph burning deep into her belly.

Rachel, laughing happily, threw herself in Jesse's arms, squeezing him tightly and being tightly squeezed in return. Excited and hopeful that their string of National championships wouldn't be broken now that they had Rachel on board, the members of Vocal Adrenaline began chatting animatedly, no one paying attention to the cuddling pair onstage.

"I'm so proud of you, Rach", Jesse whispered, his face buried in the soft dark silk of her hair, the scent of her shampoo surrounding him.

Rachel was smiling against his chest, tears brimming in her eyes as she felt a sense of accomplishment filling her chest. She had done it, had performed in front of Vocal Adrenaline, facing the pressure of New Directions, and she had triumphed. She was on. She was a Vocal Adrenaline member. Their lead. Their sole star.

Looking up at Jesse's beaming face, she smiled tearfully. "Thank you".

He smiled at her, kissing her forehead tenderly. "It's my pleasure".


	20. Nineteen

**Julie's Author Note: **So... yeah. After RM finally caved and gave us all the _Hello 12, Hello 13, Hello Love_ video, basically my muse came back from her long vacation. Thankfully. Ellie's busy with college so she allowed me to have fun with – as we call this – the baby. I hope you enjoy. And please feel free to fill my inbox with gushing joy over _Hello 12, Hello 13, Hello Love_.

It's short, and I apologize for that, but I think next chapter we'll have Santana/Rachel/Brittany bonding, Rachel/Quinn moments (angst galore!), and a Hiram/Rachel/Leroy talk I've been planning on for a while now.

**and I owe it all to you**

_nineteen_

**O**nce Jesse and Coach Goolsby managed to get the 26 members of Vocal Adrenaline settled down, the leading coach for the team went back to his seat at the audience, a serious look on his face. "Okay, Vocal Adrenaline!" He called out, his voice lower but still clear as day. Immediately the VA veterans silenced, focused looks on their faces as they paid attention to their coach. "Now that we have a worthy lead, it's time we really start working for Regionals. We're three months away, people! We don't have time to waste!" He turned to Jesse. "St. James, you start warming everyone's voices for _Drive_. Torres, Cohen, Chris, you three plus Carrie show Rachel the choreography." He turned to his new star, a gentle smile on his face. "Rachel, I know first days on a new choir can be scary-"

"I'm ready for the challenge, Coach Goolsby", she interrupted, grinning. Digging into her bag, she produced a black barrette, which she used to pull her hair back into a ponytail on the top of her head as she went up to the stage. "Unfortunately I didn't think of bringing my dance clothes, so this will have to do for today", she added, waving at her fancy outfit.

"Nonsense", Giselle Torres cut in, stepping from the group. Rachel looked at her a little cautiously, recalling her part at the egging incident the year before. Giselle seemed less intimidating, more friendly now, as she turned to Carrie, an appraising eye to the tiny redhead. "I think you and Carrie are about the same size. Do you have any extra clothes you can borrow Rachel for today's rehearsal, Carrie?"

The tiny redhead stepped up, a wide smile on her face. She had green eyes, bright red hair which were cut in a chanel bob, the ends reaching her chin, and white skin. She seemed earnest and honest, and Rachel relaxed a little bit. "Hi, Rachel. I'm Carrie. Carolyn, actually, but no one calls me that, it's Carrie since always. Anyways... Hi! How about we go to the locker room and you can change into my extra clothes?"

"No need", a new female voice called out from the door, and the Vocal Adrenaline members were surprised to see a Latina in a red and white cheerleader outfit quickly approaching their stage. They looked at each other warily, not recognizing the new girl, but relaxed slightly as Rachel, having taken off her wedges, jumped off the stage and met her halfway.

"Santana?" She asked, confused. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at McKinley?"

"I should", Santana agreed, shoving Rachel's black dance backpack into her arms, "but St. James called earlier this morning and asked me and Puck to clear your locker for you. I think you'll find everything you need for your rehearsal in your bag". She looked coolly at the curious members of Rachel's new group, eyes fixating on the dark-skinned girl she remembered as being draped all over St. James when he kicked Rachel to the curb through song before last year egg incident. "You better take good care of my babe here, you hear? Otherwise I'm gonna come back and go all Lima Heights on your ass!"

"Santana!" Rachel squeaked in surprise, and turned hurriedly to her new teammates. "I'm so sorry. She's usually not this brash while in company-"

"She has a point", Goolsby interrupted. "As from today, I'm reinstating St. James' ban on funkification from last year", he said, as Rachel widened her eyes and whirled around to look, perplexed, at a apparently indifferent Jesse. "We have the **best** talents in Ohio in our group and we don't need to freak everyone else out to win. We do that based on hard work, and that alone, and if that's not enough, then we try, try again. Am I clear?"

A chorus of affirmatives followed his directives, and he picked up a tiny remote control from a drawer on her desk. "St. James, gather everyone to start warming their voices up while Rachel go change. Miss", he addressed Santana, "thanks for saving Rachel's day, but I'm afraid this is a closed rehearsal".

Santana smiled politely and nodded, looping her arm through Rachel's. "Of course, Mr. Goolsby. I'm just gonna go with Rachel to keep her company as she changes, then I'll be on my way".

Goolsby smiled back at her, immediately charmed both by the good girl facade Santana had going on and the glimmer of the real HBIC he could see inside her dark eyes. "I'm sure you will. Have a good day, Miss...?"

"Lopez", she said, grinning as Rachel quietly trudged up to the stage and beckoned Jesse over. "Santana Lopez". She looked around as Goolsby went back to quietly instructing the girl she had stinky-eyed just a few moments ago and Rachel was having her own quiet conversation with Jesse, him pointing towards somewhere, clearly giving her instructions to find the nearest locker room so she could change, and she was distracted enough to be startled when a male voice sounded from her left.

"I know you. You're one of McKinley's Cheerios. The one who danced with that pretty blonde while being lead in _Valerie_".

Santana whirled around, coming face to face with maybe one of the hottest men she had ever seen. He was tall, with brown hair and hazel eyes, and he wore sweatpants, sneakers and a white wifebeater. Having been looking around (and noticing he was wearing basically the same outfit every VA member was), she knew he was a part of Vocal Adrenaline, but she couldn't for the life of her remember seeing him before on the three times she had seen them performing (she **would** remember seeing someone so hot), so she smirks at him. "Santana Lopez", she said as she held out her hand for him to shake. "And you are...?"

"Chris. Chris Thompson".

"Well, Chris Thompson", she said, her voice involuntarily taking the sultry tone she always put up to use when she wanted to seduce a guy, "maybe I'll see you around". She turned his back on him, strutting towards the stage. "Hey, Berry! C'mon, I don't have all day!"

By the time he finally managed to get back to his senses (she's probably the hottest, sexiest, most beautiful girl he had ever seen), she was already skipping away with Berry, both chatting like old friends, Rachel's backpack slinging from Santana's shoulder. He was startled by a slap on his shoulder. Looking at his left, he came face to face with Jesse's curious face.

"Hey, man. You okay there?"

"Uh, yeah. Just... just thinking". Chris made a pause. "You know, that girl would make an awesome addition to VA. Just look at the way she moves".

Jesse snorted. "You're **so** not her type, Chris. C'mon, let's start rehearsal".

"What do you mean, I'm not her type? Dude, have you **looked** at me? I'm awesome!"

"Not listening!"

* * *

**M**eanwhile, at the massive for-Vocal-Adrenaline-members-only locker room (there were two others, for jocks and cheerleaders, on the other side of the building), Santana had settled herself on the sink counter, legs swinging as she waited for Rachel to come out of her stall. "So. Cute guy you shiny new VA lead have on your ranks".

Rachel's head popped out from inside the stall, eyes wide and confused. "What in the world are you talking about, Santana?"

The Latina rolled her eyes. "Sorry, forgot you're all about the former VA lead who can barely find in himself the strength to keep his eyes away from you. Seriously, Berry, I know you and St. James are like, soulmates or whatever the fuck tickles your fancy, but you have eyes and it won't hurt you – or him – to use them somehow". She smirked maliciously. "Plus, maybe with a little jealousy St. James will finally honor the pants he wears and make a damn move".

Rachel's cheeks were so red, Santana believed she had no blood left in her body as she went back to hide inside her stall. "Shut up, San. It's not like that with us-"

"-Yet", Santana cut in smoothly, still smirking.

"You're impossible", Rachel answered as she came out of the stall, changed into black yoga pants, the blush pink top of a tracksuit, which she wore open, with a simple white t-shirt underneath. Her hair had been pulled back in a high ponytail, and she had clipped her bangs back. "Okay, let's go".

"I'm not impossible, you're just being plain stupid. Berry, that guy is **crazy** about you. Even my abuela's blind and deaf old poodle can see that, and she's **blind**!" Santana shook her head, in disbelief. "Anyways, baaaaaaack to topic. I was talking about the cute guy I was talking to while you managed to show every chick and guy on that auditorium how you have St. James wrapped around your finger".

Rachel bit her lower lip, her right hand involuntarily coming to tug at her right sleeve. "It's... complicated. With Jesse, I mean. We have a history, and I'm not..."

"I understand", Santana interrupted, softly. She jumped off the counter and gently tugged up the same sleeve Rachel had just tugged down. The pinkish scar on her wrist made Rachel look down in shame. She had stopped resorting to her old habit for a few days now and all her wounds were slowly starting to heal. "Hey", the cheerleader said softly, putting her thumb under Rachel's chin and moving it so they looked at each other. "It's okay. You think you're not well enough to jump back on the Jesse train and you're right. You're not. But don't think this", she gently tapped the scar she had exposed, "will make him back off. It won't. He knows everything there is to know about you, and he's still waiting for you to give him the green light. Okay?"

Rachel nodded, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She thanked God she had Santana on her corner now; Jesse was awesome, yes, but, not having gone through the same issue, he couldn't relate to her the level Santana could. Staying still and with her eyes closed for some time – until the urge to curl into a ball and cry left her – Rachel finally managed to recompose herself, smiling weakly at Santana. "So... Chris?"

"That's his name? Damn, he's hot. I'd totally tap that". Santana smirked sinfully as they left the locker room, Rachel carrying her backpack. Rachel snorted.

"Yeah, and then Noah would end up back in juvie after he kicks Chris' butt".

Santana scoffed. "Please. Puckerman and I aren't exclusive, Berry. Plus, I think he's making a move on Zizes". She nodded at Rachel's surprised gasp. "I know! I mean, who wants that rhino after tasting **me**?!"

The VA lead rolled her eyes. "Your modesty astonishes me, Santana".

Santana laughed. "Whatever, bitch. Have to go. Tell that hunky Chris I'll come around later. I'll come pick you up after, you know, everything here ends. No matter the time, okay?"

"Jesse is my ride, San", Rachel tried to say, but it only made Santana smirk.

"And you insist there's nothing but friendship going on between you two? Anyways, we're going shopping. You're the new VA queen, Rach. You need to dress the part".

"Okay, okay. Geez". Rachel sighed, knowing it was best to cave in to Santana's demands than to find herself suddenly in a shopping trip she didn't want to be a part of. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to have a little makeover done, would it?


	21. Twenty

**Julie's Author Note:** Hi, everyone. I am so sorry I took so long to update. But my muse went MIA on me for every story. I had no idea whatsoever. Then, on October, after a freak fall, my laptop's HD crashed. I lost _everything_: from music to videos to files… including what little I had from the new chapter (and several other installments for _here, there, everywhere_ ~weeps~). Meanwhile, on the same day, my muse simply decided to work and gave me something for this gem.

Someone begged me not to change Rachel's style and I kept that in mind while searching online for the clothes I wanted her to have. I'll upload pictures of Rachel's new clothes on my tumblr (differentsidesofmyself . tumblr . com – no spaces).

**Disclaimer:** So not mine. The song St. Berry actually sing is _At Your Side _and belongs to the Corrs. The song Brittany overhears them singing in her flashback, while not mentioned by name, is _I Lay My Love On You_, by Westlife (I love them). I did my research on clothes on TopShop's, Victoria's Secret's and H&M's websites – while weeping that I couldn't afford them.

**and I owe it all to you**

_twenty_

**T**he pink cotton of her top was sticking to her skin as Rachel, sweaty and disgusting from the long rehearsal – her first as the new Vocal Adrenaline lead – stepped into the for-Vocal-Adrenaline-members-only locker room. Walking up to the locker that Jesse, during a five-minute break at rehearsal, had earlier shown her saying it was for her use as the lead, she quickly programmed a new code and messily shoved her gym bag inside., only taking a few seconds to pull out her towel and the small pink bag she kept her toiletries in. Stripping her soiled clothing, she turned the shower on and grinned as she stepped under the warm water, stretching her sore muscles.

The pint-sized diva couldn't, for the life of her, remember if New Directions had ever gone through such a physically demanding rehearsal, and couldn't help but think that her life was going to be like this in a matter of years, coming home sore and tired, but accomplished, from a long rehearsal – and the thought was enough to leave a small smile on her face.

Her good spirits dimmed a little as her hands, lathered up in her melon-scented liquid soap, slid over the torn skin of her thighs. She hadn't indulged in her… habit… for quite some time now (ever since Jesse found her red-handed), so her wounds were healing. But, when the foam touched them, they still stung, and a wave of shame crashed down on the brunette. Shaking her head to clear it from the bad feelings, she stepped out of the shower, dried herself off quickly and put her stylish outfit from that morning back on. However, instead of having her hair down like she had that morning, she styled it on a long braid, using her barrette to tie the end. Her bangs framed her face gently.

Slipping her purse on her shoulder, she closed her locker and left the locker room, choosing to go to the auditorium. By now, she believed it to be empty except for Jesse. He still had about a month before having to start to share his time between his work at Carmel and his classes at Ohio State, and he had told her during their time at the cabin that he would take this free time to work on some new routines for VA, in order to keep his voice in shape.

She found him where she expected to: center stage, bathed by the intense glare of the spotlights, brow furrowed as he did some steps that she recognized as part of the choreography for _Drive_. He moved almost flawlessly, the playback tune echoing in the great auditorium. During the chorus and the second verse, though, Jesse stopped and grinned.

"I know you're there watching, Berry", he called out teasingly, and the sound of her giggle made him chuckle. "Come out to play".

She laughed out loud at that and met him onstage, her heart racing at the sight of him disheveled, panting and grinning. Suddenly her mind flashed back to the first time he had been at her house, when he marveled at how she didn't hold back while singing with him. The tiny brunette blushed as she remembered what had happened that same night… their first kiss… But then she laughed as she remembered something else, and he looked puzzled at her, his eyes full of an unspoken question.

"Do you remember what you told me after we sang _Hello 12_?" She asked him, breathlessly, and Jesse smirked.

"Of course I do", he replied, understanding dawning in his clear blue eyes. He wrapped an arm around her waist, gently squeezing the soft skin he found there and affectionately kissing her temple. "And now here you are… Right where you belong", the former VA lead whispered in her ear.

She felt her heart pounding inside her chest as his scent, of sea and leaves and sweat, surrounded her, and she pressed her cheek against the slope of his shoulder to hide the blush that bloomed in her cheeks. "Here I am", she whispered, and they stood in silence as the playback for _Drive _came to its end. They stood quiet for a few moments, wrapped in each other's embrace, but Jesse broke it as he began to sing softly.

**When the daylight is gone, and you're on your own**

**And you need a friend just to be around**

**I will comfort you, I will take your hand**

**And I'll pull you through; I will understand**

**And you know that**

Rachel smiled, her eyes sparkling as she recognized the song for what it was. Like herself, Jesse was a person who spoke through his music and, just like she had done that day on the cabin when she sang him Adam Lambert to tell him she still needed time, Jesse was singing now to let her now he was still here, waiting on the wings for her. They began to sway softly together, and he twirled her so that they were face to face. Jesse's eyes were slightly teary as they locked with hers, his hands coming up to cup her cheeks lovingly.

**I'll be at your side, there's no need to worry**

**Together, we'll survive through the haste and the hurry**

**I'll be at your side when you feel like you're alone**

**And you have nowhere to turn**

**I'll be at your side**

Tears gathered in Rachel's eyes as Jesse sang the chorus. They began to waltz in time with his cappella song. Rachel's arms were wrapped around his neck, Jesse's hands resting possessively on her waist as his voice gained momentum and filled the wide, silent space.

**If life's standing still and your soul is confused**

**And you cannot find what road to choose**

**If you make mistakes, you can't let me down**

**I will still believe – I won't turn around**

**And you know that**

Jesse's eyes were also tearing up as he sang. He wanted more than anything to be a part of Rachel's life more than he already was, but he understood she needed her time to sort through her issues. Plus, he wasn't stupid – he knew his stunts from last year had been a part of what sent Rachel spiraling down on her self-abuse, and he wanted to make sure she knew he would always be there for her, in whatever capacity she allowed him to be. Twirling her a little, he held her out at arm's length and smiled at her tearful giggle, his voice softening as he wrapped up the song.

**I'll be at your side, there's no need to worry**

**Together we'll survive through the haste and the hurry**

**I'll be at your side if you feel like you're alone**

**You've got somewhere to go**

'**Cause I'm at your side**

The new VA lead was smiling softly as they ended their dance, a tender light in her eyes that made Jesse's heart swell and race at the same time. Standing on her tiptoes, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed a sweet kiss to his cheek, very close to the corner of his lips. "I know, okay? Just… give me time?" She whispered shyly.

Jesse wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed her lightly, gently. They were making progress, he could feel it. And, as long as they kept making progress, he was fine with waiting. "You have all the time in the world, Rach", he told her honestly, reveling on having her in his arms for the time being.

They stood center stage, wrapped in each other's arms, for a long while, but the sound of a known, teasing voice broke through their bubble, making them both blush profusely. "Yo, love birds!" Santana called out, smirking teasingly, "break it off! Me and miss VA superstar here have a shopping trip to go to!"

With red infusing her cheeks, Rachel reluctantly torn herself off Jesse's arms and turned to the door, where a smirking Santana and a giggling Brittany were watching them. The tiny brunette fixed her purse strap on her shoulder and gave Jesse a quick kiss on the cheek before climbing off the stage and joining the Cheerios by the door. At first, she thought Santana would tease her right away about Jesse, but as the minutes passed and she led the two silent girls (or mostly silent – Brittany was still giggling) out to the parking lot with no teasing comment from either girl, she relaxed.

Of course, that was when Santana chose to pounce.

"So… Have we interrupted anything?" The Latina asked with a smirk. Rachel blushed but rolled her eyes.

"Nothing major. He was singing to me, that's all".

"Just singing. Uh-uh. And you two being all wrapped up in each other is what?"

Rachel spluttered, her cheeks tomato red. "Dancing!" She hurried to say, and her reply made Santana growl in annoyance.

"I give up. _Usted es terco como una mula_", the cheerleader muttered angrily, making Brittany giggle.

"Mr. Schue's son looks at you like Artie looks at me", she piped up. Rachel looked unsure at her, and the tall blonde nodded. "He does! I know it for a loooong time! Since the first time he went to McKinley!"

At the shocked looks from both Santana and Rachel, Brittany rolled her eyes and explained.

_It had been Lord Tubbington's idea, of course (all of their hunting ideas were from Lord Tubbington). He had been the one to insist there were unicorns in McKinley, more specifically, the auditorium, and he had been the one to talk Brittany into sneaking in it after school hours to catch an unicorn to prove to Tiffany that Brittany was speaking the truth when she said unicorns existed._

_But, obviously, when confronted with a black-clad Brittany and asked to tag along her incursion into school, the sneaky little puss faked a cold and bowed out. His loss. Brittany was more than capable to go by herself. Plus, with no Lord Tubbington, she didn't have to share credit for her capture. So better for her._

_The blonde sneaked in past the janitor as quietly as possible and determinedly walked to the auditorium. She could hear the muffled sounds of someone singing within, not the soft, sweet sounds she expected unicorns to make when singing (it was common knowledge that unicorns _loved_ to sing, after all), but two people singing, a boy and a girl. Brittany quickly recognized them as Jesse and Rachel._

_Unlike the rest of New Directions, Brittany liked Jesse and loved to hear him sing with Rachel. Rachel always seemed happier when she sang with Finn, plus with Jesse she had stopped singing the depressing songs she used to sing when she was after Finn, what in turn made Brittany happier. Quietly slipping through the closed doors, she watched with a small smile as a grinning Rachel was serenaded by Jesse with a song Brittany remembered Tiffany listening like a crazy person a while back, but couldn't for the life of her remember the name (nothing new there)._

_They had only one light shining down on them. Rachel was sitting atop of Brad's beloved piano, her legs crossed as she watched Jesse, who was sitting by the piano playing and singing, smiling tenderly at him. They seemed to intuitively know who would sing what, and the slower, softer version seemed to fit this cozy mood they had going._

_While Rachel had a wide, happy smile on her face, Jesse's smile was more reserved, but no less genuine. His blue eyes sparkled with a soft light that Brittany had never seen in anyone's eyes when looking at Rachel, and it tugged at her romantic heart. When they reached the climax of the song, Jesse sang how like once in a lifetime, Rachel changed her world, and an obviously tearing Rachel joined him on the chorus, their voices blending in a beautiful harmony as they sang how they've laid their love on each other and how they made each other feel brand new._

_Once they were done with the song, Rachel laughed and wiped her eyes, Jesse leaving his seat to come stand between her legs, the pint-sized diva wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him tenderly before teasing him. "Who knew the great Jesse St. James knows Westlife?" She jokingly said, and he chuckled, his hand cupping her cheek gently._

"_You do, and that's enough for me", he whispered secretively, and Rachel kissed him gently again._

"_That's enough for me too", she whispered back, and they stood wrapped up in each other's arms for a long time. Feeling she was intruding into something private and secret, Brittany quietly left the auditorium, her brow furrowed as she tried to reconcile the arrogant boy the gleeks seemed to despise on principle with this tender side that only seemed to appear for Rachel, and Rachel only._

By the time Brittany was done telling her story, Rachel had tears in her eyes, Santana seeming slightly surprised. "I remember that day", the tiny brunette admitted quietly as they climbed on the Latina's car. "It was right after he transferred. So that's why you stopped being so harsh towards us… You knew what we felt was real".

Brittany nodded as she took her place on the back seat, leaning forward so she could keep talking to Santana and Rachel, who had taken the front seats. "I think everyone would have known what you had was the real deal if they had seen that", she said pensively.

Santana hummed in agreement and added, "If they weren't able to see that back then, they should now. I mean, the boy changed everything in his life to win you back. Plus, he knew you were unhappy after seeing you for – what? Half an hour? – during sectionals", she pondered.

Having a lot to think thanks to Brittany's revelation, Santana's considerations and Jesse's song, Rachel nodded and fell silent. Respecting her need for quietness, Santana turned on the car and, letting Brittany pick the radio station, started the quick trip to Lima's mall.

Once they arrived at their destination, Santana allowed Brittany – who was the avid shopper out of the two of them – to take over. Watching Rachel with a clinical eye, the tall blonde said, "I like your skirts. They stay. The dresses you were wearing earlier this year were also cute, so they stay too. But I think your wardrobe can afford a few more pairs of jeans – you have awesome legs and a great ass and you have to show them!"

"The animal sweaters are a no-no", added Santana, helpfully, as she guided the other two towards the nearest store. With a brief glance, she noticed how Rachel seemed a little dazed, a little scared, and quickly reached out for her hand, squeezing it supportively. "Relax. Breathe. It's scary, I know. But it's okay. She won't do anything you're not comfortable with", the cheerleader added, glancing quickly at the tall blonde that was still talking away, oblivious to their quiet conversation.

Rachel felt some of the dark trepidation that had crept up at her relieve some, and smiled weakly at Santana, thankful for her support. Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, the Latina called out, "Hey, B, slow down, okay, babe? Rae here is a little dizzy with all your plans, and to be honest so am I. Let's start small. You said something about jeans? I'm all for that – I need a new pair, Mariana stole mine, the bitch", she told her two friends, and Brittany chuckled.

"Welcome to the world of older college sisters wishing they were back in high school", she told Santana, who nodded in agreement. "My older sister, Tiffany, is like supermodel gorgeous and super smart. Whenever she comes home from school she takes half of my closet with her when she goes back. It's annoying. You're lucky you're an only child, Rae".

"It's not _that_ fun", the tiny diva replied as she tentatively touched a cute lilac dress on a display. "My parents are away a lot. Being alone at the house sucks sometimes. I like this", she added, tugging the dress from the display.

"That will look great on you, but you can afford a pop of richer color", Brittany suggested as she thumbed through the other displayed dresses. "Your olive complexion will look even better with jewel-like colors like deep purple, bright reds, magenta", she explained, making a small triumphant noise as she came back from her search with a royal blue version of the dress Rachel had liked. "Here you go", she gave Rachel the dress and added, "Hold on to that. Let's make you a pile before you go try things on. This way you won't need to go back and forth".

"Okay", Rachel nodded with a small smile as she looked around, picking up some dresses on the style she had taken to favor in the last few months, also a few blouses and two pairs of jeans, one black and other the traditional denim blue. Brittany added two black dresses, one with a lacy back and the other very simple, with red embroidery on the skirt. Santana, meanwhile, added some new flannel pants and cotton tank tops. Once Rachel had about 20 different pieces to try on, the two cheerleaders gently took her to the changing rooms and waited patiently as the brunette decided what to try first.

She emerged of the small stall wearing a knee-long dress with slightly puffy sleeves and a canoe neckline, printed with small pink roses. To hide her healing scars, Rachel had dressed it over one of her new long-sleeved shirts, also pairing it up with black tights, which Brittany and Santana approved. "I like this", the singer said shyly, tugging unconsciously on the sleeves of her top. "I can use it all year around".

"That's true", Brittany nodded, whistling appreciatively in a way that had Rachel blushing prettily. Santana, meanwhile, was busy taking pictures of Rachel with her iPhone, her heart soaring at the happy grin on the new VA lead's face. "Go back in, try the others!"

Rachel went back in the stall and emerged wearing her second choice: a very short blue and gray dress with pleated skirt and print of roses. This dress she paired up with a long-sleeved, dark blue jacket that ended a little above the curve of her waist. "Wow", Santana made. "Damn, Berry, you look hot! Holy hell!"

The pint-sized diva laughed and rolled her eyes at the Latina. "So, this goes too, right?"

"YES!" The two cheerleaders called out in unison, and a grinning Brittany pulled her iPod out and pressed play on a playlist. Rachel looked confused at her when Rihanna's _Pon de Replay_ started sounding from the tiny speakers, but the blonde explained, "What's a runway show without music? Go on!"

Laughing, she complied, and after a few minutes emerged in a flippy dress with cinched waist, a polka-dot print and pleated skirt. Paired up with a soft red sweater, it made Santana doubtful, but Brittany liked, so eventually the blonde persuaded her best friend to give it a go. Rachel's final dress was black, with a red band around the waist (that tied on the back), and two thick strips on the skirt, one white, one red.

"Now that we're done with the dresses, let's try the tops!" Santana hollered as she and Brittany pushed Rachel back in the stall, grinning as Rachel laughed.

The first top she tried on (paired with a pair of black jeans that fit to her legs like a second skin) was very simple, plum-colored, with long sleeves and four small buttons in a placket. The dark shade illuminated the caramel tone of Rachel's skin, making her look flush with health. Santana photographed her again, and Brittany nodded in approval, sending her back in.

About an hour later, the three girls left the stalls, arms laden with Rachel's chosen clothes. Besides the dresses, several tops and two pairs of jeans, one black and the other blue. The pint-sized diva and her two friends left the store with her arms full of bags, the two brunettes leading the way out and looking back at Santana and Brittany (who was telling a hysterical story about when Lord Tubbington stole her sister Tiffany's outfit for a date and returned it soaked with mud) when she slammed into someone.

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry-" The person started saying, but trailed off as she recognized Rachel, whose blood turned into ice as she looked up and met the gelid eyes of no one other than Quinn Fabray.


	22. Twenty-One

**Author's Note:** Hi, everyone! I'd like to apologize in advance for the Faberry scene in this chapter. It broke my heart to write it, but that scene is important for the story to develop the way I see it developing.

**and I owe it all to you**

_twenty-one_

**Q**uinn was having a nice day for a change. Since Rachel left McKinley, the mood in New Directions was healthier and solos were being distributed more fairly since there wasn't anyone else to hog them all. Sure, Puck and Santana weren't doing anything for their team, barely pulling their own weight, but the blonde Cheerio was sure with time they would forget all about ManHands and work harder.

The blonde was feeling so pleased with herself that she decided it was time to dip on the money her father had been paying her as alimony. Since the divorce, both Judy and Russell Fabray were spoiling their youngest rotten, all out of guilt for how they had treated her last year (she very firmly ignored the way her heart clenched at the thought of a little girl with wispy blonde hair and big hazel blue eyes), and Quinn had never been so packed with money as she was now.

So after school, she went to the only mall Lima had, ready for a big shopping spree, courtesy of her daddy's money. With RuPaul gone, New Directions needed a new lead, and Quinn wanted clothes that would fit her new role. She was certain she would be it: while she wasn't the best singer, she was the prettiest, and she was Schue's favorite female student.

She was distracted doing some window shopping when she ran into someone. Irritation flared at her, and she looked up, ready to tear a new one on whoever had dared to crash into her, when she recognized the apologetic voice.

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry-"

Dark satisfaction crept in her blood as she looked up and came face to face with no one other than Rachel Berry herself. The fear she saw in her eyes also fed her ego, and she smirked at her nemesis. "Well, well, well, look who it is." She looked at the brunette up and down and tsked disdainfully. "What are you doing back here? Shouldn't you be in Akron being that bastard's puppet? You **do** know he's just using you, don't you?"

Rachel didn't reply, and Quinn's smirk just grew wider. She loved when the brunette just took her verbal abuse like the good bitch she was deep down. "You know, I'm New Directions' new lead. Mr. Schue appointed me right away. I'm having all the solos now. And everyone is just so… **happy** they don't have to accept you hogging the spotlight".

The new lead for Vocal Adrenaline's eyes filled with tears, and the blonde felt a pleased shock run through her. It was so rare Treasure Trail allowed anyone to see how affected she was by having the truth rubbed on her face, that seeing it now made Quinn's triumph sweeter. "Oh, is the baby bitch going to cry?" She mocked, her icy eyes flashing with contempt. "This shouldn't surprise you, Short Stack. No one will ever miss you. Even if you die tomorrow, no one will cry your death".

"Y-you're lying", Rachel stuttered, struggling to keep her tears at bay.

Quinn smirked. "Am I? Deep down, you know I'm right. I mean, no one wants you. Finn cheated on you, St. James used and is using you, your own mommy chose someone else over you. You're not important to anyone, ManHands. Do us all a favor and just die already". With a final smirk at her clearly stunned rival, the blonde left.

Rachel just stared at her, not even feeling the tears that were running down her cheeks. Was Quinn right? Would anyone miss her if she was gone? Sure, her fathers loved her, but they were obligated by their parental duties to do so. Even New Directions, the group she had given her best for so long, had clearly quickly replaced her. With Quinn, to make matters worse.

Unaware of her surroundings, Rachel allowed her bags to fall to the floor and, blinded by her tears, she fled the mall. The pain was back, swallowing her whole, and she felt the dark urge explode into her, the need to find some relief to her pain returning with a vengeance. Not even seeing where she was going, she climbed into the nearest taxi and gave her house address. Her parents would just come back later that evening and she would have a few hours for herself.

* * *

**S**antana finally looked away from her babbling best friend, and frowned slightly as she realized Rachel was nowhere to be seen. They had left the store together, but Brittany had begged her for a sundae, and Santana, unable to resist the blonde's puppy dog eyes, gave in, leading her to the nearest Dairy Queen corner. Distracted by her friend's excitement, she looked away from Rachel for just a few seconds – but it had been time enough for her to apparently disappear.

Her dark eyes grew wide when she saw a crop of bags scattered around the mall's polished floor – the same bags she recognized as the ones Rachel had dangling in her arms when they left the store. "That's _extraño_", she said, frowning deeper as she went to pick up the fallen bags, Brittany happily trailing after her with her ice-cream on her hand. "Brit, do you see Rae anywhere?"

Now frowning as well, the tall blonde looked around, shaking her negatively. "Do you think she decided to go home?" She asked the Latina, eyes wide. "She did seem tired when we were leaving the store".

"It's possible, but I don't think she would leave without telling us she was going". Feeling apprehensive, the Latina pulled her phone out of her purse and quickly dialed the smaller brunette's telephone number. "_Mierda_", she cursed when Rachel's trademark ringtone, _Don't Rain on My Parade_, began to come from one of the bags.

Sensing her best friend's agitation, Brittany put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. "I'm sure Rae is fine, San. Those last few days were very demanding of her. Maybe she's with Little Schue. Let's go home, we can give him a call from there".

Santana shook her head negatively. "We can't. What if she's not with him? St. James is crazy for her, if he finds out she's missing he'll blow a gasket, throw a major fit".

Brittany nodded slowly, understanding. "You're right."

Feeling lost, the Latina couldn't help but shiver a little, fearing the worse. Rachel had been doing quite well the last few days, but her condition was unpredictable. What if something had happened that had triggered her fall back into the darkness? It wasn't unusual for people who suffered from depression to have downs…

Taking a deep breath, she smiled weakly at her best friend. "C'mon. We'll go home and call Rae's house. I'm sure she's freaking out not having her phone with her", she said, trying to mask her fear.

Brittany smiled. "Who doesn't?"

* * *

**T**he Berry house was dark and silent when the cab parked in front of it, and Rachel, realizing she had left her purse behind in the mall, with her shopping bags, thanked whatever deity was looking after her when she felt the shape of her credit card on her back pocket. Quickly paying the cabbie, she hopped out of the car and rushed to where her fathers kept the extra key for their front door. Sliding in her home, she safely locked it behind her and rushed to her bedroom.

It was still early, so she knew her fathers wouldn't come home any time soon. Opening her desk drawers, she threw their contents out on the floor, her heart hammering on her ribcage, blood thundering on her ears as she searched for the small blade she knew it was hidden in one of her drawers. The dark pain she had thought was gone for quite some time now was crawling back up at her, threatening to swallow her whole, and she wanted it gone, again, now.

A small part of her brain kept reminding her of all the people she would disappoint with her act: Jesse, Noah, Santana, Goolsby and, even if she didn't know, Brittany. She knew Santana would know right away she had relapsed, and the Latina would tell the boys. But it didn't matter. She needed that relief, and she needed it **now**.

A small prickling pain shot through her hand from one of her fingers and a small, victorious, triumphant smile twisted Rachel's face. Pulling her hand out of the drawer, she sighed in relief as the tiny, sharp bladder came into view. Going into her adjoining bathroom, she closed the door behind her and stepped into the showering area. Sliding the blade open, she tore her jeans down and sat down on the cool tiled floor. Grabbing the blade again from where she had left it while stripping her pants off, she found a clear patch of skin on her thigh and started cutting.

The ringing phone downstairs went unnoticed.

* * *

**S**antana was starting to panic. She had tried to call Rachel's house five times now, and it had gone unanswered each time. Brittany was starting to grow anxious too, and the Latina could feel fear radiating off the blonde. "What if…" Brittany whispered, then swallowed and tried again, "What if something… **bad**… happened to Rachel?"

"I'll call St. James", Santana said, her bitch-face on. Brittany, by her side, nodded.

"Good idea. I can call Puck".

Santana smiled at her best friend. "You're awesome, B".

With a small nod, Brittany went to the bathroom, while Santana scrolled through her contacts to find Jesse's cell number. Once she did, she pressed the call button.

It took a few rings, but eventually his voice came through the speaker. "_What's it, Santana?_" His voice was concerned. "_Is everything okay? You almost never call me_".

The Latina took a deep breath, hating the bombshell she was about to drop on him. "Rachel's gone missing", she blurted out. "I haven't seen her in about an hour now".

There was silence in Jesse's side of the line, and when he broke it, his voice held a note of caution. "_What do you mean, Rachel's missing?_"

"We went to the mall after we picked her up from Carmel. We did a little shopping, and when I got distracted with taking Brittany to buy ice cream, she vanished. The bags were scattered on the floor. I don't know where she is or with whom she is. _Ella simplemente desapareció_. She left her phone with her bags, and I've tried her home phone. No one answers there". She took a deep breath and tried to keep herself from crying. "I'm sorry, St. James".

"_There's no need to apologize_", his voice was soothing even though his mind was racing. "_You didn't think that would happen. Have you called Puckerman?_"

"Brit's on it", she said, relieved to have someone else take over. "What do you want me to do?"

"_Keep trying Rachel's home phone. Maybe she's just asleep, Vocal Adrenaline's rehearsals are grueling after all. Keep a phone line unoccupied at all times. I'll call Puckerman and we'll go to the mall, ask around for her. Don't worry, Santana, everything will be fine_".

"_Muy bien_. My phone will be free, I'll use B's phone to make the calls. You can call me anytime".

"_Okay. Later_".

By the time they hung up, Brittany was standing next to Santana, holding out her phone to her. "It's Puck", she said solemnly.

Taking a deep breath, Santana brought the gadget to her ear. "Puckerman. St. James is going to call you.

"_Fine. Are you okay, Satan?_"

Smiling a little at his clear concern, she nodded even though he couldn't see her. "Yeah. I mean, I'm not 100%, but I'll be as soon as someone tells me Rae is fine".

"_Don't worry, we'll find Berry soon_". He then hung up. Santana, taking a deep breath, sent a quick prayer to her _abuela_'s God that he was right and they would find Rachel soon, safe and sound.

* * *

**H**iram Berry arrived home sooner than he usually did. He had already wrapped things up and was working on some things he had left from the previous day, when a clearly worried call from no one other than Jesse St. James came.

"_Mr. Berry?" The teen's anxious voice came from the other side. "This is Jesse St. James. I'm sorry to disturb you, but it's important"._

"_That's fine, Jesse. I wasn't doing anything that couldn't wait a few more minutes. What's up?"_

"_Sir, if that's not too much to ask, I'd like to request that you left work earlier today. You see, Rachel was with some friends on the mall today, and she left in hurry while the other girls were busy somewhere else. She left her phone behind and we have been trying to reach her by your home phone, but no one's answering"._

_Hiram frowned in concern. "Why don't they simply go over the house?"_

"_They would, sir, but Santana's without her car and Brittany's just too distracted. She'll start the way to your house and end up in Columbus, or Akron, or anywhere else". There was a small hint of amused laughter in Jesse's voice, and Hiram chuckled, remembering his daughter's forgetful former teammate._

"_Then fine, I'll go home and call you once I'm there. Tell Santana she's free to come over to drop Rachel's phone", Hiram instructed gently._

"_Thank you, sir"._

Now, seeing the darkened, silent house, Hiram frowned. What if Rachel wasn't home? It was unusual of her to go somewhere else alone, not letting anyone know where she was, especially when she was phoneless. But when she was home there was always a light on, and music echoing loudly from inside. The house was with all their lights out and so quiet it almost felt creepy. "Nonsense", he told himself firmly. "Maybe she's asleep".

Walking in his foyer, he was relieved when he saw Rachel's shoes neatly lined up on their place by the door. She was home, thank heavens, probably asleep. Dropping his keychain on the bowl sitting on the sideboard, he left his briefcase on the couch in the living room and silently went up to Rachel's bedroom to check on her.

Opening Rachel's bedroom as quietly as he could, he popped his head in through the small crack and frowned when he didn't see Rachel on her queen-sized bed. Slightly more worried, he pushed the door fully open and stepped in the bedroom. "Rachel?" Seeing the closed bathroom door, he tried the doorknob and was relieved to see it open. "Rachel, sweetie are you the-"

The question died on his lips as soon as he stepped on the bathroom and came face to face with Rachel's startled expression. But what stunned him into a shocked silence was the scene Rachel was in. Sitting on the shower area floor, half-nude from the waist down and with a deer-in-the-headlights look in her face, his little girl had blood dripping from a gash on her thigh, and it had been open time enough to form a tiny pool.

"Rachel, what are you doing?" He gasped.


	23. Twenty-Two

**and I owe it all to you**

_twenty-two_

**T**he moment where Rachel's eyes locked with her father's felt, for the two of them, like one of those crystallized moments in movies where a single misstep, a single word wrongly said would send everything in a tailspin of irreparably broken feelings. Hiram didn't know how to react to seeing his daughter, his beautiful, headstrong, talented daughter, harming her in such a dangerous and heartbreaking way. He knew, however, with that intuition that years of experience and raising a child, that an over-the-top reaction would send Rachel in a downward spiral that no one would be able to save her from.

Carefully, he fully walked in the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Mentally telling himself to keep his emotions in check – there would be time for a breakdown later, when Leroy were home to hold him while he cried – he crouched next to his little girl, whose dark eyes, so similar to his own, were full of fear and shame, and wrapped his arms around her slim frame, tugging her into his lap.

The caution with which her father was touching her, the calm he was reacting, surprised and filled Rachel with more shame than she thought she would feel when such a situation happened. Letting go of her small blade, she looked down, feeling hot tears scald her eyes. Hiram's hands were softly rubbing her back as he hummed quietly, and Rachel struggled to keep her tears in check. She didn't feel worthy of crying in front of her father, not after the pain she was sure she had caused him just now.

But Hiram's next words did her in. "It's okay, sweetheart", he whispered, kissing her temples softly. "Everything will be okay. Daddy's here. I got you".

With a stifled whimper of pain, Rachel wept. She dissolved against her father, shedding tears over what felt years of repressed pain: the bullying she had been a victim to all of her life, Jesse's deception, Shelby's abandonment, Finn's betrayal. Wrapping her arms around Hiram's neck and clinging tightly, she cried and cried and cried, for what felt like hours, until she felt she had no more tears to cry. Eventually, when her tears subsided, she collapsed against him, her energy drained, and fell into a light, restless slumber.

Hiram knew he couldn't afford to cry just yet. There were several things to take care of. He had to call Jesse to calm the kid down and reassure him that Rachel was safely at home and as safe as expected considering her emotional state. He had to call Dr. Shane to set up an appointment with her for Rachel. Finally, he had to ready himself for the moment when he would tell Leroy everything that had been going on with Rachel for clearly quite some time. Only after all this was done he could have his moment.

He carried Rachel to her bed (and was surprised at how light his daughter was. It felt she weighed nearly next to nothing) and covered her with a light sheet. Leaving her bedroom door half open, he went back to where he had left his phone and picked it up. Sitting on the top stairs, he dialed Jesse's number and waited as it rang once, twice... "Mr. Berry?" The kid sounded worried and obviously on the verge of a panic attack, and Hiram tiredly rubbed his eyes. "Have you found Rachel?"

"Hello, Jesse. Yes, I have. She was home. You can relax now. Breathe".

Something in the older man's voice told Jesse one of Rachel's parents had been finally clued in on what was going on with her. Ignoring the concerned looks he was getting from Puck, Santana and Brittany, he worried his lower lip and then whispered, "You know".

"That my daughter has been cutting herself for God knows how long? Yes. I walked in on her while she was at it, actually", Hiram said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. _Not yet_, he told himself. _Not yet_. "I'm guessing you knew too?"

"I found out recently. Not even three weeks ago", Jesse admitted. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Mr. Berry, really I am. But it wasn't my secret to tell and I honestly thought Rachel was getting better". He ran a hand through his hair and dropped down on the nearest couch. "Clearly I was wrong".

"It's not your fault, Jesse, and I appreciate whatever help you've been giving Rachel. Yes, it would have been better if you came to me and/or Leroy about it so we could give Rachel the psychological help she clearly needs, but I can understand where you're coming from".

Jesse sighed and pondered for a moment what to do next. Rachel's father wasn't yelling at him and that was better than he had expected. Finally deciding that Rachel would need all the support she could get at this moment, he squared his shoulders. "Where is she now, Mr. Berry?"

"Asleep. After I found her, she cried on me and she was so exhausted she fell asleep."

"Okay." The former VA lead stood up and picked up his keys. Signaling to the others to come with him, he went to the door. "We're coming over".

"We're?" Hiram asked, curious.

"Santana, Puckerman, Brittany and I. We have all been worried sick with Rachel and we just want to make sure she knows she can overcome this even despite this setback". As he spoke, Jesse and the others piled in his Range Rover. "I'm about to drive, Mr. Berry, so I'll hang up now. I'll see you soon".

"The door is open, so just let yourselves in", Hiram mumbled, exhausted. "See you soon". He hung up.

Minutes later, the sound of steps filled the quiet house, and soon the four youngsters appeared on the bottom stairs. Hiram gave them a smile that was more a grimace. "Come on up", he said quietly. "She's in her bedroom."

A mumbled chorus of thank-yous filled his ears as the teenagers walked past him and down the hall to Rachel's bedroom. Standing up slowly and feeling all of a sudden ten years older than he really was, Hiram went to the study to make the calls he had to make and wait for Leroy to arrive. Rachel would be safe and well in her friends' company. He had time.

* * *

**O**nce they were all inside Rachel's bedroom, Puck quietly closed the door behind them. Curled in her bed, without makeup and with her hair all disheveled, Rachel didn't look at all like the resilient, confident, demanding spitfire powerhouse McKinley saw her as. In fact, she looked pale, tired and sad, a lost, broken little girl. Without pausing to think, Jesse toed off his shoes and climbed in bed with her, wrapping a strong arm around her petite frame; even asleep, Rachel seemed to recognize him and curled into his body, breathing deeper. Brittany climbed into the bed on Rachel's free side, a worried look on her face as she gently stroke Rachel's hair and allowed silence to fall on the bedroom.

Puck, however, noticed Santana's restlessness, and paid close attention to her. He knew her quite well, and silently counted up and then down to ten. When he was about to count up again, Santana bolted out of Rachel's bedroom, down the stairs and out of the house. Without pausing to look back at the clearly concerned duo on the bed, he followed her and reached her when she was just outside. Tugging her into his arms, he held her even as she struggled to get out of his embrace. "_Dejame_!" She yelled as she slammed her closed fists on his chest. "_Dejame en paz_!"

He made shushing noises, rubbing her back soothingly. Santana had been wounded tight with worry all day long, so it hadn't been surprising to him that she felt the need to get the hell away from everyone to let all those troubling emotions out. She wasn't someone who dealt well with showing frailty in front of other people, and she had grown to quickly care deeply for Rachel. "It's okay", he whispered softly, stroking her hair. "It's okay. Everything will work out".

After a few more seconds of struggling, the Latina finally broke and clung to him instead of pushing him away. She began to cry softly, her hands fisting the fabric of Puck's shirt as she buried her wet face on his chest. "I was so... so..." She whispered, her voice muffled by him.

"I know, San. I know. But you know there had always been a risk of Rachel falling off the wagon", he whispered quietly, rocking her back and forth.

She nodded and stayed in his arms for a little longer before stepping out of them and wiping her eyes. "There must have been a trigger to this, Puck", she said quietly, her eyes puffy and red and her face still sticky from the dried tears. "Rachel was fine and as happy as she could be before she bolted on us at the mall. There has to be a trigger for this downfall".

Puck sighed. "Look, San, Rach's an actress. Maybe she was just fooling you guys-" He told her, but she interrupted him with a shake of her head.

"No. If she were still in McKinley, I could believe that; McKinley wasn't good for her, she walked around looking like a zombie with the fakest megawatt smile there. But she was **fine** when I saw her this morning in Carmel and later when we were at the mall. She looked **happy**, genuinely happy, for the first time in a long time". Santana fell silent for a moment and then sighed. "I swear to God, sometimes I feel the urge to follow Rachel to Carmel and just leave those _estupidos hijos de puta _on New Directions to fend off for themselves".

"Well, why don't you?" Puck replied. He too had lately taken to thinking about transferring to Carmel. Everyone knew the sports program there was as good as the performing arts one, and several of the Carmel jocks had been scouted on games and gotten full-ride scholarships to the colleges of their preferences. After Rachel left, the idea had just gotten stronger, and he knew his mother would be all for it.

"Well, there's Brittany. God only knows what the gleeks will do to her if I'm not there to protect her. And there's you too."

Puck looked at her for a long moment and then shrugged. "We can take Brittany with us when we go".

Santana blinked at him. "Are you serious?"

He nodded. "The Titans suck. Even with Coach Beiste, they have a reputation of being the worst team on the league. My grades are not good, and I'm not always front and center on glee – try never – so I'm relying on my sports to get a scholarship for college". The left tackle looked back at the Berry house. "And everyone knows Carmel has one of the best teams in all state".

"I didn't know you were thinking of going to college", the cheerleader said surprised.

Puck rolled his eyes and scowled at her. "Don't go around blabbing on me".

Santana laughed. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me". She bit her lower lip and said carefully, "So... we're really doing it?"

He shrugged. "I'm game if you are".

The Latina looked at him for a long moment... and then nodded. "I'm definitely game".

"Awesome. Now can we please go back inside, Satan? I'm fucking freezing my nuts off here".

She smirked. "Oh, no. We can't have that happen, can we?" She mocked him.

"Fuck you", he shot back, grinning as they began their way back to the house.

* * *

**W**hen Leroy arrived at his house later that night, he was deeply worried. He had been on a meeting with one of his firm's clients when Hiram texted him those four words that no person in a relationship liked to hear, ever. _We have to talk_. After that text, he spent the rest of the day with half of his mind in his obligations and the other wondering what was so important that Hiram felt the need to text him.

The house was surprisingly and unusually silent for that time of the night. Despite the fact that Jesse's car was on the driveway, there was no music coming from either the living room or Rachel's bedroom. There wasn't any noise coming from his and Hiram's bedroom either, and it was even more worrying. Dropping his briefcase on the couch, he walked deeper into the house, calling out, "Hiram? I'm home! Where are you?"

"In the study!" He heard back from the back of the house and, making his way to said room, he frowned at the silence coming from upstairs. Maybe Jesse had gone somewhere else and just left his car at their house for safekeeping? No, that didn't make sense. But usually when the boy was over, he and Rachel were either listening to music or watching a movie (read: singing along), and there wasn't any music coming from her bedroom...

He found Hiram curled on the study's couch and looking out the window, arms wrapped around a pillow-block. "Hey, love", he said quietly, sitting next to his husband and putting a hand on his shoulder. "You wanted to talk? Is there anything wrong?" A sudden fear hit him, and he unconsciously tightened his grip on Hiram's shoulder. "Are you or Rachel sick?"

Hiram turned to look at him, and Leroy's alarm escalated into panic at the pain and fear in his eyes. "Hiram, what's it?" Leroy asked again, putting his other hand on Hiram's free shoulder and fighting back the urge to shake him. "Tell me!"

The concern and warmth in Leroy's voice did it for Hiram. Throwing himself into his partner's arms, he clung to him, crying. Leroy's arms instinctively found their way around his smaller frame, squeezing him comfortingly. After a long moment where the only sound breaking the silence was Hiram's sobs, Leroy heard his partner's voice, muffled by his now wet shirt. "Rachel's... Rachel's cutting".

A thick knot of icy fear formed on Leroy's stomach as Hiram's statement sunk in. Gaping at his weeping husband, Leroy pushed him a little straighter to look into his eyes. "She's **what**?" He stuttered. "Are you... Are you sure, Hiram? That's a very serious thing to say! Are you sure this isn't just your overprotective father's instincts kicking in and jumping to conclusions?"

Hiram looked outraged at Leroy. "Of course I am sure, Leroy! I'm not the overprotective parent, **you** are!" Tears flooded Hiram's dark eyes and he wiped them with a shaky hand. "I caught her in the act."

"Oh, dear Lord". Leroy pulled Hiram closer to him and rubbed his back comfortingly. "Why... Why would she do such a thing? Have you talked to her?"

Hiram shook his head negatively. "I just held her as she cried and put her to bed. She was so drained she fell asleep on me. Jesse and the kids are upstairs with her, she's probably still sleeping". Curling against his husband, he unsuccessfully wiped his eyes. "I set an appointment up with Dr. Shane for her – for us too. I think it'll help us, to know how we can help Rachel overcome this".

Leroy nodded and ran a hand down his face, feeling suddenly exhausted himself. Never, in a million years, he would have guessed **that** was what Hiram wanted to talk about. Plus, Rachel didn't even **look** the type of resorting to such drastic measures. They certainly hadn't raised her to hide her pain, and even if they had done such a bad job as parents, Rachel's natural inclination to music wouldn't let her stifle her bad emotions. Rachel was her music, and she could always find solace in that. "When's the appointment?" He asked.

"Tomorrow afternoon, at-" Hiram was interrupted by a shy knock on the closed door. A second later, surrounded by her friends who were all looking solemn and older than their years, Rachel opened the door and hovered at the doorway, looking decidedly ashamed and scared.

"Daddy, dad... Can we talk?" She whispered, and then faulted. She shot a panicked glance at Santana and Jesse, who were immediately behind her, their hands on each one of her shoulders. They nodded encouragingly and she nodded hesitantly back, taking a deep breath and facing her parents again. "About what... About what daddy saw me doing... earlier today?"

Hiram and Leroy looked at each other and, after having a silent conversation, nodded. "Sure, sweetie", Leroy said, standing up. "Come sit with us". He then looked at the other teenagers. "You guys are all welcome to stay if you want to", he said kindly, and Rachel brightened up if only a little.

"Can they, papa?" She said hopefully, and Leroy's heart clenched at the endearment. Rachel used to call him papa while growing up, but once she reached her pre-teen years she changed to the less childish 'dad' while keeping with 'daddy' for Hiram. It had been so long since she called him that way that it threw him for a loop, but it also warmed his heart. Sure, she was broken, scared, lost and confused, but underneath all those messy feelings, she was still the little girl he had wanted more than everything in his life.

"Of course, little girl". Taking her by her hand, he led her to the couch where Hiram, his eyes still wet with tears, was sitting, while Jesse, Santana, Brittany and Noah scattered around the study.


	24. Twenty-Three

**Author's note:** Nothing like a good angst story and an amazing crying session to get my mood for this story going. I'm writing it alone (Ellie and I lost touch a while back, but if you're reading this, kiddo, I miss you and I love you) and life's been difficult. I'm married and a mother and a worker and all of those take all of my time.

The story I read that got me going was _A Broken Diva_ by aussiegleek18. She's amazing and I'm a fan!

I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but it's just a filler. I promise the next one will be longer, considering it will focus on Rachel's conversation with her fathers.

**Disclaimer: **The song is 'Everybody Hurts', originally by R.E.M, even though I prefer the version by the Corrs. The version that inspired me for this chapter, however, was the Glee version, which was sung in the 'Lights Out' episode by Blake Jenner.

**And I owe it all to you**

_twenty three  
_

**W**hen Rachel woke up after crying herself to sleep in her daddy's arms, the first thing she felt even before she got back to consciousness was warmth. She felt warm all over, and it was such a wonderful feeling. She hadn't felt warm in a very long time, since Jesse had left McKinley to go back to Vocal Adrenaline all she felt was a bone deep chill that filled her whole. She buried herself deeper into that warmth, and the scent of leaves and of sea filled her nostrils, making her smile slightly, her eyes still closed, as she sighed contentedly.

Brittany and Jesse, who had curled with her on the bed when they arrived at the Berry residence, felt her shift slightly and looked down at her. Jesse, whose chest Rachel had burrowed her face into, smiled softly and brushed his lips against her forehead, and the tenderness and the cuteness of the moment almost made Brittany melt. There was a sparkle in Jesse's eye that she recognized from seeing it so often in Santana's eyes when the Latina was looking at her, and Brittany had to bite her lip very hard in order to keep herself from cooing at the cute scene in front of her. "Is she awake?" She asked quietly.

Jesse shook his head negatively. "I don't think so, no," he said as he rubbed his hands on Rachel's back. "She's exhausted. Sleeping will do her good."

"What do you think the Berry daddies are going to do?" Santana asked quietly from the plush loveseat where she and Puck had curled together.

"We can wait to find that out," Puck said, his eyes closed as he leaned his head against the soft cushioning of the armchair. "What we need to figure out is what sent Rachel back down that tailspin."

"I've been thinking about that," Jesse admitted quietly, "and there's only one person I can see hurting Rachel so deeply that she lost her way again." He brushed his lips against her hair again, but, when he looked up back at their friends, the icy, steely look in his eyes sent shivers down their spines. "Quinn."

Feeling the way Santana stiffened next to him, Puck wrapped an arm around her waist, making sure she wouldn't escape out of the house in a hurry to knock Quinn dead for hurting Rachel. "Do you think she did that?" He asked, shooting Santana a warning glance to keep her where she was. "Don't think about that. We don't have time for it now. Rachel needs us and she's more important than Q."

"Puck's right," Jesse said, while Brittany watched sadly on. "Quinn is being meaner than usual to Rachel. She was always angry towards Rach, but from what I've seen of her, she's worse now. I don't know what she said, but I know Quinn is the only one who is cruel enough to tell Rachel things so awful it sent her in a relapse."

"Quinn is a spoiled, bratty bitch," Brittany spoke up for the first time, causing everyone to blink at her, stunned at her having said something mean about anyone. "What?" She asked, confused, with a shrug. "She is! She hates Rach because Rach knows who she is and what she wants and what she has to do to get there. Quinn is just a sad nobody, someone no one really cares. Even Sam is getting tired of her being so mean all the time. He told me," she said with a nod.

"Evans is a good guy," Puck agreed, eyes darkening. "I can see why he fell for her trap, though, that pretty face hides a nasty inside. Poor dude."

Santana sympathetically patted Puck's shoulder and sighed. "Brit is right. Q is a spoiled little bitch. She wants everything and everyone to bow to her and God help those who don't. Rachel never saw her as the high school goddess Fabray thought she was, and Q hated her for that. It only got worse after Rach started crushing on His Puffiness."

"Why are you guys talking about Finn?" Rachel asked sleepily as she blinked awake from her spot on her bed between Jesse's arms.

The fact that she knew Santana was talking about her ex even though he hadn't been mentioned by name was funny, yes, but it had been such a tense day for the four teenagers gathered around the half-asleep brunette that her throaty comment was enough to send them into a burst of laughter. Santana and Brittany laughed so hard they had tears down her face, while Puck guffawed and Jesse had a huge grin on his face. He pressed his lips against her forehead gently. "You back with us?" He asked against her skin.

"Mmmm-hm," she made, smiling with her eyes closed. "I guess." Rubbing a hand against her eyes, she stiffened when her thighs brushed against each other, the movement sending sparks of tingling pain through her tattered skin. "Oh, God," she breathed desperately. "Tell me daddy didn't walk on me doing… that," she asked quietly, tears springing to her eyes.

Jesse rubbed her back reassuringly, heart aching for her. "I'm sorry, Rach," he whispered, "but yes, he did."

"Oh, dear sweet Barbra," Rachel whispered brokenly. "How can I look him in the eye again?"

"Knock that off, now." Santana said, firmly. "Rachel, accept this: you're **sick**. You're not doing this, you're not cutting, because you want to. You're depressed. It's a disease and it's awful, but it's treatable and you can get healthy again. Your dads are smart men, I'm sure they've already set everything up for you to start treatment." She crawled on the bed and pulled Rachel so that she sat up, her tearing eyes locked with the cheerleader's dark ones, who affectionately cupped Rachel's cheeks with her hands. "You'll be fine, okay, sweetie? I promise. Just go to the doctor and have yourself sorted out. All this pain will stop as soon as you accept help."

Rachel's eyes flooded with tears as Santana's words sank in.

She was always so desperately independent, since she was a little girl – consequence, she knew, of being the only child of two workaholic fathers who, despite loving their daughter, also wanted to be at the top of their respective careers. Long before she was ostracized by her peers because of her ambition and her drive and her dreams, Rachel was already a loner, preferring to play alone or, at most, with Noah, who she knew basically since they were both in diapers.

For someone who grew up not relying on anyone else, asking for help was the ultimate humiliation, and that sense of mistrust in everyone only grew after the disasters that were her relationship with Jesse and her crush on Finn. If she couldn't trust anyone with her heart, how could she be sure anyone would want to help her?

But now there they were, Brittany, Noah, Jesse and Santana, surrounding her, offering her help and support. With an unstoppable torrent of tears raining down her cheeks, the new Vocal Adrenaline lead nodded slightly, cuddling against the warm, protective chest of her former boyfriend.

Jesse watched the exhausted, surrendering face of the woman he loved more than anything and began to sing quietly.

**When your day is long, and the night**

**The night is yours alone**

**When you're sure you've had enough of this life…**

**Well, hang on**

**Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries**

**And everybody hurts – sometimes.**

**Sometimes everything is wrong**

**Now it's time to sing along.**

Santana, picking up where he trailed off, took Rachel's hands in hers and squeezed tightly. By this time, Puck had also climbed on bed, and the five teens were basically squeezed tight together on Rachel's queen-sized bed, meaning they all heard when Jesse had started singing. Puck and Brittany had taken to vocalizing quietly, harmonizing and providing backup.

_When your day is night alone – hold on._

_If you feel like letting go – hold on_

_If you think you've had too much of this life to hang on_

'_Cause everybody hurts_

_Take comfort in your friends_

_Everybody hurts_

Puck managed to squeeze himself between Santana and Brittany, and he too put a hand on Rachel, landing on her knee, where his calloused fingers caressed her soft skin with a tenderness only she could bring out of him. His eyes were focused on her, with an affection that warmed Rachel's heart as she felt, for the first time, that maybe she didn't need to keep her problems to herself as much as she felt she did.

**Don't throw your hand, oh, no.**

**Don't throw your hand**

**If you feel like you're alone**

**No**

**No**

**No, you're not alone**

**If you're on your own in this life**

**The days and nights are long**

**When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on**

Brittany offered Rachel a small smile and cuddled against Puck, her hand coming to rest over his on Rachel's knee. Her eyes sparkled when Rachel answered to her smile with a tiny, hesitant smile of her own, and she added her own, unique voice to the impromptu serenade Rachel was being given by the others.

_Well, everybody hurts sometimes_

_Everybody cries_

_And everybody hurts, sometimes_

_But everybody hurts, sometimes._

_So hold on…_

…_Hold on._

Silently wiping her drenched cheeks, Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep, fortifying breath. It would be difficult, she knew, to open up to her fathers about the issues that had led her to self-harm. For so long she had kept everything to herself, her fathers being none the wiser to the bullying she was a daily victim to in McKinley, that the idea of telling them everything left her feeling exhausted before she even began it.

"Will you…" She trailed off, breathed in deeply again and open her eyes to look at the others. "Will you be there with me when I tell them?"

"Hell yeah," Puck and Santana chorused, while Brittany nodded enthusiastically and Jesse simply squeezed her in his arms.

"Okay," she breathed, rolling over Jesse in order to leave the bed. "God, I must be looking horrible."

"You look beautiful," Jesse whispered and Rachel smiled at him before making her way to the adjoining bathroom.

"Dude, you're so whipped," Puck teased, and Jesse glared at him.

"Shut up," the VA's assistant coach grumbled, Brittany and Santana giggling at the two of them. Rachel came out of the bathroom only a few minutes later, eyes slightly pink, but face washed clean of the remains of her tears.

"Shall we?" She asked quietly, and, as a unit, the other four teens followed her as she went downstairs.


	25. Twenty-Four (Author's Note)

**Author's Note.**

**T**his is not a chapter, and I'm sorry for this. I know it's awful to receive an update alert only to find out it's not a new chapter but an author's note. But I think the readers that have been accompanying me faithfully for the last three years deserve an explanation regarding my disappearance.

As several of you might now, I'm married for nearly two years now. My husband and I have been together since December 2010 and got engaged in May 2011. For almost a year, we did the long distance thing because I was in college and I couldn't transfer to where he lived with a semester of school left. Then I found out in November 2011 that I was pregnant with our first child, and, since I was already done with school, I packed up my things and my dog and moved in with him. From the day I moved in, we declared ourselves married even though our wedding didn't happen until 2012 – we eloped when I was early in my third trimester with the boys.

The last two years haven't been easy for us. We lost our first baby when I was three months into my pregnancy and that's a pain I don't wish on anyone. Then months later I found out I was pregnant again and paranoia kicked in. We both were so terrified we would go through a miscarriage again that we couldn't relax and enjoy the pregnancy until I was very, very pregnant. Our boys were born a little early, about a month earlier than expected, but healthy, and for a while things were great.

The last year has been spent trying to balance being a wife and a mother and achieving my personal dreams and goals. For those of you who have more than two kids, you have my respect and deep admiration. It's so hard! I want to be a successful professional and to have a happy marriage and raise my kids right, and I always thought it depended on having a partner who you can rely on. It does depend on that, but it's not the only thing. There are plenty of other factors to count in.

Late last year Ryan and I decided to move from our hectic and adored city of São Paulo to the slightly less hectic city of Vitória where my mom lives. It would be better for us, and for the kids. Vitória has a less frantic pace of life and it's a city situated on an island, so it'll be good for us. We decided to take our time and proceed slowly with the move. We were both born in São Paulo (Ryan was raised here too, I wasn't), and so were our children. It's a city we love. But it has grown too violent, too dangerous. So, we firmed on the moving decision, leaving, however, it open in case we changed our minds.

The stress of moving has put a strain on our marriage. For the last four months, we have been fighting, a lot, over the silliest things. Despite being a person with an ongoing battle against depression, I'm not someone who breaks down easily. I love feeling relaxed and happy. I began to dread coming home to my husband and my children, because I was scared I would be greeted with anger and fights, day in, day out. So, separation became a topic we discussed. Not at length, but it was something we discussed having in mind that our beautiful boys don't deserve growing up in a house with parents who fought viciously.

But then... One of us would see the other with the kids. Or the dogs. Or the kids **and** the dogs. And seeing that reminded us of everything that had attracted us to each other. And we realized that, deep down, there's still love between us. It's just that we were so tired, so exhausted really, and so stressed trying to balance leading a normal life and prepping for our move that we lost sight of it for some time. So, our marriage, instead of heading to divorce, is on the mend, thankfully. We have decided to talk more and lean on each other more.

You all might be wondering why I'm telling all that, and I'm sorry you have to sit down through it all. But the point is, with my life going downright insane, my muse vacated the premises. I often sat down in front of my computer and... Nothing. Zilch. Nada. When it got to the point where I sent Rachel in a downward spiral in _And I Owe It All To You_ (when I was planning on having her tell everything to her daddies and officially start therapy), I knew it would be fruitless to try and write anything.

So, here you have it. My explanation why I haven't updated. It's not that I don't want to update. It's that I haven't had the time and, more importantly, the inspiration for it, and I'm sorry. I know there are a lot of you who have been on pins and needles waiting for the latest chapter of _Woman in the Rain_, of _Fatherhood_, of _To Be a Father_ and of _And I Owe It All To You_. I promise as soon as I have some time off and I feel any spark of inspiration, I'll write something down even if it's a page long.

Again, I'm sorry for the superlong author's note. Thank you in advance for your comprehension.


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